Assumptions are very powerful.
They can help you cut through the clutter especially when quick decisions are needed. They allow you arrive at a resolution when there is insufficient or uncertain information about something. Assumptions can help save energy and reduce stress.
But they can also be very dangerous.
With assumptions, we draw on past experiences and information to help us identify patterns in how our world works. But past experiences usually isn't enough guarantee of how the present will pan out. If care is not taken, assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships.
I was reminded of the reality of this with an experience I had recently. As I've done over the past several years while facilitating my emotional intelligence course for project managers, I posed a question to the latest cohort of the class last week. I asked what would make them reject an offer of help from someone even when they really needed the help.
Their responses didn't disappoint.
One person chalked it up to pride. Another said they want to figure it out themselves. Yet another felt the potential helper may have an ulterior motive for offering to help. Some thought the person may hold the help over their head for some time. A few also thought they would be under obligation to return the favor.
Even though it wasn't part of the class discussion, my mind turned towards the assumptions we often make about others' observed behaviors. It's amazing that we often slap assumptions of intent onto what we see others do. We don't really know the reasons for the behavior we've just observed, but that doesn't stop our minds from conjuring up rationales and motivations for their behavior.
Some may actually argue that because they know the people so well, they're 100% sure of the reasons for their behaviors. Still, I submit that you don't really know the real reasons until you confirm from them. No one truly knows what motivates a person to do something at a particular time apart from the person themselves.
Seeing that same behavior from the person in the past and knowing what motivated them at that time doesn't imply that you truly know what motivating them now. Until they confirm their intentions and motivations for the present behavior, your guess could be as good as another's. You truly do not know until you ask them.
And therein lies the big problem about this - we don't ask. Asking would clear up any misunderstandings but we don't do it for a myriad of reasons.
Sometimes, it's because we lack the courage to ask. Other times, the immediate assumptions we have are so strong that we don't even think of asking. Then there are times when we think it's none of our business to ask, but that doesn't stop us from jumping to conclusions anyway.
So, why not ask?
Before you strain and destroy relationships (personal or professional) by jumping to the wrong conclusions about someone's behavior, ask.
Before you assume the worst of someone's intentions and shut off communications with them, ask.
Before you allow trust to be eroded due to what could be a very simple misunderstanding, ask.
Before you block and diminish your own capacity to connect with and understand others, ask.
Before you wreck your mood by assuming that someone has it in for you, ask.
The painful truth is that you don't really know the reasons for someone's behavior if they haven't told you, no matter how much you think you know. So, don't assume that you know.
Summon the courage to ask.