On the Other Side of You

I was around 12 years old when I first recorded myself on cassette tapes while reading a few of my class notes for later playback. You’re probably wondering what possessed me to do that.

It was due to a simple calculation that my naïve, preteen mind thought made good sense.

Since one could easily recall the lyrics of, and sing along to a favorite music after listening to it several times, I thought that should be applicable to anything. So, I recorded myself reading the school notes I had taken in a few of the classes that I didn’t particularly like (such as History and Government). I was hoping that listening to the playback over and over would help me recall them easily. It worked with music, so it should work with the dry, joyless reading of high school world history class notes, right?

As you may have imagined, it didn’t work out as planned.

First of all, I found out that my recordings were not as pleasant to the ears as enjoyable music. Listening to the recordings lulled me to sleep instead. So, there was no motivation to continue listening to them after that first time. There was also a second discovery that I hadn’t counted on.

I didn’t like the sound of my own voice.

It just did not sound like me. Even as an adult, this aversion to hearing my own recorded voice continued for a while. Eventually, I got used to it after being recorded many times over the years as I spoke at conferences and webinars. I became so familiar with it that I decided to handle the main narration for the audio version of Nothing Higher myself.

I have since learned that most people are like this. Many of just don’t like the sound of our own recorded voices. We don’t seem to like how our voices come across.

What I found most interesting about this is that other people would tell you that your recorded voice sounds exactly the same way you come across in real life. I have found myself vehemently denying this in the past, despite the overwhelming evidence!

As it is with our voice, so it is with our behaviors. I’ve seen people recoil in horror when shown a video of them which may have been taken without their awareness. Some are surprised at their posture or how they walk. Others seem surprised that their resting face is a frowny one. Then, there are those who are surprised at their own behaviors.

Imagine what it would look like if you can see a video of yourself as you go about your usual daily activities at the same moment you’re going through those actions. Do you think you’d like what you see?

Now consider the fact that this is what others see of you as you interact with them. So, I ask: What is it like to be on the other side of you? Do you know?

Have you considered what it is like to be on the other side of you at work and at home? I’m not asking about what you want people to think or the impressions you’ve tried to create about yourself. I’m asking about how people experience you in real time.

Many of us think we can easily answer this question correctly but the reality is completely different. We all think we are self-aware and we tend to think others aren’t. There seems to be a great mismatch between what many of us believe it’s like to be on the other side of us and what it’s actually like.

What can we do to close this gap?

Ryan Leak, in his book, Leveling Up, recommends asking yourself, reflecting on, and answering variations of this question. Here are a few from his list:

What is it like to be on the other side of my Facebook comments?

What is it like to be on the other side of my parenting?

What is it like to be on the other side of my marriage?

What is it like to be on the other side of my emails?

What is it like to be on a team with me?

What is it like to be related to me?

What is it like to be my neighbor?

What is it like to work with me?

What is it like to live with me?

What is it like to be my friend?

As you can imagine, this is not an exhaustive list, so you can add a few more that are applicable to you. If you’re up to it, you can even ask the people that each of these question points to.

As you reflect on and answer these questions, here’s a warning: Don’t fall into the trap that being on the other side of you is as awesome as you think.

Err on the side of caution and allow room for improvement. I have a sneaky suspicion that no one is as good as we think we are. No matter how awesome you may think you are, there’s always room for improvement.

Always.

A Fool’s Errand

In Nothing Higher, I shared an experience I had several years ago about receiving one very negative feedback. This came from just one person out of a class of 14 people after delivering a one day public seminar on emotional intelligence. He gave the entire 1-day session a one-star rating, and wrote, "An engineer has no business teaching a class on emotional intelligence," in the comments section.

Despite the fact that every other person in that class gave me a five-star rating and wrote glowing comments, I fixated on that one bad review for a while. That is until I reminded myself that it’s usually impossible to please everyone.

Something similar happened in 2021 when Nothing Higher was about to be released. The real-life examples that I used to drive home the points in the "Epilogue" rubbed someone the wrong way. Even though I explicitly stated that I was not motivated by political leanings one way or another, someone saw it exactly that way. As a result, the person decided not to write a review despite the fact that they loved everything else about the book.

To their credit, this person ordered about half a dozen copies of the book for their family members when it was released. That experience once again reminded me of the fact that I could not please everyone. That point was driven home again almost four months ago.

Early in December 2023, I shared in this forum information about my upcoming mission trip to Zambia. In that newsletter, I also asked for your contributions towards the cost of the trip, and I explained why I was asking. During the week following that request, three people unsubscribed from my newsletter.

While this number isn’t significant given that there are a few hundred subscribers, the timing of their departure pointed to the reasons for their departure. Usually, we get one unsubscribe within a period of two to three months. And this is okay because you don’t need to remain if you’re no longer getting value from writings.

In fact, this is something I’ve always encouraged. Many of you who have been receiving this newsletter for some time would remember a time when I was doing an annual purging by removing those who have not bothered to open one of the weekly emails during the preceding year.

It seemed asking for your support and contributions towards what I believe is a good cause rubbed a few people the wrong way. It didn’t matter that I had shared in that edition of the newsletter how difficult it is for me to do something like that.

But the way, for those who cared to know, I’m close to reaching that fund-raising goal for the mission trip. I’m also confident that we will get there before the May deadline. Once again, I’m thankful to all of you who made this happen with your giving. I’m also grateful to those who could not contribute, but are praying and sending good thoughts towards the team as we prepare to go.

But, I digress.

Here’s the point I was making: trying to please every single person you come across is a fool’s errand.

I learned this many years ago. And I’m reminded of it time and again when events that drive them home occur. But I don’t take it personal anymore. It no longer affects me the way it used to many years ago. It’s not about me.

Whatever you do, and however pure your motives may be in doing it, it will most likely rub someone the wrong way. And you need to understand that it’s not about you. It has to do with the total sum of the life experiences of that person, and how these have shaped their beliefs, biases, and prejudices.

As long as you’re acting with good intentions, ensuring that what you’re saying and doing are above board, and being certain that you’re not motivated by malice, greed, jealousy, or any other negative thing, you can sleep easy even when one or two people disagree with you.

Of course, if the negative feedback is from many, you’d want to rethink whatever it is you’re doing. But if the overwhelming response is positive, you can chalk up the few dissenters to how their life experiences had shaped their worldview.

That’s not your problem to handle. It’s theirs to ponder.

Just Ask

Assumptions are very powerful.

They can help you cut through the clutter especially when quick decisions are needed. They allow you arrive at a resolution when there is insufficient or uncertain information about something. Assumptions can help save energy and reduce stress.

But they can also be very dangerous.

With assumptions, we draw on past experiences and information to help us identify patterns in how our world works. But past experiences usually isn't enough guarantee of how the present will pan out. If care is not taken, assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and strained relationships.

I was reminded of the reality of this with an experience I had recently. As I've done over the past several years while facilitating my emotional intelligence course for project managers, I posed a question to the latest cohort of the class last week. I asked what would make them reject an offer of help from someone even when they really needed the help.

Their responses didn't disappoint.

One person chalked it up to pride. Another said they want to figure it out themselves. Yet another felt the potential helper may have an ulterior motive for offering to help. Some thought the person may hold the help over their head for some time. A few also thought they would be under obligation to return the favor.

Even though it wasn't part of the class discussion, my mind turned towards the assumptions we often make about others' observed behaviors. It's amazing that we often slap assumptions of intent onto what we see others do. We don't really know the reasons for the behavior we've just observed, but that doesn't stop our minds from conjuring up rationales and motivations for their behavior.

Some may actually argue that because they know the people so well, they're 100% sure of the reasons for their behaviors. Still, I submit that you don't really know the real reasons until you confirm from them. No one truly knows what motivates a person to do something at a particular time apart from the person themselves.

Seeing that same behavior from the person in the past and knowing what motivated them at that time doesn't imply that you truly know what motivating them now. Until they confirm their intentions and motivations for the present behavior, your guess could be as good as another's. You truly do not know until you ask them.

And therein lies the big problem about this - we don't ask. Asking would clear up any misunderstandings but we don't do it for a myriad of reasons.

Sometimes, it's because we lack the courage to ask. Other times, the immediate assumptions we have are so strong that we don't even think of asking. Then there are times when we think it's none of our business to ask, but that doesn't stop us from jumping to conclusions anyway.

So, why not ask?

Before you strain and destroy relationships (personal or professional) by jumping to the wrong conclusions about someone's behavior, ask.

Before you assume the worst of someone's intentions and shut off communications with them, ask.

Before you allow trust to be eroded due to what could be a very simple misunderstanding, ask.

Before you block and diminish your own capacity to connect with and understand others, ask.

Before you wreck your mood by assuming that someone has it in for you, ask.

The painful truth is that you don't really know the reasons for someone's behavior if they haven't told you, no matter how much you think you know. So, don't assume that you know.

Summon the courage to ask.

No Marbles Lost

As someone who loves precision as much as possible, I’m always intrigued by the level of ambiguity inherent in human communications. It’s even worse now in our world of increasing use of acronyms, jargons, and emojis. What you say or write may not mean what you think it means to the recipient.

While traveling to Italy on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, my daughter wrote a simple message in the family group chat after she boarded her flight to Europe. As a family, this is something each of us typically do while traveling to let all the other family members know the progress of our journey.

Her message simply said, “I’ve boarded. Luckily no one is in the middle.”

It took a while before I saw the message. When I did, I responded with, “Are you in the middle?” By that time, her flight had already departed and she didn’t see my question for several hours until she landed in Europe.

The next day, during our weekly video family meeting, one of her brothers took me to task by asking why I asked if she was in the middle seat when she already said no one was there. Then, they both started laughing at the ridiculousness of my response.

Clearly, their dad had lost his mind!

You’re probably thinking the same thing. Or maybe not.

Before you align yourself with my kids that I’ve lost my marbles, allow me to explain my thinking process, which I later explained to them.

When I read “Luckily no one is in the middle,” my mind did not go to a middle seat since she didn’t include “seat” in her message. As someone with a boatload of international travel experience, who is also very picky about where I seat on such long-haul flights, my mind went somewhere else.

With "middle," I immediately thought of the middle section of the row of seats bounded by the two aisles in a typical jumbo jet used on trans-Atlantic flights. From speaking to her prior to boarding, I knew she was flying in a Boeing-747, a jet with a typical 3-4-3 seat arrangement - a cross section of three seats, an aisle, four seats, another aisle, and three seats.

So, when I saw "middle," I thought she was referring to that middle section of four seats. This is why I asked, "Are you in the middle?" My thought was that if she was in one of those, she could easily lift up the armrests between the four seats and turn them into a bed during her long overnight flight.

That’s where my mind went to because that’s what I typically do on those flights when there are empty seats. In fact, I actively monitor and change my seats on such flights several times on the days leading up to the flight departure. My goal is always to pick seats close enough to a row of empty middle section seats, so I can commandeer and turn them into my bed once the airplane door is closed.

Despite this explanation, my son, who brought this up, insisted I shouldn’t have responded the way I did. He just wanted a good laugh. And they both did!

This hilarious experience reminded me of two important things when we communicate:

1. Being very clear in your messaging so there’s no ambiguity.

2. Even when you think your message is very clear, how it’s interpreted by the recipient may be completely different.

You have no idea in what state the recipient’s state of mind will be when they receive your message. Their state of mind in that moment could steer the meaning of your message into territories you never imagined - territories you may have never imagined.

For this reasons, I try to clear my head of any assumptions I may have about a topic when communicating with others who may not hold similar assumptions. That way, the likelihood of miscommunication is reduced.

Still, it doesn’t completely eliminate it. But I can do my best to remove every possible ambiguity I can think of from the messages I communicate.

So can you.

Who Makes You Better?

If you ask anyone if they want better - be better, do better, or achieve more compared to where they are presently - most people would answer in the affirmative. Wouldn’t you?

I don’t think anyone would eagerly decide that they want to live their life in the backroads of low achievement. No sane person would make such a decision consciously. That’s one of the main reasons many of us work very hard in life.

On arrival on earth, we spend our first few years of life acclimatizing to this planet with the help of our parents or guardians. Then, almost all of us spend the next 12 to 14 years in various stages of schooling. Some of us take that further as we attend college to earn degrees.

What’s more? After we start working, we continue our education and development through all kinds of learning and development activities such as trainings, conferences, and obtaining certifications. We do all these so that we can ensure and guarantee that we have better footings for success in life.

We take all these conscious steps to be better and to achieve more. However, some of our unconscious behaviors tend to take us down paths that are completely opposed to this.

One of those behaviors is turning a blind ear to people who can make us better, which is why I’m asking you the question:

Who makes you better?

I have discovered that one of the greatest treasures in life is having someone who makes you better. They speak the truth in love even when it hurts. They tell you when you’re wrong and humbly helps you get it right. But the typical human ego in us doesn’t want this. It doesn’t like it.

Most of us prefer to hang around only the kinds of people who validate us. While that is good and should be encouraged, you also need a few people in your life who will challenge you with the truth even when it’s uncomfortable.

Your ego may be may bruised in the moment when they point out your blind spots. But knowing what others see and you don’t, makes you better in the long run. This is especially true when you know that they love you and want the best for you.

So, I ask again: Who makes you better? Are you running away from them or towards them?

Other times, we discount the importance of bad experiences. We distance ourselves from the person who can make us better because they may not be manifesting the type of results we’re looking for.

Maybe they’ve made awful and damaging choices in the past and they’re still reeling from the effects. As a result, you don’t think their advice or guidance is valuable to you. That would be a great mistake.

Don’t let their current state in life prevent you from gleaning wisdom from the harsh lessons they have learned. Their past losses could be your future gain if you choose to stay close; if you allow them to make you better.

Once again, I ask: Who makes you better? How are you eagerly and actively learning from their failures so you don’t repeat the same mistakes they made?

Time to Let Go

Apart from the extremely cold temperatures, one sign of winter here in North America is the huge number of leafless trees you see. Yes, there are some evergreens but the majority of trees begin to lose their leaves in the Fall. By the time the frigid temperatures of winter arrive, all of the leaves are gone.

But I know of one tree that’s defying this pattern.

Over the last few years, I’ve started noticing something different about the lone tree in my front yard. It’s holding on to its leaves longer. Yes, the leaves are withered and completely dried up. But they continue to hang on for dear life - even though they are completely lifeless.

The picture you see here shows the tree as it looks at the time this newsletter is going out. We’re smack dab in the middle of February, and it’s still holding on to its leaves.

We’ve already gone through a period of extremely cold negative temperatures - and that’s in degrees Fahrenheit, not Celsius! That means it was insanely cold. Yet the leaves are still hanging on.

I planted the tree more than 10 years ago, so I know it wasn’t always like this.

When it was young, it behaved like the other trees. Its leaves would change color in the Fall and they all fall off before winter officially sets in. But as it gets older, it’s been holding on to those leaves for longer periods. Last year, the leaves didn’t fall off until early Spring when new leaves started to bud.

The tree kept holding on to something that’s dead; to something that’s completely useless. And I’ve noticed something similar with us humans.

Some of us sometimes hold on too long to something that’s dead: something we should have given up on.

Broken electronics. Clothes that don’t fit. Useless gifts we feel obligated to keep. Antiquated ideas. Fruitless vocations.

As bad as these are, there are others things more dangerous to our existence that we hold on to.

Negative thoughts. Irrational beliefs. Grudges. Anger. Unforgiveness. These can do a serious number on the human psyche and the results aren’t pretty.

Persistent negative thoughts result in negative emotions, leading to anxiety and depression. Some irrational beliefs can lower your self confidence and erode self-esteem. Such erosions reduces self worth and kill the motivation to pursue and accomplish goals.

Holding on to grudges and anger for too long will eventually result in physical ailments such as high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. Chronic stress could be the result of harboring unforgiveness.

None of these are worth the trouble.

Check out the list again: Negative thoughts. Irrational beliefs. Grudges. Anger. Unforgiveness, just to name a few. Which of these are you holding on to for too long?

I think it’s time to let them go.

Waiting for Results

A couple of weeks ago, my thoughts turned toward the small garden that I have at the back of our home. Although it was still bitterly cold at the time (it’s still not warm enough yet), Spring is just around the corner and I was thinking about what I will be planting this year.

Over the years, I usually plant tomatoes along with a few vegetables - sweet and spicy peppers mostly. But I didn’t plant anything last year. I left the soil fallow so that it could recover from years of annual planting. I did that because of what happened two years ago during that planting season.

I typically grow two tomato plants each year. Because tomatoes are acidic, I rotate the specific spots in which they’re planted in the garden. Despite doing this two years ago, one of the tomato plants produced only a handful of fruit. It didn’t germinate well despite being given the same care and attention as the other one. I tried all I knew to do but nothing worked.

That was a frustrating experience for me. I felt like I could have done something different to help that plant flourish. But the fact was that it actually received extra care than the other one - which had produced a lot of fruit. Yet, it didn’t produce to the level of my expectations.

As I pondered this a few weeks ago, my thought soon wandered to how this seems to parallel our expectations in life.

I couldn’t help but be amazed  at how much we humans are full of ourselves in many areas of life. We pride ourselves as achievers. We think we get things done. We believe our successes in life are the results of our diligence and dedication. We make things happen.

But do we?

My conclusion is that we really do not make anything happen. I’m sure you’re now wondering if I’ve gone crazy! And that may well be true. But please hear me out for a moment.

Here’s what I know. We have learned from experience the combination of things to do to get what we want out of life. But we don’t really MAKE anything happen, do we?

I don’t MAKE the plants in my garden grow. I CAN’T make them grow. I have no such power. Neither does any farmer. What I have learned is that I give my plants the greatest chance of growing and producing fruits when I take good care of them by watering and clearing the weeds that want to choke them.

And there are times when even that’s not enough - just like my stunted tomato plant from two years ago. All I can do after doing all I know to do is wait and let the laws of nature take over. I can’t make them grow faster. And I can’t make them produce good fruits in abundance.

For many of us, that’s all we need to do after doing all that we know to do. Simply wait.

If you’re dealing with losses in your life right now, do all you know to do; then simply wait.

If that promotion you’re expecting is taking longer to manifest despite all you’ve done; wait.

If you’re overwhelmed by all that’s happening around you, making you feel you don’t have control; just wait. You were really never in control to begin with. If you were truly in control, you would make things happen by fiat. Being overwhelmed would then be out of the question.

I want to be clear that this is not an excuse to be lazy and become complacent with mediocrity. You cannot reap good fruits if you’re lazy about taking care of the plant. That will result in a guaranteed crop failure.

But when you’ve done all you know to do, and you’re constantly challenging yourself to grow, learn trying new and better approaches to doing a better job than before, all you can do is to wait. As you wait, don’t allow the negativity of the situation weigh you down.

What I’m offering here is counsel against worry and anxiety about something that’s out of your control. Rest in the fact that you have done all you know and need to do. See the period as a waiting season - when your plant is growing and getting ready to produce fruit.

Know that the harvest is coming. Be expectant of a great harvest. Be optimistic and don’t let the prolonged season of germination flood your mind with negative thoughts.

Remember that what you think about, you bring about. That’s the law of attraction.

This RTO Saga

A comment someone left on one of my LinkedIn posts earlier this month ago caused me to reach out with a private message to them. That in turn led to an interesting hour-long Zoom call with the person a couple of days later.

They told me that they had been on a new job for about three months at a Fortune 500 company. As a senior project manager, this person loves the work and the pay. But a recent new directive from the company’s top management started giving them cause for concern.

They wanted everyone to return to the office.

While I can understand the rational for not having a remote work option available for some job situations, this is not the case with this particular organization. The company does not manufacture a physical product that needs people to be on a production line.

When the pandemic came, almost everyone in the organization worked remotely. But by the beginning of 2022, when public transmissions of COVID were still high, they started asking some people to return to the office.

The result? Many employees who preferred remote work began looking for options. Within months, majority of those people left. Two years later, the person I spoke to informed me of how so much institutional knowledge had been lost as a result. Another friend who works in the same organization informed me of multiple project delays due to lack of qualified resources.

Given this situation, a rational person would be inclined to ask, “why?” For what reasons would such a reputable organization continue to shoot itself in the foot after seeing the initial backlash to its initial return to office directive?

Considering the potential dire consequences, it doesn’t seem to make sense for leadership to double down on the need for employees to return. A casual observer would find it difficult to believe that the top leadership didn’t see this backlash coming.

But it’s most likely they did. In fact, they may be expecting it.

Someone has posited one guess for this approach. In order to trim their payrolls and force attrition without the need for severance packages, some companies may be instituting these return to the office policies. In an op-ed last year, one CEO argued that leaders have an ulterior motive for forcing out-of-market employees to return to the office. He suggested that the main issue is passivity and lack of transparency.

But I don’t think this reason applies to this particular Fortune 500 organization. This is because the company is on a hiring binge. They’re feverishly bringing on new employees to replace those who are quitting as a result of the new policies.

So, for this organization, another reason must be in play.

I have heard of cities that are offering some organizations huge incentives to make a minimum percentage of their employees return to the office. Why do the cities care, you may ask. With many organizations reducing their physical office footprint as a result of remote work, many office buildings are becoming vacant.

The resulting losses in rent revenue from the building owners have caused them to put pressure on their local politicians, who in turn started offering incentives to leaders in organization to bring their people back to the office.

Personally, I have no beef with companies receiving incentives from the cities in which they operate. What I have a problem with is the lack of transparency form organizational leadership.

Some people in leadership tend to forget that being vulnerable and transparent are key powerful leadership traits. Rather than make up reasons that don’t hold water for why they want people to return to the office, they ought to be clear in communicating what’s going on for every employee to understand.

In this scenario, I thought the leadership could have informed their employees about the incentives from the city that are geared towards people returning to the office. Then, instead of mandating everyone to return, they could make it voluntary and provide incentives for those employees willing to return to the office.

Cash incentives can work wonders. After all, the company is getting monetary incentives from the city. So, why not pass on the incentives to the employees to help them cover the additional cost (to the employees) of returning to the office?

Some may think there won’t have any takers but I would disagree. Firstly, there are employees who prefer to work in the office even without any incentives. Throw in a good enough incentive along with a honest appeal and you’d find enough people willing to return.

When you approach it this way, I believe people would respond positively especially if there has been a culture of openness and transparency within the organization. On the other hand, a long-term erosion in trust can lead to a workforce full of employees with one foot out the door.

What are your thought on this? If you were working with the organization I referenced, what would you do? What trends are you seeing within your organization as it relates to this return to office saga.

Not My Problem

Patrick knew his brother was headed in the wrong direction. He could see it clearly because he’s been there before. But Max doesn’t seem to know the potential consequences of his actions.

Being the oldest of his siblings, Patrick has embraced the fact that they all look up to him. On a few occasions, they have come to him to ask questions. He has provided them with insight when they don’t want to go to their parents. After all, they’re all adults and in their twenties now. He’s only a few years older and can empathize with some of the things they go through - maybe a little more than their parents.

Patrick thought the manner in which Max spends his money leaves much to be desired.

As a software engineer, Max has a good, well-paying job and he’s doing really well in the organization. In fact, he gets a bonus almost every month, which is rare in most places.

But rather than maintaining a good budget and putting the bonuses towards investments and paying down his $125K in student loans debt, he’s more interested in the finer things in life - expensive dinners, shoes and clothes.

Max also has a new girlfriend. As the older sibling who is now married, Patrick thought his brother is going about the relationship all wrong. This was Max’s first real romantic relationship and Patrick felt he’s in over his head.

As worried as Patrick was for his brother’s future, he was hesitant to interfere. He’s torn between saying nothing in order to preserve their relationship and potentially jeopardizing it by providing a much-needed constructive feedback. He’s at loss with what to do. He deeply loves his brother and doesn’t want to hurt him by telling him what he may not want to hear.

He’s a grown man after all, Patrick thought. He can make his own decisions. Even if he thought his decision-making could be better, they are his to make. If he needed counsel, he knew that he could come to him at any time to ask.

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

You know a much-needed feedback would be helpful to someone but you’re hesitant to deliver it to them simply because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. It’s difficult to be the bearer of news that could be perceived wrongly.

Yes, there may be some people who always delight in pointing out where someone is wrong. But for most of us, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up. Many people avoid it because they feel that doing so would hurt the person or bruise their ego.

It was King Solomon who said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." The sting of a critical feedback can be strong at the moment it’s given. But I think it hurts more when the consequences of what they’re doing wrong eventually catches up with them.

I know there are some of us who shy away from speaking up because doing so had blown up in our faces in the past. As a result, we’ve become overly cautious in speaking truth to power. You may have even taken the posture that it’s not your problem. Let them learn the tough lesson from experience.

But if they’re close enough to you, whatever it is may eventually be your problem.

I want you to imagine how you would feel when you later realize that you could have helped prevent their unwanted outcome with a timely feedback. Imagine the person you care about suffering as a result of preventable actions, only if you had spoken up.

So, what would you do when the situation arises? Will you be able to summon that courage when needed? Or will you shrivel under the weight of the responsibility?

That’s something for each of us to think about this week.

Learning Unwanted Lessons

When he was a toddler, my first son went through a phase during which he was always drawn to the open candle flame we sometimes had lit on a table in the center of our living room.

If you live in Europe or North America, you’re most likely wondering why we had open fire inside the house. It was actually a very common occurrence at that time in many parts of Africa, even in the big cities.

Living at the time in a country with epileptic power supply, we would light a candle to provide some semblance of lighting in the evenings anytime electricity was out. But the attraction to that single flame was too much for 8-month old Paul to resist.

Each time he would crawl towards the fire to touch it, my wife and I would rush to pick him up. We didn’t want him to experience the pain that we knew would be the result. But he didn’t know this. How could he? He was just a baby! All he knew was that we were preventing him from something he really wanted.

Once we put him down after pulling him away, he would start crawling right back toward it.

After a while, I told my wife that we should just let him touch the flame. After all, it won’t kill him, I thought. And he would learn the reason we have been trying to prevent him from touching the fire.

But she wouldn’t have it. His mother’s kind heart won’t allow her to go along with my plan. So, she continued to run after him to pick him up from approaching the definite danger. Until when she didn’t.

One day, while she wasn’t paying attention, my son darted towards the flame again. I saw him, knew what was going to happen, but did nothing to stop him. My wife’s back was turned, so she didn’t see him.

Eventually, he reached the flame and poked his forefinger into it. By the time his sudden cries reached his mother’s ears, I was already there to pick him up. I rubbed the aching finger, blew on it and even licked it in an attempt to ease his pain.

After that incident, my son never touch the flame again. For a while after that, he would just sit on the floor and watch it from afar. I could tell he remembered the pain he had felt when he touched the flame.

What I described here is a common scenario for most parents. We take the job of protecting our children very seriously. From our experiences we know what’s dangerous and we try to shield them from these.

As they get older, we continue to try to steer them away from the mistakes we had made when we were younger. We want them to avoid the heartaches we had experienced. But in many cases, it’s all for nought.

During their teenage years, they begin to test boundaries. As young adults, knowing that you no longer have the power to compel them, they could choose to turn deaf ears to your warnings against making the mistakes for which you had experienced bad consequences.

You wonder why they’re so strong-headed and would not listen to you. It’s as if they seem bent on repeating the same mistakes. To them, you’re still operating with ideas and approaches best left behind in the stone age.

As I think back on this, it occurred to me that many of us who are parents today had similar responses with our own parents when we were younger. We thought their ideas were old and archaic. We felt they didn’t live in the modern world.

While this may be true in some instances, I have since recognized some of the painful lessons I have learned - heartaches that could have been avoided if I had simply listened to reason and wise counsel.

Of course, I didn’t know it was wise counsel at the time. I just thought they were trying to control my life. Yes, there may be parents who are too controlling. But most are simply trying to guide out of the immense love they have.

While it would be too late for some of us whose parents are no longer around, there’s still time for the rest of us. We would do well to seek, listen to, and reflect on their sage advice. It doesn’t mean you have to follow it. But you may be surprised at the wisdom nuggets that you could acquire in the process.

So, if you have a parent, relative, or friend who have had a longer life experience than you, it would do you a world of good to learn from them. Tap into their insights. Actively seek their counsel.

Their experiences may not apply directly to your situation, but you can still glean some pearls of wisdom that are helpful. Simply form the habit of listening to and reflecting on given advice with a positive attitude.

Actively ask for it too! You could be surprised at what you may learn.

Your future self will be thankful you did.

Lessons Not Learned

If we’ve learned anything from experience, it’s that most things in life never go according to plan. Despite that, most business coaches worth their salt, would tell you that making a plan before venturing into anything worthwhile is an obviously good idea.

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said, “By failing to plan, you are preparing to fail.” If you think about it, it simply makes sense to plan a course of action before diving headlong into it. Doing that will ensure a high probability of success.

Still, having a plan doesn’t mean things will pan out as planned. This is the reason why the ability to pivot and course-correct is important even when you have a good plan. As someone who has spent about two decades in the project management profession, course-correction is something I’ve always come to expect.

During the years when I was actively leading corporate project teams, I learned to expect the unexpected. This served me well because it allowed me to quickly overcome that initial, instinctive negative emotion that comes with unexpected changes.

When the project is eventually completed successfully, one activity I used to earnestly look forward to was “Lessons Learned.” Depending on the project, this could be an all-day activity (or longer) involving most of the people who worked on the project.

As the name implies, we would recollect what we didn’t know when the project began, what changes occurred during the project execution, and what was done to steer the project back on course. All of these would be documented so that the next project could incorporate these learnings.

Funnily enough, once we were done, we would file these documents away to never see them again! And when that next project comes around, we repeat the mistakes and then go through the entire process again.

In hindsight, this usually happened because the project manager of that next project is typically different from the one who learned the lessons of the previous one. As it is in project management, it proves true with many of our life experiences.

My conclusion: we don’t seem to learn from other people’s mistakes.

It’s almost as if we’re more comfortable with shooting ourselves in the foot just to experience the pain. It’s not enough to see and learn from another’s uncomfortable or painful experience. We want to live it! More about this in the next newsletter.

For this week, I’d love your take on a couple of things:

Firstly, why do you think we do this? Why do we forgo learning from others’ pains in favor experiencing it ourselves?

Secondly, please share any experiences you may have in this area. In what situations have you (or others you know) not learned from the experiences of others, and ended up making similar mistakes.

I’d love to get your perspective. Share it in the comments below.

Please don’t leave me hanging!

New Year Resolutions? Yes or No

I typically don't make new year resolutions.

I don't think there's anything wrong with making them. I just don't make them and for a very simple reason.

I know and agree that setting goals are good. In fact, I think every human being should be working on a personal goal at any given time. But, I also believe that once a goal is identified as important, plans should be made to start taking the steps towards the realization of that goal immediately.

I don't think goals need to wait for the first day of the Gregorian calendar to be started. I believe there are other options if we want to begin things on a clean slate. We get a new week every 7 days, so that's an option. A new day also starts every 24 hours - that's another option.

Still, it's okay if the idea for a new goal comes to you during the last few days of a year and you choose to start working on that goal on new year's day. There's nothing wrong about that. What's more important is that you stick to the goal and see it to completion. Just don't be one of those who jettison their goals during the second week (or month) of the year.

So, do you make new year resolutions? If you do, have you been able to stick with them beyond the first few weeks? Which habit do you have today that began as a new year resolution?

And if you don't make any new year resolutions, what are your reasons?

Asking for Help

For almost three decades, my church has been sending a team every two years on a short term missions trip to different parts of Africa. Since my family became part of the church community after our move to Omaha 14 years ago, I had been involved in helping each team raise funds for the work to be done while they’re in Africa. But until about seven years ago, I never considered actually going with the team.

The major reason for this was funding.

Each member of the team had to raise funds to pay for all their expenses while on the trip - typically between $4,000 and $5,000. This is usually done by asking friends and family to contribute. If you know me well enough, you’d realize that asking for money from others is something that I would rather not do, to put it mildly. It makes me very uncomfortable. So, I concluded that if I wasn’t able to write a check to cover the entire amount for the trip, it was not  for me.

As a result, every time I was asked to go with each team, my response was the same: “I can’t go because I don’t want to ask people for money.” This continued until about eight years ago. After I gave that response to the pastor who was leading the team on the trip, he grabbed me by my shoulders, looked into my eyes, and said, “Sunday, you just need to swallow your pride and ask for help!”

Ouch!

That stung on many levels.

Later that week as I recovered from the sting, I reflected and realized that truly, it was my pride at play. I wanted to present and maintain the appearance that I had everything together when I did not. This was one of the lessons on humility that I learned and which I wrote about in my book, Nothing Higher: Why You Need to Descend in Order to Soar. Since then, I’ve learned to continually deal with this whenever it rears its ugly head.

Also, I know how beneficial it is to give to those who are in need. I write regularly in this newsletter about the importance of helping others and giving our time, talents, and resources to worthy causes. Multiple studies have shown that we’re happier and healthier when we are generous with what we have. Blessings flow in different forms towards those who give.

Then I realized something!

When I shy away from asking for, and receiving help for the missions trip, I’m denying others the opportunity to receive the blessings that would have been theirs as a result of their generosity. I definitely don’t want to do that!

So, why am I sharing all these, you ask. Well, it’s because after a 4-year hiatus due to the pandemic, we’re now preparing for another such trip to Zambia. It’s scheduled for June 2024 and I’m swallowing my pride to ask for your help in funding the trip.

The estimated total amount to be raised by each team member is US$4,000. While I know that some of you can write one check to cover the entire amount, I’m asking that you don’t do that at this time. I would love as many of you as possible to be involved in this so that the blessings that come through giving can reach more people.

If each person can give $100, the amount will be covered with 40 people. But not everyone can afford to give that amount. So, please give as little or as much as you’re able. If all you can afford is $1, $5, $10, $20 or $50, it all adds up. It’s the heart with which you’re giving that matters.

If you’re one of those willing to contribute much higher amounts, please start with the $100 and also let me know privately that you’re able to do more. If there’s still a shortfall as we get closer, I will reach out to you to let you know how you can help further.

Here are the steps you can take to give - please do it now so you don’t forget: 

• Go to https://www.bellevuechristian.com/give and click on the “ONLINE GIVING PORTAL” button

• In the “Fund” dropdown list, select “Missions”

• In the resulting “Sub Fund” dropdown, choose “Zambia 2024”

• In the “Note (optional)” box, please enter ‘“For Sunny Faronbi” so they’d know which team member you’re supporting

• Enter the amount you want to give, fill out your details, and click the “Submit” button

If you prefer to send a personal check, please make it payable to “Bellevue Christian Center” but be sure to include “Zambia 2024/Sunny Faronbi” in the annotation. The mailing address is on the web page I shared earlier.

Finally, whether you’re able to donate or not, if you’re a praying person, please consider praying for me and the team as we prepare for this trip.

I thank you for your generosity, kindness, and support.

Cherish the Time

Human existence can seem monotonous at times. The daily grind of getting through each day’s tedious and often repetitive activities could be boring. That’s until a pivotal event forces us to rethink and reassess.

My family experienced one such significant event this past week as we learned of the sudden passing of my sister-in-law’s husband. It was such a devastating news that it felt unreal. This type of experience forces you to reevaluate what you consider the important things in life.

As my wife and I spent most of last week with her sister while grieving the loss of her husband, it was heart-warming to see their circle of friends come around her to provide comfort. Every one of those who visited had good things to say about the departed.

Knowing the man, I agree with almost everything they said. Even though he wasn’t perfect (because no one is), he was a compassionate and kind-hearted man who loved his family deeply. As the tributes were pouring in from each person, the irony of the situation stuck me.

People were saying wonderful things about someone who was not there to receive those accolades. We tend to do that, don’t we? I think we do this due to our unspoken expectation that this gesture will provide some comfort for the loved ones left behind.

But when you think it through, how in the world do we expect that paying such homage would alleviate their grief and sufferings? To me, it seems to do the opposite. I think doing this amplifies the loss. Unfortunately, this scenarios plays out very frequently.

You see it at funerals where people give speeches and eulogies espousing how wonderful the person was. Wouldn’t it be more impactful if we say these things to their faces, when they could really appreciate the kind words being said about them?

As I thought of this, I realized that while we cannot do anything about those already gone, we sure can try harder with those who are still here.

So, here’s my challenge to you this week: Reach out to those you hold very dear (personal or professional) and let them know how much you appreciate their influence in your life. Be specific and share with them at least one area of your life they have impacted.

Life is too short for us to waste it on arguments and quarrels. Interestingly enough, this is what we are wont to do with people that are supposed to be the closest to us. This is especially true with parent-child and sibling relationships. These are the strongest relationships we have but they’re also the ones we frequently take for granted.

If your parents are still with you, why not tell them how much you cherish them when you still have the time? Do it from time to time. Quit the approach that they know how much you love them, so you don’t have to say it.

They don’t have to have won “parent of the year” awards, but they gave you life, nurtured you and most likely supported you during your growing years. Many of us would not be where we are today without the support, love, and care of our parents. No matter how high-handed or “controlling” we think they were, it may be good to reflect on what your life would have been without their strong influences, protections, and provisions.

I’m not asking you to give false platitudes and say what you don’t mean. But if you’re going to be saying great things at their eulogy, don’t wait until it’s too late. They may be gone before you get another chance. Give them your gratitude when they can be there to receive and appreciate it.

Siblings are notorious for getting on one another’s nerves. Yet these are the people that most of us have known for most (if not all) of our lives. We grew up with them. The bond we share with our siblings can be one of the strongest ever. Yet, those bods could have become weak due to personal, philosophical, or political differences.

But as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. So, instead of incessantly complaining about their annoying behaviors, why not tell them the positive impact they’ve had in your life? Rather than grumbling about what they’re not doing well, share with them the positive attributes you’ve noticed in them.

None of us know how much time we have left on this planet. Many people leave their homes each morning with a plan to return in the evening, but do not. Without reflection, most of us live under the illusion that we have control over how long we live, especially when we’re still young and active. The honest truth is that we do not. Accidents, heart attacks, and ruptured brain aneurysms (just to name a few) can take lives suddenly.

Let’s cherish the time we have with our loved ones and communicate such to them. This is especially true for those with whom we would live with the regrets of not expressing how we feel when they’re with us.

Living with such regrets can make for a frustrating existence. Don’t let that be your portion.

Mindful Attention

As a result of frequent business travel during the major part of my career, I have been witness to an array of cringe-inducing behaviors at airports and rental car locations. In some cases, it’s seeing the results of behaviors that most likely happened away from the prying eyes of travelers.

I remembered one such experience that I had several years ago while picking up my checked luggage at a destination airport. When my hard-shell luggage showed up on the conveyor belt, I couldn’t believe what my eyes were beholding. It had a huge dent on one corner and looked as if it has been through a tornado, hurricane and an earthquake all rolled into one.

It was almost brand new when I handed it over to the gate agent while checking in a few hours earlier. Why was it now looking like I’ve been using it for a hundred years! I was so sad at the sight that I almost didn’t want to pick it up from the carousel. But I had to! I didn’t have a choice since everything I needed for that 3-day trip was inside.

I took pictures of the dent and filed a claim with American Airlines. At the end, they couldn’t (or didn’t want to) do anything. I still have that piece of luggage today (I rarely use it anymore), so I remember this experience anytime I see it with that ugly dent.

Because of this experience and a few others, I’ve often wondered why it is difficult for baggage handlers to treat passenger bags with careful and mindful attention each time. If they do, nobody’s luggage would end up dented or destroyed, would it? At least, that’s what I thought.

Then one day, a thought occurred to me. It was a true eye-opener.

As a passenger, my piece of checked baggage is unique and special to me. Afterall, I took great care in packing it for my travel. But to the baggage handlers, my luggage is just one in a sea of several hundreds or thousands that they will process and handle any given day. So, to them, mine doesn’t stand out. There’s nothing special about it.

You could ask the guy who mindlessly threw or shoved my bag from one conveyor belt to another how it got its big, ugly dent, and he won’t be able to tell you what happened to it. The damage most likely happened in the process of engaging in the repetitive motions that moved thousands of bags along to their various intended destinations.

As I found myself silently accusing and resenting these faceless handlers of maltreating my luggage, I began to wonder if I pay the same mindful attention that I’m expecting of others to my own tasks - especially the ones that require mindless, repetitive motions.

The unfortunate truth is that I do not; at least not all the time. My guess is that the same applies to you.

But can you imagine how much heartaches we can avoid if we take just a moment to be mindful of our actions, no matter how repetitive or habitual they are? Those actions may not be serving us (or others) well, yet we continue with them because we do them without thinking.

So, this is my simple question for you this week: What habitual, repetitive action or behavior would you rethink?

Truth and Reconciliation

A couple of months ago, I experienced something intriguing during my summer travel to Australia. While it was interesting to me, it did seem completely normal to those who live there because it happens all the time.

It was just a simple acknowledgement.

At the end of each flight operated by Qantas Airways, Australia's biggest airline, a flight attendant says these words as a part of the announcement:

We acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders, the traditional custodians of the land on which we work, live and fly. We pay respect to elders past, present and emerging.

This citation didn't just happen on flights. As my daughter and I toured the country, we saw this scenario repeat itself in every city and with many of the activities we engaged in.

We saw it happen at the beginning of group tours. We saw it happen at the end of group tours. We saw them do it during river cruises. We saw it written onto museum walls. We even saw signs posted with these words in almost every shop and restaurant we entered.

If you have been to Australia, you may have noticed it also. But it was fascinating to me since this was my first time in the country down under. So, I did a little digging into the country's history.

When the Europeans first arrived in Australia in 1770, they did not recognize the rights of the indigenous Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples. In fact, they declared that Australia was terra nullius - land belonging to nobody. They plundered and ravaged the land; and tried to kill off the original owners of the land.

But things seem to be changing these days.

Over the last 30 years, a lot of work has been done toward reconciliation. And that work continues earnestly today. That's why we heard that simple acknowledgment on local flights in Australia. And the tour guides say them before every city tour they give. It took over 200 years, but these are steps in the right direction.

Reflecting on these efforts by the Australians made me think about my own country. The history of the British arriving in America dates much farther back than the 1700s. So, we have had a longer time to ponder some of the events in our past.

Unfortunately, I don't see similar efforts at acknowledging and dealing with the atrocities committed against Native Americans by the early European settlers in the United States. Instead of federal and state governments leading the efforts on bringing healing, we have elected leaders who seem to be more interested in digging further into old wounds to draw fresh blood.

This has led to a portion of the populace who gets defensive whenever these atrocities of the past are mentioned. They see these as attacks on their progenitors, so they rise fiercely to their defenses irrespective of what history says.

In some states, there are even attempts at rewriting history through the replacement of history books with new ones. One example of this rewrite claims that slavery was beneficial to the slaves. It would seem that they're not only trying to rewrite history, they want to ensure deeper divisions happen between future generations of Americans who would have learned differing accounts of America's past.

But instead of denying the atrocities of the past, I think we should be reaching out for reconciliation. Rather than trying to rewrite history, we should be taking steps toward acknowledging past wrongs and correcting the policies that encourage the continuation of systemic inequities.

I think these would be steps in the right direction. Maybe we can learn a thing or two from the Australians.

Asking the Right Questions

Good leaders know that asking questions is an important ingredient in leadership. Even when you think you have a good grasp on a situation, asking questions can allow others to provide additional insights that you may not have otherwise.

Also, great leaders know that asking the right questions is a powerful way to  seek new ideas, overcome blind spots and secure the buy-in of their teams members. So, much more important than asking questions is knowing the right questions to ask

Consider this dialogue between a married couple who seemed to have a broken garage door keypad.

Wife: Did you reprogram the garage door opener?

Husband: (hesitates before responding) Don't worry about it. The garage door is working fine now.

Wife: But did you reprogram it?

Husband: (hesitates again while thinking "the issue is not with the reprogramming", but then responded with) Reprogramming it is not the problem and as I said before, it's working now.

Wife: How can it be working if it has not been reprogrammed? Our son was locked out late when he was visiting and couldn't get in through the door.

Husband: But that was three weeks ago. I've fixed the issue since that time.

Wife: (her voice rising) It doesn't matter how long it was, how is it fixed if you didn't reprogram it?! Why can't you just answer the question of whether or not you have reprogrammed it!

Husband: (now getting frustrated) Because it doesn't need reprogramming. The keypad just needed a new battery and I replaced it.

Wife: (her voice rising even higher) Why then can't you answer the question of whether you reprogrammed the door or not?!

 At this stage, the husband kept quiet while thinking to himself, "Why are you so much fixated on a response to that question when it's the wrong question to ask in this situation?"

To him, the goal of the question was to find out if the door was working. He thought that the correct response to the question of "did you reprogram the garage door opener" was "no, I didn't reprogrammed it". But that does nothing to communicate the fact that the problem with the door was now fixed.

This exchange highlights how asking the wrong question and insisting on getting a response to that question can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and disagreements. So, what are the right questions to ask?

I believe asking open-ended questions are best.

Close-ended questions (requiring "Yes/No", "True/False", "Right/Wrong" responses) are laced with the assumption that what the question assumes is the right course of action. What happens if getting either response from these set of binary choices does nothing to provide clarity to the situation?

As someone who was recently told by a person close to me that I sometimes ask questions that are laced with assumptions (especially in personal situations), I'm trying to do a better job of thinking through the questions I ask. I want to ask questions that will trigger the thought processes of the respondent and which ensures that I get to the goal of the question as quickly as possible.

What about you? What kind of questions do you ask, if any?

When Optics is King

One of my mentors sent me a note last week that piqued my interest and prompted a question that I want you to consider. As a leader, do you care about how those you're leading see you?

Does it matter to you whether they respect you or not? Or maybe you just don't care. Could it be that as long as everyone knows you're the boss, nothing else matters?

I wonder how many people who are managers of teams revel in the position that is conferred on them by their titles. They don't care how their teams truly see them as long as the people suck up to them.

Last week, an excerpt from a forthcoming biography was released by the author, McKay Coppins. This is the biography of Mitt Romney, a United States senator from the state of Utah. Mr. Romney had also just announced that he would retire after his current term is over in 2024.

In the excerpt, Mr. Romney recalled a 2019 visit that then President Trump made to the weekly Senate Republican lunch in the Capitol. The senators gave the president a standing ovation and were attentive and encouraging during his remarks. But as soon as Mr. Trump left the room, the senators all burst out laughing at him.

Mitt Romney is one of the very few Republicans who have always been critical of Trump. He voted twice to impeach him and have spoken out boldly about the need for his party to move on from the former president. But he also contends that he's not alone. He says that many of his senate colleagues share his dim views of Trump but are just afraid to say so publicly. In the biography, he shared the story about Trump's visit to the Senate Republican lunch to prove the point.

Now, I know that any story about Trump these days is very polarizing (especially in the United States), so my sharing this anecdote here isn't an attempt to disparage him. I simply use it to call your attention to two things:

1. A leader whose team laughs at them behind their back but who has no clue or just doesn't care. Are you that kind of leader?

2. A follower who is afraid of speaking truth to power because of the potential blowback? Are you that kind of follower?

In these scenarios, the leader either lacks the self-awareness to see how their team actually sees them or they could care less. As long as their people praise them in public and say good things about them to their faces, all is well in their delusional world.

The follower on the other hand lacks the backbone and strength of character to stand for the truth. They're afraid of what they would lose if  they publicly speak or act in alignment with the values they hold dear.

Either of these people only seem to care about the optics. They're more concerned about appearances than the real deal.

What's more important to you? Appearances or authenticity.

You have the power to choose.

Doing What You Say You’d Do

Have you ever wanted something so much that it is painful to reject it because an acceptance violates a core principle of your existence?

I experienced something akin to this recently.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to interview for an executive-level position with a great organization. This is an organization for which I have great respect and have admired from afar for many years. Their mission was in perfect alignment with my values, so I was thrilled when the opportunity presented itself. After going through a few stages of interviews and assessments, I had the opportunity to have a final chat with the hiring manager, a C-Suite executive.

During our first video meeting, he was five minutes late. Because being late for anything is a huge red flag for me, I made a note of this, so I would not forget the details in case I choose to address it later. I also noted that he gave no reason for being late to the meeting. But I thought it was good to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he was a very busy executive, so being late to a meeting by five minutes can be excused - at least at that time, being the first time in my experience with him.

A couple of weeks later when he was supposed to call me, his call came 13 minutes after the agreed time. This time, he said he had thought it was another video meeting and was looking for the link. I accepted his reason but also made a note of it. During that discussion (it was a Friday), he told me that he was ready to extend an offer and that I should give his team until the end of the following week to put everything together.

When the following Friday came and went with no further information, I thought I’d give him until the next day since Saturday is technically the last day of the week. If I heard nothing by Monday, I planned to get in touch. On Monday afternoon, I sent him a text to ask what was going on. He responded that he had to deal with an “internal process friction,” and that there would be the need for a final video interview. After that interview, I received an email from his director of office administration a couple of days later asking if I could be available for a quick phone call that morning. During that early morning hour-long discussion, we both concluded that our expectations of what the position entailed were not in alignment. We left the discussion with him saying that we should both give the situation more thought and then regroup later.

By the time we finished talking, it was settled in my mind that the position was not a good fit for me. Even though I was disappointed and really wanted the job, I knew exactly what I needed to do. After thinking over the situation over the next 24 hours, I sent him an email, explaining why I was pulling out of being considered for the position. I then waited for a response. But nothing came.

I thought that not getting a response - any kind of response, even just a simple acknowledgment, was unusual. But I continued to wait, and wait, and wait for more than a month. While waiting, I went through different scenarios in my head about why he didn’t respond. All kinds of conspiracy theories came to mind, but I knew they were all just that - conspiracies - because I didn’t really know the actual reason. Finally, early one morning, I decided it was better to reach out and find out instead of speculating. This was exactly 45 days since I sent that email.

I sent him a text message asking if he could be available for a discussion and he obliged. He immediately sent back a text message that he would call me at 8:20 a.m. that morning. After more than an hour past the time he promised (around 9:30 a.m.), I sent him another text message that I’d been waiting for his call. Still, there was no response. Eventually, his call came at exactly 1:13 p.m. - almost five hours after he promised to call.

I told him I had been expecting a response - any kind of response at all - from my email sent to him a month and a half ago. He simply laughed about it and apologized. He said that he had so many things going on and had simply forgotten to close the loop with me. He also thanked me for making the decision easy for him by my withdrawal from being considered for the position.

I have to say that this executive was very personable and seemed like he would be a great person to work with. But my interactions with him left a very bad taste in my mouth. I couldn’t shake the fact that he had not kept his word to me during each of the opportunities I had to interact with him. He was late each time and didn’t follow through on what he said he’d do. Even though I’m a stickler for time, I definitely understand that there are instances when situations beyond one’s control could be responsible for something like this. Still, I believe that such situations are few and far between with people of integrity.

In the rare situations when these happen, those who desire to keep to their word find ways to get in front of it by managing the expectations of those waiting for them. They work hard at saying what they mean and doing what they say. With the highly interconnected world in which we currently live, it’s easier than ever to make a phone call or send a quick text message letting the person know you’re running late. I have found out that someone who is determined to follow through on promises will use whatever means they can find to communicate their inability to deliver before the agreed deadline is reached.

Even before I withdrew my candidacy from the position, I was already skeptical about working with this executive who seemed to be disrespectful of other people’s time. If I had been given an offer, my next step would have been to schedule another discussion with him before accepting it. The major points in that discussion would have had a lot to do with the issue of him not keeping to the promised time during our prior interactions. This was the reason I kept a detailed record of his tardiness so that I would have my facts straight.

As far as I was concerned, such behavior is simply unacceptable for anyone who desires to be taken seriously in their leadership, much less a C-Suite executive. It doesn’t matter how busy they claim to be. I can only imagine how that discussion with him would have gone if it had happened. And I was ready to walk away from the offer if necessary. In the final analysis, I believe that I dodged a bullet by not taking the job. Experiencing what I described here frequently with someone I work with daily would be a very frustrating experience for me. And I wouldn’t have kept quiet about it.

Saying what you mean and doing what you say at the time you promised might seem like a simple proposition for everyone to follow, but living by it can be a challenge for some. If your integrity is important to you, however, it’s a challenge that you must learn to embrace. When you don’t follow through with what you said you’d do, you’re effectively saying that others do not matter, that your words (implied or expressly stated) do not carry the weight they should, and that you cannot be counted upon when it truly matters. I believe this translates to being disrespectful to them.

I don’t think that’s something anyone would want to be known for.

But that’s just me.

Remembering to Breathe

Like many people, I suffer from Spring allergies or hay fever as it is referred to in other parts of the world. During the peak of the season, I dare not venture outside for a few minutes without wearing a face mask. Yes, I've been wearing those face coverings long before COVID-19 made them fashion accessories.

But the face masks do not protect my eyes. So, they get very itchy on days that the pollen counts are high, even sometimes while I'm inside. As a result, I'm used to carrying eye drops around to ease the itching.

A few days ago, I suddenly became aware of something.

I found out that each time I finish putting those drops in my eyes, I begin to huff and puff, breathless as if I've just completed a 100-meter dash. This has been going on for several years but I never really paid attention to why it was happening.

The reason for this suddenly dawned on me a couple of days ago!

Anytime I tilt my face upwards and raise the tiny bottle up to put in the eye drops, I instinctively stop breathing. I didn't know why I was doing that neither did I realize I was doing it, but it happened each time. Does this happen to you also?

Maybe I'm the weird exception that this happens to!

I know that most of us don't pay attention to our breathing. That's because it's not something we consciously do. Our respiratory center is located in the medulla oblongata and is involved in the minute-to-minute control of our breathing. But this thing seems to forget to do its job whenever I'm putting drops in my eyes.

Why is that?

Researchers have discovered that when we face a threat of any kind, the brain tends to divert most of the body's resources to deal with the threat. That explains the reason why you can run faster than normal from danger when your life is at risk. Most of the body's active resources are directed toward making your legs move faster than they normally would if there were no threats.

That most likely explains why I stop breathing when strange liquid drops are about to enter my eyes. Even though I'm the one putting them in, it seems my brain is diverting all attention to my eyes to ensure that they're safe.

But I digress! That's not the point I'm trying to make in this newsletter.

My focus is really on some of the things we do without our conscious awareness of them. Over the past few months, I've been developing a new course for project managers for delivery through the Project Management Institute's PMI Training sessions. In the process, I've spent countless hours poring over different kinds of research about unconscious biases.

So, I wonder if my increased sensitivity to these biases is responsible for my new level of awareness of the reasons for the breathlessness I experience anytime I put those soothing drops into my itchy eyes. The fact is that there are so many things that we do daily without our conscious awareness of them.

Do you know what yours are?

I think it's time we begin slowing down to pay attention to the things we do and why we do them. That awareness could be the beginning of the journey into why you're getting the current results you are getting in your life and in your career.

Unfortunately, many people go through life without this awareness. Most of their behaviors are carried out without mindful thoughts behind them. And when the results come, they attribute it to fate. I'm reminded of a quote I've seen attributed to Carl Jung: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

So, why don't you and I begin to pay more attention to what we do and why we do them? Doing that and making changes where it's needed to ensure that our unconscious behaviors do not drive us off a cliff could be the beginning of the life transformation we've needed for a long time.

It's time to start remembering to breathe when dropping some relief into itchy eyes.

At least that's what I try to do these days.