On the Other Side of You

I was around 12 years old when I first recorded myself on cassette tapes while reading a few of my class notes for later playback. You’re probably wondering what possessed me to do that.

It was due to a simple calculation that my naïve, preteen mind thought made good sense.

Since one could easily recall the lyrics of, and sing along to a favorite music after listening to it several times, I thought that should be applicable to anything. So, I recorded myself reading the school notes I had taken in a few of the classes that I didn’t particularly like (such as History and Government). I was hoping that listening to the playback over and over would help me recall them easily. It worked with music, so it should work with the dry, joyless reading of high school world history class notes, right?

As you may have imagined, it didn’t work out as planned.

First of all, I found out that my recordings were not as pleasant to the ears as enjoyable music. Listening to the recordings lulled me to sleep instead. So, there was no motivation to continue listening to them after that first time. There was also a second discovery that I hadn’t counted on.

I didn’t like the sound of my own voice.

It just did not sound like me. Even as an adult, this aversion to hearing my own recorded voice continued for a while. Eventually, I got used to it after being recorded many times over the years as I spoke at conferences and webinars. I became so familiar with it that I decided to handle the main narration for the audio version of Nothing Higher myself.

I have since learned that most people are like this. Many of just don’t like the sound of our own recorded voices. We don’t seem to like how our voices come across.

What I found most interesting about this is that other people would tell you that your recorded voice sounds exactly the same way you come across in real life. I have found myself vehemently denying this in the past, despite the overwhelming evidence!

As it is with our voice, so it is with our behaviors. I’ve seen people recoil in horror when shown a video of them which may have been taken without their awareness. Some are surprised at their posture or how they walk. Others seem surprised that their resting face is a frowny one. Then, there are those who are surprised at their own behaviors.

Imagine what it would look like if you can see a video of yourself as you go about your usual daily activities at the same moment you’re going through those actions. Do you think you’d like what you see?

Now consider the fact that this is what others see of you as you interact with them. So, I ask: What is it like to be on the other side of you? Do you know?

Have you considered what it is like to be on the other side of you at work and at home? I’m not asking about what you want people to think or the impressions you’ve tried to create about yourself. I’m asking about how people experience you in real time.

Many of us think we can easily answer this question correctly but the reality is completely different. We all think we are self-aware and we tend to think others aren’t. There seems to be a great mismatch between what many of us believe it’s like to be on the other side of us and what it’s actually like.

What can we do to close this gap?

Ryan Leak, in his book, Leveling Up, recommends asking yourself, reflecting on, and answering variations of this question. Here are a few from his list:

What is it like to be on the other side of my Facebook comments?

What is it like to be on the other side of my parenting?

What is it like to be on the other side of my marriage?

What is it like to be on the other side of my emails?

What is it like to be on a team with me?

What is it like to be related to me?

What is it like to be my neighbor?

What is it like to work with me?

What is it like to live with me?

What is it like to be my friend?

As you can imagine, this is not an exhaustive list, so you can add a few more that are applicable to you. If you’re up to it, you can even ask the people that each of these question points to.

As you reflect on and answer these questions, here’s a warning: Don’t fall into the trap that being on the other side of you is as awesome as you think.

Err on the side of caution and allow room for improvement. I have a sneaky suspicion that no one is as good as we think we are. No matter how awesome you may think you are, there’s always room for improvement.

Always.

More Than Adequate

At the end of one of my seminars in Orlando a couple of months ago, one of the participants (let's call him Joe) walked up to me and said, "Sunny, thank you for addressing your accent at the start of the course."

He said this to me because of how I began the class . . .

At the start of this particular 2-day class on emotional intelligence, I usually jokingly reference my unique accent. I do this because of the unconscious emotional reactions many people have to unfamiliar accents being heard the first time.

I began doing this about 5 years ago anytime I teach this class and I've received varied responses since then. But this was the first time someone had actually thanked me for doing it.

And I realized it's most likely because Joe also speaks with an accent that's unfamiliar to most North American ears.

For many who speak with an accent that's different from that of most people around them, it can create uncomfortable situations for them. This could, in turn, manifest in different ways:

• Not speaking in work meetings even when they have great ideas

• Refraining from engaging in discussions with coworkers

Many of these people shy away from addressing the elephant in the room because of how uncomfortable they feel. Without saying the words, it felt as if Joe was thanking me for showing him a way to handle that elephant.

If you're like Joe, remember that:

• Everyone has an accent. Yours is only being noticed only because there are not many like you in that environment.

• You are valuable to your company. Your ideas and contributions are important. If not, you won't have a job. So, speak up!

• You speak with an accent because you most likely speak more than one language. Your diversity of background adds immense value to your team and your company.

 Instead of feeling awkward, embrace your gift and uniqueness in being multi-lingual. It is estimated that between 60-75% of the world's population speaks at least two languages, so you're in the majority.

Bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger was ridiculed for his accent while trying to break into Hollywood. He not only became the terminator. He was California's Governator!

You don't need to feel small or inadequate. In fact, you are more than adequate. You have something great to say and contribute to this world.

Say it in your beautiful accent!

Not About Self-Worth

Have you ever created or developed something that you're afraid of sharing with a group of friends?

Maybe you created a piece of art, wrote an article, whipped up a meal from a recipe you created from scratch or designed a new product.

You've very excited about your creation. You seem proud of your accomplishment.

Still, you're very hesitant to unveil it to friends and family because you don't know how what you've produced will be received.

I think most (if not everyone) of us go through one form or another of this type of hesitation during the different phases of our existence. Sometimes, it happens to us daily. Other times, it hits us intermittently.

The biggest one of these that hit me in recent years has to do with the writing and publication of my book, Nothing Higher.

In the months leading up to the release of the book, I grappled with the thoughts of how it would be received. I imagined that there will be a gaggle of critics armed with their disapprovals and condemnations following its release. I constantly wrestled with thoughts such as:

"Who would anyone want to read the book?"

"What makes you think you can write a book?"

"You're an engineer! Engineers don't write books not related to their technical fields!"

" Who do you think you are to write a book on humility? You're not even a humble person!"

All of these thoughts and more plagued me, becoming stronger as the release date drew nearer.

Truth be told, I had one or more versions of these skeptical thoughts throughout the almost seven years it took me to complete the manuscript. That probably explains why it took that long to get it finished. I was always thinking it wasn't good enough and had many doubts.

These self-limiting beliefs can come at us from different directions.

For you, it may be about sharing your thoughts in a meeting. You could be wondering if others would consider your thoughts run-of-the-mill rather than powerful.

It could be about presenting an innovative idea you have, and you’re wondering if it’s that innovative? You’re flooded with thoughts such as, “if I can think of it, why would others not have thought of it before me? Maybe it's not novel after all!”

For others, it could be about the way they speak -  being conscious of their accent. “Will they understand me?”

These thoughts can run the whole gamut, from the silliest you could imagine, all the way to the biggest moments in your life. But behind every one of them is an attempt to run away from vulnerability.

Most of us recoil from being vulnerable. We don't want our true selves to be known because of rejection. Many times, this goes back to either how we were raised, events that have shaped our lives, or a combination of both. But everything about this usually points to one thing - our worthiness.

We tend to connect others' acceptance of what we're doing to our sense of worth. If they like it, we're worthy. If not, we're worthless. As a result, we refuse to let ourselves be seen. We hide our gifts and talents.

Please allow me to say this loud and clear: your worthiness has nothing to do with your work product. It has nothing to do with what you can do or how well you do it.

Your worthiness has everything to do with the fact that you're human. You're a jewel of inestimable value. You have infinite potential. And you're only limited by how you choose to tap into that potential.

Abraham Maslow was once reputed to have said that human potential is, for all intents and purposes, infinite. You and I have the capacity for greatness, for significance, for excellence. We're limited only by what we choose to do with that capacity.

Keep this in mind the next time you're afraid to show your work or idea to would-be critics. Who cares if they don't think it's good enough?! As long as it's your very best efforts at that moment in time, you should be proud of it. You can only grow from there.

Some of the critical feedback you receive can help you get better and may eventually catapult you into the stratosphere of great achievement and significance. Even then, your self-worth still does not change. Don’t tie your achievement to who you are.

By publishing Nothing Higher, I chose the route of vulnerability. I chose to not allow the fears and doubts to overwhelm me. I focused on who I am - because that's been settled a long time ago. It has nothing to do with how well my book does.

Being successful or having failed in doing something does not matter. You are who you are! That's more important than anything else.

Remember that.