When he was a toddler, my first son went through a phase during which he was always drawn to the open candle flame we sometimes had lit on a table in the center of our living room.
If you live in Europe or North America, you’re most likely wondering why we had open fire inside the house. It was actually a very common occurrence at that time in many parts of Africa, even in the big cities.
Living at the time in a country with epileptic power supply, we would light a candle to provide some semblance of lighting in the evenings anytime electricity was out. But the attraction to that single flame was too much for 8-month old Paul to resist.
Each time he would crawl towards the fire to touch it, my wife and I would rush to pick him up. We didn’t want him to experience the pain that we knew would be the result. But he didn’t know this. How could he? He was just a baby! All he knew was that we were preventing him from something he really wanted.
Once we put him down after pulling him away, he would start crawling right back toward it.
After a while, I told my wife that we should just let him touch the flame. After all, it won’t kill him, I thought. And he would learn the reason we have been trying to prevent him from touching the fire.
But she wouldn’t have it. His mother’s kind heart won’t allow her to go along with my plan. So, she continued to run after him to pick him up from approaching the definite danger. Until when she didn’t.
One day, while she wasn’t paying attention, my son darted towards the flame again. I saw him, knew what was going to happen, but did nothing to stop him. My wife’s back was turned, so she didn’t see him.
Eventually, he reached the flame and poked his forefinger into it. By the time his sudden cries reached his mother’s ears, I was already there to pick him up. I rubbed the aching finger, blew on it and even licked it in an attempt to ease his pain.
After that incident, my son never touch the flame again. For a while after that, he would just sit on the floor and watch it from afar. I could tell he remembered the pain he had felt when he touched the flame.
What I described here is a common scenario for most parents. We take the job of protecting our children very seriously. From our experiences we know what’s dangerous and we try to shield them from these.
As they get older, we continue to try to steer them away from the mistakes we had made when we were younger. We want them to avoid the heartaches we had experienced. But in many cases, it’s all for nought.
During their teenage years, they begin to test boundaries. As young adults, knowing that you no longer have the power to compel them, they could choose to turn deaf ears to your warnings against making the mistakes for which you had experienced bad consequences.
You wonder why they’re so strong-headed and would not listen to you. It’s as if they seem bent on repeating the same mistakes. To them, you’re still operating with ideas and approaches best left behind in the stone age.
As I think back on this, it occurred to me that many of us who are parents today had similar responses with our own parents when we were younger. We thought their ideas were old and archaic. We felt they didn’t live in the modern world.
While this may be true in some instances, I have since recognized some of the painful lessons I have learned - heartaches that could have been avoided if I had simply listened to reason and wise counsel.
Of course, I didn’t know it was wise counsel at the time. I just thought they were trying to control my life. Yes, there may be parents who are too controlling. But most are simply trying to guide out of the immense love they have.
While it would be too late for some of us whose parents are no longer around, there’s still time for the rest of us. We would do well to seek, listen to, and reflect on their sage advice. It doesn’t mean you have to follow it. But you may be surprised at the wisdom nuggets that you could acquire in the process.
So, if you have a parent, relative, or friend who have had a longer life experience than you, it would do you a world of good to learn from them. Tap into their insights. Actively seek their counsel.
Their experiences may not apply directly to your situation, but you can still glean some pearls of wisdom that are helpful. Simply form the habit of listening to and reflecting on given advice with a positive attitude.
Actively ask for it too! You could be surprised at what you may learn.
Your future self will be thankful you did.