Not My Problem

Patrick knew his brother was headed in the wrong direction. He could see it clearly because he’s been there before. But Max doesn’t seem to know the potential consequences of his actions.

Being the oldest of his siblings, Patrick has embraced the fact that they all look up to him. On a few occasions, they have come to him to ask questions. He has provided them with insight when they don’t want to go to their parents. After all, they’re all adults and in their twenties now. He’s only a few years older and can empathize with some of the things they go through - maybe a little more than their parents.

Patrick thought the manner in which Max spends his money leaves much to be desired.

As a software engineer, Max has a good, well-paying job and he’s doing really well in the organization. In fact, he gets a bonus almost every month, which is rare in most places.

But rather than maintaining a good budget and putting the bonuses towards investments and paying down his $125K in student loans debt, he’s more interested in the finer things in life - expensive dinners, shoes and clothes.

Max also has a new girlfriend. As the older sibling who is now married, Patrick thought his brother is going about the relationship all wrong. This was Max’s first real romantic relationship and Patrick felt he’s in over his head.

As worried as Patrick was for his brother’s future, he was hesitant to interfere. He’s torn between saying nothing in order to preserve their relationship and potentially jeopardizing it by providing a much-needed constructive feedback. He’s at loss with what to do. He deeply loves his brother and doesn’t want to hurt him by telling him what he may not want to hear.

He’s a grown man after all, Patrick thought. He can make his own decisions. Even if he thought his decision-making could be better, they are his to make. If he needed counsel, he knew that he could come to him at any time to ask.

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

You know a much-needed feedback would be helpful to someone but you’re hesitant to deliver it to them simply because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. It’s difficult to be the bearer of news that could be perceived wrongly.

Yes, there may be some people who always delight in pointing out where someone is wrong. But for most of us, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up. Many people avoid it because they feel that doing so would hurt the person or bruise their ego.

It was King Solomon who said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." The sting of a critical feedback can be strong at the moment it’s given. But I think it hurts more when the consequences of what they’re doing wrong eventually catches up with them.

I know there are some of us who shy away from speaking up because doing so had blown up in our faces in the past. As a result, we’ve become overly cautious in speaking truth to power. You may have even taken the posture that it’s not your problem. Let them learn the tough lesson from experience.

But if they’re close enough to you, whatever it is may eventually be your problem.

I want you to imagine how you would feel when you later realize that you could have helped prevent their unwanted outcome with a timely feedback. Imagine the person you care about suffering as a result of preventable actions, only if you had spoken up.

So, what would you do when the situation arises? Will you be able to summon that courage when needed? Or will you shrivel under the weight of the responsibility?

That’s something for each of us to think about this week.

A Better Gift

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the need for us to be receptive to the gift of constructive feedback. Some respondents wondered about the giver of the feedback. One of the comments came from someone who said that those giving the feedback should also learn to give them with kindness and empathy.

I wholeheartedly agree!

The only problem with this is that you and I have no control over how the giver of the feedback chooses to give it. What we can control is our own receptiveness to it even when the gift comes wrapped inside a prickly cactus.

The situation is different however when WE are the giver of the gift of feedback. As the source of feedback, you definitely want to have self-awareness in the manner you deliver the gift. It should be done with compassion and kindness.

But I'm also aware that doing it this way doesn't guarantee that the recipient will not take offense. No matter how kind and gentle feedback comes, some people would never like it because they would always see it as an indictment of their character.

That's the reason I think there's an even better way.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not saying that this better way is simpler. In fact, I think it's most likely more difficult for some of us, myself included. But it's better because it increases the chances of delivering better results, which is a change in behavior.

What's this better way?

Tell people who they are. Or remind them who they are.

To be sure, this doesn't mean we should no longer give people the gift of constructive feedback. There will be times when that will be needed. But I've discovered that it’s more impactful when such feedback comes sparingly and with many instances of reminding people who they are, sprinkled between each feedback.

So, what do I mean when I say it's better to tell or remind people who they are?

Consider this scenario: your son behaves in a disrespectful manner contrary to what he's been taught. In trying to correct the behavior, most parents would most likely reprimand the child and tell him what should be done next time. I know that would have been my tendency. When this continues repeatedly, the child could become adamant and defensive when most infractions are dealt with this way.

But imagine a situation where instead of a reprimand, the child is told who he is - "You're known to be respectful. What's happening with you?"

Consider another situation where one of your team members at work makes a mistake or drops the ball on an assignment. Rather than writing her up or putting her on a personal improvement plan, you simply tell her such mistakes are out of character. "You're a careful and diligent person. Is anything going on?"

These types of responses reinforce the positives about who they are. In doing so, you're offering them a much healthier environment in which they can grow. The result is that they try to live up to that expectation and find their true path.

This is the reason I believe this approach is a much better gift than constructive feedback. I think this could have prevented instances where we raise kids who become resistant to receiving feedback as adults. It can also help in work situations where the people you lead see you as an insatiable taskmaster.

I wish I had thought of this many years ago. I didn't then, but I do now. So do you.

And it's never too late to course correct and begin to dish out this better gift.

A Gift Worth Receiving

I've come to discover that it's very easy for us to show love and kindness to people who appear to us to be kind and loving. I’ll concede that this is by no means an earth-shattering discovery. You most likely have noticed this tendency with yourself and others.

I surely have.

Attributes such as love, kindness, and compassion tend to be reciprocal. When you receive love from someone, you tend to love them back. When someone respects you, you reflect that respect back to them. When someone acts towards you with humility, you want to reciprocate.

Even more, these attributes also tend to be transmissible from the recipient to a different person. When you receive kindness from someone, you tend to be kind toward other people. That's one of the reasons paying it forward at drive-throughs could go on for very long times.

Some of us would even go further and show kindness to others who have been neither kind nor unkind to us - those whose behaviors you consider neutral. Of course, the neutrality of such behaviors can only be determined by the person on the receiving end of that behavior. What one person deems neutral could come across to another as a positive experience, and yet by another as negative.

But my focus is neither on these neutral behaviors nor is it on those who show us kindness. I want to hone in on a different group - the ones we perceive as unkind.

How do we typically respond to these people? In most cases, we pay them back in kind (well, more like in unkindness). In other situations, we avoid them. I know these are my natural tendencies and I've observed the same in others too.

Of these two, because being unkind to people generally comes across as - to put it mildly - not good, I've found myself avoiding people who have been unkind or unpleasant to me. I tended to behave similarly towards people whose behaviors I didn't understand. If I didn't have to be around them, I would gladly avoid them.

However, I've since realized that when I did this, I didn't learn and I didn't grow. I missed out on the opportunities afforded me to learn from them because of that what I saw as their unkind behavior or approach.

It's natural for many of us to want or seek validation. We want to be around those who see the best in us and give us words of affirmation each time we encounter them. When done appropriately in the right context, this can be good for your self-esteem. But there's danger in it.

The danger of complacency and stagnation.

Whether we like to hear it or not, the truth is that no one is perfect and we all have areas of opportunity to be better. But when we avoid those in our lives whose behaviors tend to point out where our learning opportunities lie, we miss out on those moments to learn and grow.

So, who is it that you don't understand? From whom have you been keeping your distance because they tend to highlight where your growth opportunities are? Or maybe you avoid them because they're just plain rude or mean.

There are times when you may even realize that what these people are telling you is the truth. Maybe you already know that's an area you need to grow. You just don't like the idea of them (or anyone) pointing it out. It hits you hard, so you get defensive.

In our ego, we reject the truth of what they're saying because it's an indictment of us. We reject the message just because we don't like the messenger and maybe their manner of delivery. Sometimes, we even reject a new message that's both useful and delivered well because of our nasty experiences with previous deliveries.

I've noticed this with adult children whose parents are still around. After becoming independent individuals who feel they've finally been liberated from the shackles of their parent's control, they react negatively to most, and sometimes, any constructive feedback from their parents. They just don’t want to hear it.

What they fail to realize is that these are the people who most likely love them the most (having known them their entire lives), and who want the best for them.

Whether it comes from parents, mentors, or well-meaning friends, we must learn to appreciate feedback for what it truly is - a gift. I think it's a gift that is worth receiving irrespective of how we feel about the source or the delivery channel.

So, the next time any of these people (who you know truly have your back) share something that they think will help, listen with humility, and don't allow your earlier perceptions of them to discolor your receptiveness.

You could be missing out on a valuable gift otherwise.

Persistent Feedback

Scott was part of a small team of six in a large organization with multiple locations around the globe. His job required a lot of collaboration with other members of the team. But no one on the team was thrilled with the prospect of engaging Scott.

The main reason for this was not far-fetched.

He was always abrupt in his dealings with other members of the team. The way he said things, his facial expressions, and his overall abrasive approach seemed to rub everyone the wrong way. But he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, he was just being himself.

The team leader, Wayne was aware of the impact of Scott's behavior on the team's performance and had tried to address it. Within the past several months, he had told Scott twice that he needed to improve his social skills as he interacted with others on the team. It took some convincing, but Scott eventually agreed to the assessment and promised to improve.

But then, nothing changed. Almost a year later, Wayne could no longer tolerate the situation and decided to show Scott the door.

Scott couldn't believe it!

After the two times that Wayne had told him to clean up his behavior, he had tried to turn a new leaf. In fact, he actually thought he was getting better. Now, this?!

On leaving Wayne's office after being fired, Scott immediately called his attorney. He's going to sue the company for wrongful termination!

What's your assessment of this situation? Who do you think dropped the ball here? Most of us would most likely say that Scott was responsible for his ultimate fate.

But I would argue that Wayne was more culpable.

Yes, it was clear that Scott had issues that needed to be addressed. And yes, he agreed to do better on the two occasions Wayne had discussed the situation with him. So, why do I say that Wayne has more blame in this situation?

I say that because the two instances he brought up the situation with Scott over a six-month period were not enough. Wayne would be the first to tell you that he's not a "confronter." He tries to avoid uncomfortable discussions with his team members. And those two discussions he had with Scott were very uncomfortable for him.

Most organizations have many leaders like Wayne. They steer clear of tough conversations. Even when they summon the courage to engage in such a dialogue, these are very few and far between. In doing so, they miss a vital part of their team members' developmental process: a constant, regular, and persistent reminder to the employee if they are not doing what is needed.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. This can be excruciating!

I doubt if any leader enjoys the thought of reminding a team member for the tenth week in a row that they're still not doing enough of what they had agreed to. It seems like nagging. For many leaders, it's awkward and unpleasant. Yet, this is what is needed for behaviors to change.

Human behaviors do not change overnight, especially ones that had become well-honed habits. Even someone who has realized that they need change with a particular behavior may not have the willpower to effect the change on their own. A lot of support is usually needed, especially during the first few weeks as the new behavior tries to take root.

Scott did not get that level of support. He neither received constant reminders when his old behaviors reared their ugly heads nor encouragements when the new ones were displayed. Had he received constant, weekly reminders, he would not have been surprised when Wayne told him he was being let go.

In his book, The Ideal Team Player, Patrick Lencioni said that "when a manager steps up to this challenge, week after week after painful week, one of two things will always happen."

1. The employee will achieve a breakthrough once they decide that they don't want to keep hearing those reminders. With this, they're able to embrace the new behaviors long enough to turn them into habits.

2. They could decide the new behaviors are not for them and decide to leave the team.

Lencioni also noted a third possible outcome: the employee decides to tolerate the constant barrage of reminders and neither changes nor leaves. This can ultimately lead to the employee being fired.

As a leader, you must do your best to ensure that you give your people all the opportunity to change behaviors that have been identified and discussed with them as having negative effects on the team. Failure to do this is tantamount to a dereliction of duty.

One way to avoid this is by giving those constant and regular reminders and reinforcements so the team member knows where they stand. This can be done in a kind, compassionate, but firm approach that should leave no doubt as to what the expectations are.

The key is to remind privately and encourage publicly.

Unlike what many of us may think, reminding someone of an area they can get better is an act of kindness and compassion. We just need the courage and strength of character to follow through.

After all, open rebuke is better than secret love.

Tough to Give and Receive

If I ask how you typically respond to critical feedback, you would most likely say that you take it well. That's until reality smack you in the face. We all know that we need to respond favorably to feedback, but the event itself tends to make us feel belittled. We feel less, so we instinctively fight back to restore our dignity.

And it doesn't matter whether or not the feedback is valid.

In fact, I think our reaction is worse when it's valid. It bruises our ego. Our perceived status is lowered and we feel threatened. We realize that the jig is up. What we've been covering up was now visible for others to see.

When this happens, some of us lash out at the source of the feedback. Others recoil and retreat into a mental fetal position, throwing a pity-party as they ruminate on how they've been victimized. Very few take the feedback in stride and allow it to positively affect them.

Whichever of these postures you take when you're at the receiving end, it helps to remember how difficult it is to provide feedback. No one wants be the bearer of bad news. Yes, there may be some who delight in pointing out where others are wrong. But for most people, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up.

So, if you're in a position to help someone shine light on a blind spot, will you do it? Would you shrivel or be courageous under the weight of the responsibility? Some of us avoid it because we feel doing so would hurt the person being given the feedback or bruise their ego.

Wise King Solomon said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." Yes, the sting of a critical feedback can be painful at the moment it's given. But I think it hurts more when the long-term consequences of what they're doing wrong eventually catches up with them, and you could have helped to prevent that outcome with a timely feedback.

 Other times, we desist because when we've given similar feedback in the past, it has been met with stonewalling, defensiveness or serious backlash. To avoid any of these, we stay away and leave the person to continue on a path that could be destructive to their career and life.

On the other hand, if you're the type who have a tendency to react negatively to the slightest criticism (as many of us are inclined to do), you must know that doing so is a quick way to shutting the door to valuable future feedback which could be important to your success in life. You could be digging your own grave without realizing it.

 What approach should you then take to positively handle critical feedback? I recommend a simple three-step framework.

1. Ask yourself the following questions. What's the main reason this person is telling me this? Are they trying to put me down and belittle me? Or is it because they love me and want to see me do better? Yes, there are people who will deliver a stinging rebuke for the singular purpose of cutting you down a peg or two, but these instances are very rare. You need to determine if this is the case each time you receive critical feedback. Or could it be that this person truly care about me? More often than not, it’s most likely because they care for you. Even if the manner they deliver the feedback can be better, you must look past their delivery to the content. To be honest, no critical feedback is sweet to the palate, no matter how much you sugarcoat it. Thinking about, and answering these questions can help you calm those initial instinctive first negative emotions after receiving a feedback.

2. Take an honest look at the content of the feedback. Is there any truth in it? Can you at least see what they're saying from their vantage point of view? Don't be quick to dismiss the feedback as invalid. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes and consider if you can see the situation from their perspective especially if you consider their background, life experiences and the knowledge they have about the specific situation.

3. Resist responding right away. This is where many of us drop the ball. Sometimes, while the delivery of the feedback is still in progress, we tune off and stop listening because of the whirlwind of negative emotions coursing through our mind. Most of us will vehemently defend ourselves. Some would even start attacking the feedback giver. We may blame them for getting the facts wrong or accuse them of doing the same thing they're "accusing" us of.

   No matter what you think in that moment, it's best to not respond the way you're thinking. Even if you know right away that their assessment is incorrect, it's best to simply thank them for the feedback and tell them you'll think about it. Doing this will help you calm your emotions so you can think clearly through the situation.

Each of the above steps require a very honest assessment. Don't be quick to come up with responses to these questions and jump through them. Think deeply and assess the situation accurately.

Your career and life success most likely depend on it.