No Marbles Lost

As someone who loves precision as much as possible, I’m always intrigued by the level of ambiguity inherent in human communications. It’s even worse now in our world of increasing use of acronyms, jargons, and emojis. What you say or write may not mean what you think it means to the recipient.

While traveling to Italy on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, my daughter wrote a simple message in the family group chat after she boarded her flight to Europe. As a family, this is something each of us typically do while traveling to let all the other family members know the progress of our journey.

Her message simply said, “I’ve boarded. Luckily no one is in the middle.”

It took a while before I saw the message. When I did, I responded with, “Are you in the middle?” By that time, her flight had already departed and she didn’t see my question for several hours until she landed in Europe.

The next day, during our weekly video family meeting, one of her brothers took me to task by asking why I asked if she was in the middle seat when she already said no one was there. Then, they both started laughing at the ridiculousness of my response.

Clearly, their dad had lost his mind!

You’re probably thinking the same thing. Or maybe not.

Before you align yourself with my kids that I’ve lost my marbles, allow me to explain my thinking process, which I later explained to them.

When I read “Luckily no one is in the middle,” my mind did not go to a middle seat since she didn’t include “seat” in her message. As someone with a boatload of international travel experience, who is also very picky about where I seat on such long-haul flights, my mind went somewhere else.

With "middle," I immediately thought of the middle section of the row of seats bounded by the two aisles in a typical jumbo jet used on trans-Atlantic flights. From speaking to her prior to boarding, I knew she was flying in a Boeing-747, a jet with a typical 3-4-3 seat arrangement - a cross section of three seats, an aisle, four seats, another aisle, and three seats.

So, when I saw "middle," I thought she was referring to that middle section of four seats. This is why I asked, "Are you in the middle?" My thought was that if she was in one of those, she could easily lift up the armrests between the four seats and turn them into a bed during her long overnight flight.

That’s where my mind went to because that’s what I typically do on those flights when there are empty seats. In fact, I actively monitor and change my seats on such flights several times on the days leading up to the flight departure. My goal is always to pick seats close enough to a row of empty middle section seats, so I can commandeer and turn them into my bed once the airplane door is closed.

Despite this explanation, my son, who brought this up, insisted I shouldn’t have responded the way I did. He just wanted a good laugh. And they both did!

This hilarious experience reminded me of two important things when we communicate:

1. Being very clear in your messaging so there’s no ambiguity.

2. Even when you think your message is very clear, how it’s interpreted by the recipient may be completely different.

You have no idea in what state the recipient’s state of mind will be when they receive your message. Their state of mind in that moment could steer the meaning of your message into territories you never imagined - territories you may have never imagined.

For this reasons, I try to clear my head of any assumptions I may have about a topic when communicating with others who may not hold similar assumptions. That way, the likelihood of miscommunication is reduced.

Still, it doesn’t completely eliminate it. But I can do my best to remove every possible ambiguity I can think of from the messages I communicate.

So can you.

Who Makes You Better?

If you ask anyone if they want better - be better, do better, or achieve more compared to where they are presently - most people would answer in the affirmative. Wouldn’t you?

I don’t think anyone would eagerly decide that they want to live their life in the backroads of low achievement. No sane person would make such a decision consciously. That’s one of the main reasons many of us work very hard in life.

On arrival on earth, we spend our first few years of life acclimatizing to this planet with the help of our parents or guardians. Then, almost all of us spend the next 12 to 14 years in various stages of schooling. Some of us take that further as we attend college to earn degrees.

What’s more? After we start working, we continue our education and development through all kinds of learning and development activities such as trainings, conferences, and obtaining certifications. We do all these so that we can ensure and guarantee that we have better footings for success in life.

We take all these conscious steps to be better and to achieve more. However, some of our unconscious behaviors tend to take us down paths that are completely opposed to this.

One of those behaviors is turning a blind ear to people who can make us better, which is why I’m asking you the question:

Who makes you better?

I have discovered that one of the greatest treasures in life is having someone who makes you better. They speak the truth in love even when it hurts. They tell you when you’re wrong and humbly helps you get it right. But the typical human ego in us doesn’t want this. It doesn’t like it.

Most of us prefer to hang around only the kinds of people who validate us. While that is good and should be encouraged, you also need a few people in your life who will challenge you with the truth even when it’s uncomfortable.

Your ego may be may bruised in the moment when they point out your blind spots. But knowing what others see and you don’t, makes you better in the long run. This is especially true when you know that they love you and want the best for you.

So, I ask again: Who makes you better? Are you running away from them or towards them?

Other times, we discount the importance of bad experiences. We distance ourselves from the person who can make us better because they may not be manifesting the type of results we’re looking for.

Maybe they’ve made awful and damaging choices in the past and they’re still reeling from the effects. As a result, you don’t think their advice or guidance is valuable to you. That would be a great mistake.

Don’t let their current state in life prevent you from gleaning wisdom from the harsh lessons they have learned. Their past losses could be your future gain if you choose to stay close; if you allow them to make you better.

Once again, I ask: Who makes you better? How are you eagerly and actively learning from their failures so you don’t repeat the same mistakes they made?

Time to Let Go

Apart from the extremely cold temperatures, one sign of winter here in North America is the huge number of leafless trees you see. Yes, there are some evergreens but the majority of trees begin to lose their leaves in the Fall. By the time the frigid temperatures of winter arrive, all of the leaves are gone.

But I know of one tree that’s defying this pattern.

Over the last few years, I’ve started noticing something different about the lone tree in my front yard. It’s holding on to its leaves longer. Yes, the leaves are withered and completely dried up. But they continue to hang on for dear life - even though they are completely lifeless.

The picture you see here shows the tree as it looks at the time this newsletter is going out. We’re smack dab in the middle of February, and it’s still holding on to its leaves.

We’ve already gone through a period of extremely cold negative temperatures - and that’s in degrees Fahrenheit, not Celsius! That means it was insanely cold. Yet the leaves are still hanging on.

I planted the tree more than 10 years ago, so I know it wasn’t always like this.

When it was young, it behaved like the other trees. Its leaves would change color in the Fall and they all fall off before winter officially sets in. But as it gets older, it’s been holding on to those leaves for longer periods. Last year, the leaves didn’t fall off until early Spring when new leaves started to bud.

The tree kept holding on to something that’s dead; to something that’s completely useless. And I’ve noticed something similar with us humans.

Some of us sometimes hold on too long to something that’s dead: something we should have given up on.

Broken electronics. Clothes that don’t fit. Useless gifts we feel obligated to keep. Antiquated ideas. Fruitless vocations.

As bad as these are, there are others things more dangerous to our existence that we hold on to.

Negative thoughts. Irrational beliefs. Grudges. Anger. Unforgiveness. These can do a serious number on the human psyche and the results aren’t pretty.

Persistent negative thoughts result in negative emotions, leading to anxiety and depression. Some irrational beliefs can lower your self confidence and erode self-esteem. Such erosions reduces self worth and kill the motivation to pursue and accomplish goals.

Holding on to grudges and anger for too long will eventually result in physical ailments such as high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. Chronic stress could be the result of harboring unforgiveness.

None of these are worth the trouble.

Check out the list again: Negative thoughts. Irrational beliefs. Grudges. Anger. Unforgiveness, just to name a few. Which of these are you holding on to for too long?

I think it’s time to let them go.

Not My Problem

Patrick knew his brother was headed in the wrong direction. He could see it clearly because he’s been there before. But Max doesn’t seem to know the potential consequences of his actions.

Being the oldest of his siblings, Patrick has embraced the fact that they all look up to him. On a few occasions, they have come to him to ask questions. He has provided them with insight when they don’t want to go to their parents. After all, they’re all adults and in their twenties now. He’s only a few years older and can empathize with some of the things they go through - maybe a little more than their parents.

Patrick thought the manner in which Max spends his money leaves much to be desired.

As a software engineer, Max has a good, well-paying job and he’s doing really well in the organization. In fact, he gets a bonus almost every month, which is rare in most places.

But rather than maintaining a good budget and putting the bonuses towards investments and paying down his $125K in student loans debt, he’s more interested in the finer things in life - expensive dinners, shoes and clothes.

Max also has a new girlfriend. As the older sibling who is now married, Patrick thought his brother is going about the relationship all wrong. This was Max’s first real romantic relationship and Patrick felt he’s in over his head.

As worried as Patrick was for his brother’s future, he was hesitant to interfere. He’s torn between saying nothing in order to preserve their relationship and potentially jeopardizing it by providing a much-needed constructive feedback. He’s at loss with what to do. He deeply loves his brother and doesn’t want to hurt him by telling him what he may not want to hear.

He’s a grown man after all, Patrick thought. He can make his own decisions. Even if he thought his decision-making could be better, they are his to make. If he needed counsel, he knew that he could come to him at any time to ask.

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

You know a much-needed feedback would be helpful to someone but you’re hesitant to deliver it to them simply because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. It’s difficult to be the bearer of news that could be perceived wrongly.

Yes, there may be some people who always delight in pointing out where someone is wrong. But for most of us, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up. Many people avoid it because they feel that doing so would hurt the person or bruise their ego.

It was King Solomon who said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." The sting of a critical feedback can be strong at the moment it’s given. But I think it hurts more when the consequences of what they’re doing wrong eventually catches up with them.

I know there are some of us who shy away from speaking up because doing so had blown up in our faces in the past. As a result, we’ve become overly cautious in speaking truth to power. You may have even taken the posture that it’s not your problem. Let them learn the tough lesson from experience.

But if they’re close enough to you, whatever it is may eventually be your problem.

I want you to imagine how you would feel when you later realize that you could have helped prevent their unwanted outcome with a timely feedback. Imagine the person you care about suffering as a result of preventable actions, only if you had spoken up.

So, what would you do when the situation arises? Will you be able to summon that courage when needed? Or will you shrivel under the weight of the responsibility?

That’s something for each of us to think about this week.

Cherish the Time

Human existence can seem monotonous at times. The daily grind of getting through each day’s tedious and often repetitive activities could be boring. That’s until a pivotal event forces us to rethink and reassess.

My family experienced one such significant event this past week as we learned of the sudden passing of my sister-in-law’s husband. It was such a devastating news that it felt unreal. This type of experience forces you to reevaluate what you consider the important things in life.

As my wife and I spent most of last week with her sister while grieving the loss of her husband, it was heart-warming to see their circle of friends come around her to provide comfort. Every one of those who visited had good things to say about the departed.

Knowing the man, I agree with almost everything they said. Even though he wasn’t perfect (because no one is), he was a compassionate and kind-hearted man who loved his family deeply. As the tributes were pouring in from each person, the irony of the situation stuck me.

People were saying wonderful things about someone who was not there to receive those accolades. We tend to do that, don’t we? I think we do this due to our unspoken expectation that this gesture will provide some comfort for the loved ones left behind.

But when you think it through, how in the world do we expect that paying such homage would alleviate their grief and sufferings? To me, it seems to do the opposite. I think doing this amplifies the loss. Unfortunately, this scenarios plays out very frequently.

You see it at funerals where people give speeches and eulogies espousing how wonderful the person was. Wouldn’t it be more impactful if we say these things to their faces, when they could really appreciate the kind words being said about them?

As I thought of this, I realized that while we cannot do anything about those already gone, we sure can try harder with those who are still here.

So, here’s my challenge to you this week: Reach out to those you hold very dear (personal or professional) and let them know how much you appreciate their influence in your life. Be specific and share with them at least one area of your life they have impacted.

Life is too short for us to waste it on arguments and quarrels. Interestingly enough, this is what we are wont to do with people that are supposed to be the closest to us. This is especially true with parent-child and sibling relationships. These are the strongest relationships we have but they’re also the ones we frequently take for granted.

If your parents are still with you, why not tell them how much you cherish them when you still have the time? Do it from time to time. Quit the approach that they know how much you love them, so you don’t have to say it.

They don’t have to have won “parent of the year” awards, but they gave you life, nurtured you and most likely supported you during your growing years. Many of us would not be where we are today without the support, love, and care of our parents. No matter how high-handed or “controlling” we think they were, it may be good to reflect on what your life would have been without their strong influences, protections, and provisions.

I’m not asking you to give false platitudes and say what you don’t mean. But if you’re going to be saying great things at their eulogy, don’t wait until it’s too late. They may be gone before you get another chance. Give them your gratitude when they can be there to receive and appreciate it.

Siblings are notorious for getting on one another’s nerves. Yet these are the people that most of us have known for most (if not all) of our lives. We grew up with them. The bond we share with our siblings can be one of the strongest ever. Yet, those bods could have become weak due to personal, philosophical, or political differences.

But as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. So, instead of incessantly complaining about their annoying behaviors, why not tell them the positive impact they’ve had in your life? Rather than grumbling about what they’re not doing well, share with them the positive attributes you’ve noticed in them.

None of us know how much time we have left on this planet. Many people leave their homes each morning with a plan to return in the evening, but do not. Without reflection, most of us live under the illusion that we have control over how long we live, especially when we’re still young and active. The honest truth is that we do not. Accidents, heart attacks, and ruptured brain aneurysms (just to name a few) can take lives suddenly.

Let’s cherish the time we have with our loved ones and communicate such to them. This is especially true for those with whom we would live with the regrets of not expressing how we feel when they’re with us.

Living with such regrets can make for a frustrating existence. Don’t let that be your portion.

A Better Gift

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the need for us to be receptive to the gift of constructive feedback. Some respondents wondered about the giver of the feedback. One of the comments came from someone who said that those giving the feedback should also learn to give them with kindness and empathy.

I wholeheartedly agree!

The only problem with this is that you and I have no control over how the giver of the feedback chooses to give it. What we can control is our own receptiveness to it even when the gift comes wrapped inside a prickly cactus.

The situation is different however when WE are the giver of the gift of feedback. As the source of feedback, you definitely want to have self-awareness in the manner you deliver the gift. It should be done with compassion and kindness.

But I'm also aware that doing it this way doesn't guarantee that the recipient will not take offense. No matter how kind and gentle feedback comes, some people would never like it because they would always see it as an indictment of their character.

That's the reason I think there's an even better way.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not saying that this better way is simpler. In fact, I think it's most likely more difficult for some of us, myself included. But it's better because it increases the chances of delivering better results, which is a change in behavior.

What's this better way?

Tell people who they are. Or remind them who they are.

To be sure, this doesn't mean we should no longer give people the gift of constructive feedback. There will be times when that will be needed. But I've discovered that it’s more impactful when such feedback comes sparingly and with many instances of reminding people who they are, sprinkled between each feedback.

So, what do I mean when I say it's better to tell or remind people who they are?

Consider this scenario: your son behaves in a disrespectful manner contrary to what he's been taught. In trying to correct the behavior, most parents would most likely reprimand the child and tell him what should be done next time. I know that would have been my tendency. When this continues repeatedly, the child could become adamant and defensive when most infractions are dealt with this way.

But imagine a situation where instead of a reprimand, the child is told who he is - "You're known to be respectful. What's happening with you?"

Consider another situation where one of your team members at work makes a mistake or drops the ball on an assignment. Rather than writing her up or putting her on a personal improvement plan, you simply tell her such mistakes are out of character. "You're a careful and diligent person. Is anything going on?"

These types of responses reinforce the positives about who they are. In doing so, you're offering them a much healthier environment in which they can grow. The result is that they try to live up to that expectation and find their true path.

This is the reason I believe this approach is a much better gift than constructive feedback. I think this could have prevented instances where we raise kids who become resistant to receiving feedback as adults. It can also help in work situations where the people you lead see you as an insatiable taskmaster.

I wish I had thought of this many years ago. I didn't then, but I do now. So do you.

And it's never too late to course correct and begin to dish out this better gift.

A Gift Worth Receiving

I've come to discover that it's very easy for us to show love and kindness to people who appear to us to be kind and loving. I’ll concede that this is by no means an earth-shattering discovery. You most likely have noticed this tendency with yourself and others.

I surely have.

Attributes such as love, kindness, and compassion tend to be reciprocal. When you receive love from someone, you tend to love them back. When someone respects you, you reflect that respect back to them. When someone acts towards you with humility, you want to reciprocate.

Even more, these attributes also tend to be transmissible from the recipient to a different person. When you receive kindness from someone, you tend to be kind toward other people. That's one of the reasons paying it forward at drive-throughs could go on for very long times.

Some of us would even go further and show kindness to others who have been neither kind nor unkind to us - those whose behaviors you consider neutral. Of course, the neutrality of such behaviors can only be determined by the person on the receiving end of that behavior. What one person deems neutral could come across to another as a positive experience, and yet by another as negative.

But my focus is neither on these neutral behaviors nor is it on those who show us kindness. I want to hone in on a different group - the ones we perceive as unkind.

How do we typically respond to these people? In most cases, we pay them back in kind (well, more like in unkindness). In other situations, we avoid them. I know these are my natural tendencies and I've observed the same in others too.

Of these two, because being unkind to people generally comes across as - to put it mildly - not good, I've found myself avoiding people who have been unkind or unpleasant to me. I tended to behave similarly towards people whose behaviors I didn't understand. If I didn't have to be around them, I would gladly avoid them.

However, I've since realized that when I did this, I didn't learn and I didn't grow. I missed out on the opportunities afforded me to learn from them because of that what I saw as their unkind behavior or approach.

It's natural for many of us to want or seek validation. We want to be around those who see the best in us and give us words of affirmation each time we encounter them. When done appropriately in the right context, this can be good for your self-esteem. But there's danger in it.

The danger of complacency and stagnation.

Whether we like to hear it or not, the truth is that no one is perfect and we all have areas of opportunity to be better. But when we avoid those in our lives whose behaviors tend to point out where our learning opportunities lie, we miss out on those moments to learn and grow.

So, who is it that you don't understand? From whom have you been keeping your distance because they tend to highlight where your growth opportunities are? Or maybe you avoid them because they're just plain rude or mean.

There are times when you may even realize that what these people are telling you is the truth. Maybe you already know that's an area you need to grow. You just don't like the idea of them (or anyone) pointing it out. It hits you hard, so you get defensive.

In our ego, we reject the truth of what they're saying because it's an indictment of us. We reject the message just because we don't like the messenger and maybe their manner of delivery. Sometimes, we even reject a new message that's both useful and delivered well because of our nasty experiences with previous deliveries.

I've noticed this with adult children whose parents are still around. After becoming independent individuals who feel they've finally been liberated from the shackles of their parent's control, they react negatively to most, and sometimes, any constructive feedback from their parents. They just don’t want to hear it.

What they fail to realize is that these are the people who most likely love them the most (having known them their entire lives), and who want the best for them.

Whether it comes from parents, mentors, or well-meaning friends, we must learn to appreciate feedback for what it truly is - a gift. I think it's a gift that is worth receiving irrespective of how we feel about the source or the delivery channel.

So, the next time any of these people (who you know truly have your back) share something that they think will help, listen with humility, and don't allow your earlier perceptions of them to discolor your receptiveness.

You could be missing out on a valuable gift otherwise.