A Better Gift

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the need for us to be receptive to the gift of constructive feedback. Some respondents wondered about the giver of the feedback. One of the comments came from someone who said that those giving the feedback should also learn to give them with kindness and empathy.

I wholeheartedly agree!

The only problem with this is that you and I have no control over how the giver of the feedback chooses to give it. What we can control is our own receptiveness to it even when the gift comes wrapped inside a prickly cactus.

The situation is different however when WE are the giver of the gift of feedback. As the source of feedback, you definitely want to have self-awareness in the manner you deliver the gift. It should be done with compassion and kindness.

But I'm also aware that doing it this way doesn't guarantee that the recipient will not take offense. No matter how kind and gentle feedback comes, some people would never like it because they would always see it as an indictment of their character.

That's the reason I think there's an even better way.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not saying that this better way is simpler. In fact, I think it's most likely more difficult for some of us, myself included. But it's better because it increases the chances of delivering better results, which is a change in behavior.

What's this better way?

Tell people who they are. Or remind them who they are.

To be sure, this doesn't mean we should no longer give people the gift of constructive feedback. There will be times when that will be needed. But I've discovered that it’s more impactful when such feedback comes sparingly and with many instances of reminding people who they are, sprinkled between each feedback.

So, what do I mean when I say it's better to tell or remind people who they are?

Consider this scenario: your son behaves in a disrespectful manner contrary to what he's been taught. In trying to correct the behavior, most parents would most likely reprimand the child and tell him what should be done next time. I know that would have been my tendency. When this continues repeatedly, the child could become adamant and defensive when most infractions are dealt with this way.

But imagine a situation where instead of a reprimand, the child is told who he is - "You're known to be respectful. What's happening with you?"

Consider another situation where one of your team members at work makes a mistake or drops the ball on an assignment. Rather than writing her up or putting her on a personal improvement plan, you simply tell her such mistakes are out of character. "You're a careful and diligent person. Is anything going on?"

These types of responses reinforce the positives about who they are. In doing so, you're offering them a much healthier environment in which they can grow. The result is that they try to live up to that expectation and find their true path.

This is the reason I believe this approach is a much better gift than constructive feedback. I think this could have prevented instances where we raise kids who become resistant to receiving feedback as adults. It can also help in work situations where the people you lead see you as an insatiable taskmaster.

I wish I had thought of this many years ago. I didn't then, but I do now. So do you.

And it's never too late to course correct and begin to dish out this better gift.

A Gift Worth Receiving

I've come to discover that it's very easy for us to show love and kindness to people who appear to us to be kind and loving. I’ll concede that this is by no means an earth-shattering discovery. You most likely have noticed this tendency with yourself and others.

I surely have.

Attributes such as love, kindness, and compassion tend to be reciprocal. When you receive love from someone, you tend to love them back. When someone respects you, you reflect that respect back to them. When someone acts towards you with humility, you want to reciprocate.

Even more, these attributes also tend to be transmissible from the recipient to a different person. When you receive kindness from someone, you tend to be kind toward other people. That's one of the reasons paying it forward at drive-throughs could go on for very long times.

Some of us would even go further and show kindness to others who have been neither kind nor unkind to us - those whose behaviors you consider neutral. Of course, the neutrality of such behaviors can only be determined by the person on the receiving end of that behavior. What one person deems neutral could come across to another as a positive experience, and yet by another as negative.

But my focus is neither on these neutral behaviors nor is it on those who show us kindness. I want to hone in on a different group - the ones we perceive as unkind.

How do we typically respond to these people? In most cases, we pay them back in kind (well, more like in unkindness). In other situations, we avoid them. I know these are my natural tendencies and I've observed the same in others too.

Of these two, because being unkind to people generally comes across as - to put it mildly - not good, I've found myself avoiding people who have been unkind or unpleasant to me. I tended to behave similarly towards people whose behaviors I didn't understand. If I didn't have to be around them, I would gladly avoid them.

However, I've since realized that when I did this, I didn't learn and I didn't grow. I missed out on the opportunities afforded me to learn from them because of that what I saw as their unkind behavior or approach.

It's natural for many of us to want or seek validation. We want to be around those who see the best in us and give us words of affirmation each time we encounter them. When done appropriately in the right context, this can be good for your self-esteem. But there's danger in it.

The danger of complacency and stagnation.

Whether we like to hear it or not, the truth is that no one is perfect and we all have areas of opportunity to be better. But when we avoid those in our lives whose behaviors tend to point out where our learning opportunities lie, we miss out on those moments to learn and grow.

So, who is it that you don't understand? From whom have you been keeping your distance because they tend to highlight where your growth opportunities are? Or maybe you avoid them because they're just plain rude or mean.

There are times when you may even realize that what these people are telling you is the truth. Maybe you already know that's an area you need to grow. You just don't like the idea of them (or anyone) pointing it out. It hits you hard, so you get defensive.

In our ego, we reject the truth of what they're saying because it's an indictment of us. We reject the message just because we don't like the messenger and maybe their manner of delivery. Sometimes, we even reject a new message that's both useful and delivered well because of our nasty experiences with previous deliveries.

I've noticed this with adult children whose parents are still around. After becoming independent individuals who feel they've finally been liberated from the shackles of their parent's control, they react negatively to most, and sometimes, any constructive feedback from their parents. They just don’t want to hear it.

What they fail to realize is that these are the people who most likely love them the most (having known them their entire lives), and who want the best for them.

Whether it comes from parents, mentors, or well-meaning friends, we must learn to appreciate feedback for what it truly is - a gift. I think it's a gift that is worth receiving irrespective of how we feel about the source or the delivery channel.

So, the next time any of these people (who you know truly have your back) share something that they think will help, listen with humility, and don't allow your earlier perceptions of them to discolor your receptiveness.

You could be missing out on a valuable gift otherwise.