No Marbles Lost

As someone who loves precision as much as possible, I’m always intrigued by the level of ambiguity inherent in human communications. It’s even worse now in our world of increasing use of acronyms, jargons, and emojis. What you say or write may not mean what you think it means to the recipient.

While traveling to Italy on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, my daughter wrote a simple message in the family group chat after she boarded her flight to Europe. As a family, this is something each of us typically do while traveling to let all the other family members know the progress of our journey.

Her message simply said, “I’ve boarded. Luckily no one is in the middle.”

It took a while before I saw the message. When I did, I responded with, “Are you in the middle?” By that time, her flight had already departed and she didn’t see my question for several hours until she landed in Europe.

The next day, during our weekly video family meeting, one of her brothers took me to task by asking why I asked if she was in the middle seat when she already said no one was there. Then, they both started laughing at the ridiculousness of my response.

Clearly, their dad had lost his mind!

You’re probably thinking the same thing. Or maybe not.

Before you align yourself with my kids that I’ve lost my marbles, allow me to explain my thinking process, which I later explained to them.

When I read “Luckily no one is in the middle,” my mind did not go to a middle seat since she didn’t include “seat” in her message. As someone with a boatload of international travel experience, who is also very picky about where I seat on such long-haul flights, my mind went somewhere else.

With "middle," I immediately thought of the middle section of the row of seats bounded by the two aisles in a typical jumbo jet used on trans-Atlantic flights. From speaking to her prior to boarding, I knew she was flying in a Boeing-747, a jet with a typical 3-4-3 seat arrangement - a cross section of three seats, an aisle, four seats, another aisle, and three seats.

So, when I saw "middle," I thought she was referring to that middle section of four seats. This is why I asked, "Are you in the middle?" My thought was that if she was in one of those, she could easily lift up the armrests between the four seats and turn them into a bed during her long overnight flight.

That’s where my mind went to because that’s what I typically do on those flights when there are empty seats. In fact, I actively monitor and change my seats on such flights several times on the days leading up to the flight departure. My goal is always to pick seats close enough to a row of empty middle section seats, so I can commandeer and turn them into my bed once the airplane door is closed.

Despite this explanation, my son, who brought this up, insisted I shouldn’t have responded the way I did. He just wanted a good laugh. And they both did!

This hilarious experience reminded me of two important things when we communicate:

1. Being very clear in your messaging so there’s no ambiguity.

2. Even when you think your message is very clear, how it’s interpreted by the recipient may be completely different.

You have no idea in what state the recipient’s state of mind will be when they receive your message. Their state of mind in that moment could steer the meaning of your message into territories you never imagined - territories you may have never imagined.

For this reasons, I try to clear my head of any assumptions I may have about a topic when communicating with others who may not hold similar assumptions. That way, the likelihood of miscommunication is reduced.

Still, it doesn’t completely eliminate it. But I can do my best to remove every possible ambiguity I can think of from the messages I communicate.

So can you.

Cherish the Time

Human existence can seem monotonous at times. The daily grind of getting through each day’s tedious and often repetitive activities could be boring. That’s until a pivotal event forces us to rethink and reassess.

My family experienced one such significant event this past week as we learned of the sudden passing of my sister-in-law’s husband. It was such a devastating news that it felt unreal. This type of experience forces you to reevaluate what you consider the important things in life.

As my wife and I spent most of last week with her sister while grieving the loss of her husband, it was heart-warming to see their circle of friends come around her to provide comfort. Every one of those who visited had good things to say about the departed.

Knowing the man, I agree with almost everything they said. Even though he wasn’t perfect (because no one is), he was a compassionate and kind-hearted man who loved his family deeply. As the tributes were pouring in from each person, the irony of the situation stuck me.

People were saying wonderful things about someone who was not there to receive those accolades. We tend to do that, don’t we? I think we do this due to our unspoken expectation that this gesture will provide some comfort for the loved ones left behind.

But when you think it through, how in the world do we expect that paying such homage would alleviate their grief and sufferings? To me, it seems to do the opposite. I think doing this amplifies the loss. Unfortunately, this scenarios plays out very frequently.

You see it at funerals where people give speeches and eulogies espousing how wonderful the person was. Wouldn’t it be more impactful if we say these things to their faces, when they could really appreciate the kind words being said about them?

As I thought of this, I realized that while we cannot do anything about those already gone, we sure can try harder with those who are still here.

So, here’s my challenge to you this week: Reach out to those you hold very dear (personal or professional) and let them know how much you appreciate their influence in your life. Be specific and share with them at least one area of your life they have impacted.

Life is too short for us to waste it on arguments and quarrels. Interestingly enough, this is what we are wont to do with people that are supposed to be the closest to us. This is especially true with parent-child and sibling relationships. These are the strongest relationships we have but they’re also the ones we frequently take for granted.

If your parents are still with you, why not tell them how much you cherish them when you still have the time? Do it from time to time. Quit the approach that they know how much you love them, so you don’t have to say it.

They don’t have to have won “parent of the year” awards, but they gave you life, nurtured you and most likely supported you during your growing years. Many of us would not be where we are today without the support, love, and care of our parents. No matter how high-handed or “controlling” we think they were, it may be good to reflect on what your life would have been without their strong influences, protections, and provisions.

I’m not asking you to give false platitudes and say what you don’t mean. But if you’re going to be saying great things at their eulogy, don’t wait until it’s too late. They may be gone before you get another chance. Give them your gratitude when they can be there to receive and appreciate it.

Siblings are notorious for getting on one another’s nerves. Yet these are the people that most of us have known for most (if not all) of our lives. We grew up with them. The bond we share with our siblings can be one of the strongest ever. Yet, those bods could have become weak due to personal, philosophical, or political differences.

But as the saying goes, blood is thicker than water. So, instead of incessantly complaining about their annoying behaviors, why not tell them the positive impact they’ve had in your life? Rather than grumbling about what they’re not doing well, share with them the positive attributes you’ve noticed in them.

None of us know how much time we have left on this planet. Many people leave their homes each morning with a plan to return in the evening, but do not. Without reflection, most of us live under the illusion that we have control over how long we live, especially when we’re still young and active. The honest truth is that we do not. Accidents, heart attacks, and ruptured brain aneurysms (just to name a few) can take lives suddenly.

Let’s cherish the time we have with our loved ones and communicate such to them. This is especially true for those with whom we would live with the regrets of not expressing how we feel when they’re with us.

Living with such regrets can make for a frustrating existence. Don’t let that be your portion.

Can Others Count on You?

Photo by Ashim D’Silva on Unsplash

Are you dependable? Can others count on you to follow through and deliver on what you promise?

A few months ago, I was asked by two people to meet them somewhere on a particular day and at a specific time, in order to help them with something. Even though I told them that my schedule was full around that time, I promised them I would be there.

When the day came, I was there at the time we agreed, but they were not. I thought they may just be running late, but after waiting for about 15 minutes, I left. As I was leaving, I still had hope that they may show up later, so I left behind a few instructions for them.

Guess what? They never showed up! Neither did they attempt to reach out to me to explain why. It wasn’t until the next day, after I contacted one of them to find out why they didn’t show up, that I got a response that was nothing more than a flimsy excuse.

Yes, we all sometimes have situations that sneak up on us, preventing us from doing what we said we would do. But our reasons for not following through becomes excuses when this becomes habitual. For one of those people I was supposed to meet, that was the case. I could point to several instances within a few months that they have not lived up to their promise. When the latest situation unfolded, I finally made up my mind that this was not someone I could rely on anything they tell me.

So, what about you?

Can you be counted upon? Do you keep your word?

Do you deliver on your promises no matter what? Or do you only follow through when it’s convenient? Do you keep them even when it’s difficult, just because keeping your commitments is important to you?

When we don’t follow through on what we say we’d do, what we’re saying is that people cannot depend on us. It also says that we don’t care about others and their time, especially when the promise involves a time commitment on the part of the other people. Essentially, we’re telling them they can’t trust us.

If this describes you, why don’t you begin to make an effort starting today?

You can start by ensuring that you don’t quickly commit, especially if you know delivering may be difficult. This requires that you take some time to think of your ability to deliver before making the commitment.

Also, if you’re the type that just forgets, put it on your schedule the very moment you make the commitment. Set up the reminder early enough so that it doesn’t creep up on you suddenly. And if something happens that will prevent you from honoring that commitment, reach out immediately to those counting on you BEFORE it’s due. Let them know what happened and renegotiate the deadline.

As you do this, you’d begin to see people trust you more, and your influence will start to grow.

Do you have an experience where people did not follow through on their commitment to you? What happened? How did you feel? Please share your story in the comments section below.