If I ask how you typically respond to critical feedback, you would most likely say that you take it well. That's until reality smack you in the face. We all know that we need to respond favorably to feedback, but the event itself tends to make us feel belittled. We feel less, so we instinctively fight back to restore our dignity.
And it doesn't matter whether or not the feedback is valid.
In fact, I think our reaction is worse when it's valid. It bruises our ego. Our perceived status is lowered and we feel threatened. We realize that the jig is up. What we've been covering up was now visible for others to see.
When this happens, some of us lash out at the source of the feedback. Others recoil and retreat into a mental fetal position, throwing a pity-party as they ruminate on how they've been victimized. Very few take the feedback in stride and allow it to positively affect them.
Whichever of these postures you take when you're at the receiving end, it helps to remember how difficult it is to provide feedback. No one wants be the bearer of bad news. Yes, there may be some who delight in pointing out where others are wrong. But for most people, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up.
So, if you're in a position to help someone shine light on a blind spot, will you do it? Would you shrivel or be courageous under the weight of the responsibility? Some of us avoid it because we feel doing so would hurt the person being given the feedback or bruise their ego.
Wise King Solomon said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." Yes, the sting of a critical feedback can be painful at the moment it's given. But I think it hurts more when the long-term consequences of what they're doing wrong eventually catches up with them, and you could have helped to prevent that outcome with a timely feedback.
Other times, we desist because when we've given similar feedback in the past, it has been met with stonewalling, defensiveness or serious backlash. To avoid any of these, we stay away and leave the person to continue on a path that could be destructive to their career and life.
On the other hand, if you're the type who have a tendency to react negatively to the slightest criticism (as many of us are inclined to do), you must know that doing so is a quick way to shutting the door to valuable future feedback which could be important to your success in life. You could be digging your own grave without realizing it.
What approach should you then take to positively handle critical feedback? I recommend a simple three-step framework.
Ask yourself the following questions. What's the main reason this person is telling me this? Are they trying to put me down and belittle me? Or is it because they love me and want to see me do better? Yes, there are people who will deliver a stinging rebuke for the singular purpose of cutting you down a peg or two, but these instances are very rare. You need to determine if this is the case each time you receive critical feedback. Or could it be that this person truly care about me? More often than not, it’s most likely because they care for you. Even if the manner they deliver the feedback can be better, you must look past their delivery to the content. To be honest, no critical feedback is sweet to the palate, no matter how much you sugarcoat it. Thinking about, and answering these questions can help you calm those initial instinctive first negative emotions after receiving a feedback.
Take an honest look at the content of the feedback. Is there any truth in it? Can you at least see what they're saying from their vantage point of view? Don't be quick to dismiss the feedback as invalid. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes and consider if you can see the situation from their perspective especially if you consider their background, life experiences and the knowledge they have about the specific situation.
Resist responding right away. This is where many of us drop the ball. Sometimes, while the delivery of the feedback is still in progress, we tune off and stop listening because of the whirlwind of negative emotions coursing through our mind. Most of us will vehemently defend ourselves. Some would even start attacking the feedback giver. We may blame them for getting the facts wrong or accuse them of doing the same thing they're "accusing" us of.
No matter what you think in that moment, it's best to not respond the way you're thinking. Even if you know right away that their assessment is incorrect, it's best to simply thank them for the feedback and tell them you'll think about it. Doing this will help you calm your emotions so you can think clearly through the situation.
Each of the above steps require a very honest assessment. Don't be quick to come up with responses to these questions and jump through them. Think deeply and assess the situation accurately.
Your career and life success most likely depend on it.