Hatred from Unexpected Places

It was another couple of dark days in the United States over the weekend. On Saturday, a gunman killed 11 people at a ballroom dance studio in Monterey Park, California during Lunar New Year celebrations. He also reportedly tried to target a second dance hall but failed.

Early yesterday (Sunday) morning, there was another mass shooting at a nightclub in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in which a dozen people were injured. As I’m writing this, one of the victims is in critical condition.

There were two more shootings on Sunday in Shreveport, Louisiana and Robinsonville, Mississippi. Both of these added another dozen to the list of those injured from mass shootings.

Mass shootings in America have become so routine that their shock values continue to decrease exponentially. That’s a scary thing to contemplate but it seems we may be becoming numb to these tragedies.

According to the website, Gun Violence Archive (https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/), there have been 36 mass shootings and 5 mass murders resulting in more than 1,140 deaths this year alone. And we're only three weeks into the year!

Twenty-one of the dead are children under the age of twelve and 95 of them are teenagers. More than 250 in these age groups have been injured, many of them maimed for life.

That's as unbelievable as it is disheartening.

The shooting in Monterey Park and the resulting manhunt for the shooter sent a big shockwave of fear through Asian American communities in the Los Angeles area. The incident also cast a dark shadow over Chinese New Year festivities around the country, so much so that other cities sent extra officers to watch over their celebrations.

Due to an uptick in hate crimes against Asian minorities since the pandemic, and the fact that this latest incident targeted a dance studio filled with people celebrating the Lunar New Year, one’s immediate thought would be that this is another Asian hate incident.

But is it?

The suspect, later identified as a 72-year-old adult Asian man was found dead with self-inflicted gun wounds the following morning less than 30 miles away in Torrance, California. He was driving a van that matched eyewitness descriptions and shot himself when the vehicle was stopped and before police officers could approach.

Many are wondering why an Asian man would target other Asians in a community filled with Asian Americans. Did he have a mental illness? Could this be linked to some kind of domestic abuse? Your guess is as good as mine as authorities continue to look into positive motives.

Two law enforcement sources said the suspect recently showed up at a police station saying his family was trying to poison him. So, this could easily be a family dispute gone awry. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, what this proves to me is the depravity of the human mind.

We usually think of hatred in situations where there are obvious differences between perpetrators and victims. But sometimes, the reasons may not be that deep. After all, some have killed their own family members or other loved ones in sudden moments of uncontrollable anger, and that may be the situation here.

They may not have meant to, but they did. And that's a cautionary tale for you and me. If we have the tendency to get angry easily and we don’t have the impulse control skills to reign in the anger or channel it appropriately, the consequences can be disastrous.

You may say that’s not you. You could be thinking that even though you have anger problems, you would never resort to such a level of violence. Well, I doubt if any of those who have succumbed to their fits of anger thought a particular situation would turn them into murderers.

And yet, here we are.

So, are you easily angered or annoyed? Do you tend to take out your frustrations on others? If that’s you, I think you should consider working with a professional to find safe outlets for your anger and frustrations. Please do it before it’s too late.

You could be saving lives in the process.

Regaining Control

I still remember when having a Blackberry phone was a thing. This was way before iPhone heralded the age of smartphones. The Blackberry was the iPhone of the early to mid-2000s.

The company I was working for at the time decided that every manager’s flip phone would be replaced with a Blackberry. With that, we could suddenly receive work emails on our phones. This was the first time emails became accessible to the general public through a mobile handheld device.

How exciting!

Yeah, I know many people today may not be able to understand how important and exciting this was. After all, we now carry around in our palms and pockets computing power that is ten times what was available then. But to those of us who had the privilege of getting the Blackberry at that time, it was a big deal.

Suddenly, we could get work emails without having to log on to a computer. We could even get work emails after we return home from work without having to whip out our laptops! As a project manager leading teams that were dispersed around the globe at the time, it gave me the opportunity to stay connected with my teams who were halfway across the world.

With an 11½-hour time zone difference, the problem was that their days were beginning just as mine was ending. If I get an email at 9:30 pm requiring a response from a team member in India whose day was just starting, I wasn’t the kind of person who would sleep on the information and wait to respond the next day. The result? I would work late into the wee hours of the night from home.

This continued for about two years until I realized this practice was neither sustainable nor good for my sanity. So, I decided it was time to cut the cord. I knew the only way this could happen was for me to not see those late-arriving email requests. But I had a Blackberry, and I was notified each time a new email arrived. The only solution was not to see the notifications.

And that’s what I did.

Once I returned home from work, I would unclip the Blackberry from my belt, turn it off and throw it into my nightstand drawer. There it would stay until I was ready to leave for work the next morning.

In June 2007, the iPhone became the thing. It revolutionized our interactions with mobile devices. Fifteen years later, we now have different shapes and sizes of smartphones that control our lives. We're addicted. We've got apps we suddenly think we can’t live without.

But what if we can?

Just imagine being without your smartphone. Perish the thought, you say! Many will start having withdrawal symptoms. It’s almost as if a part of the body is missing.

Still, just imagine being without your smartphone. Well, maybe not completely. What about getting rid of the apps that you can truly live without? How much time per day will you regain if you mute or disable some of the notifications, even for the apps you need? Instead of those pings constantly interrupting and disrupting your day, you decide when the interruptions would happen. You plan for them.

That's the reason I have most of the notifications on my smartphone disabled with the exception of text messages and phone calls. I check all other apps when I decide to check them.

Several months ago, one of my sons jokingly asked why I have a smartphone if I don’t get notifications. Well, I did it because I remembered when the Blackberry was a leach that was controlling my life. I decided nothing of its ilk would ever do that to me again.

As we prepare for the new year, it may be a good idea for you to consider how to regain control of your life from the smartphone. I think your sanity and peace of mind will thank you greatly.

Playing the Victim

About 10 days ago, Elon Musk’s turbulent acquisition of Twitter was finalized. Less than a week later, he fired about half of the company’s employees.

Methinks this is just the beginning of a long saga involving the bluebird.

Musk said there has been a “massive drop in revenue” after several companies, including General Mills, Unilever, United Airlines, American Express, Ford, Forbes, Pfizer, and Volkswagen (along with its automotive brands - Audi, Lamborghini, Bentley, and Porsche) among many others, pulled back on their Twitter ads due to concerns over content moderation. He blamed the drop on pressure from activists.

As I watched this situation unfold, I couldn’t help but see where a couple of key emotional intelligence skills would have made a difference. Here are some of the things I’ve noticed so far:

Firstly, it seemed to me that the acquisition itself was not properly thought through. How else would you classify saying you would acquire a company for US$44 billion (which many considered an overpayment) and then tried to back away from it?

No proper due diligence was done. Musk spoke and acted before thinking through what the ramifications were. This showed a lack of Impulse Control. He probably didn’t count on Twitter suing him when he tried back away from his offer. The result? Being forced to go ahead with an acquisition he probably didn’t really want. That’s the consequence of the first shot he aimed at his own foot.

In addition, I think many of his own pronouncements before and during the acquisition most likely spooked many of the company’s advertisers. For a platform that has for years struggled with how to balance free speech with misinformation and hate speech, I would have thought saying that you want to open it up to voices that you think have been suppressed could strike terror into advertisers who are concerned that their ads could appear alongside problematic content. So, it should have come as no surprise that they may take their ad spending elsewhere. But it seems he didn’t see that coming.

The same Impulse Control skill could be seen in very short supply when Musk unilaterally decided to fire about 3,700 employees less than a week after the acquisition was finalized. Of course, he could do whatever he wanted since he’s now the sole owner. Layoffs are unfortunately common these days but great organizations know that when needed, they should be done with copious amounts of planning, care, compassion, and respect for every person impacted.

None of these seem to have played a role here. Almost immediately after the layoffs started, there were reports of a class-action lawsuit being filed by current and former employees saying the company did not give sufficient notice of the layoff under state and federal laws.

What about the effects of the layoffs on those left behind? I can't help but imagine the level of fear that is now permeating the entire organization. Psychological safety is most likely gone. Many would be wondering if they are next and would definitely start looking for opportunities elsewhere. Their focus would now be divided and employee engagement will fall. Innovation will suffer as no one will be willing to promote fresh ideas or challenge proposals. The company could become a caricature of its former self.

Even more telling are unconfirmed news reports (as of this writing) that just after about three days of the layoffs, Twitter started asking some of the employees to return. One report said that “management at Twitter has come to the realization it either let some workers off by accident or without realizing their experience was essential to building the features Elon Musk wants to bring to the platform.”

I would have thought that a businessman and corporate leader of Musk’s caliber would understand the effect that such a hastily-concocted layoff will have on the quality of the company’s products and the morale of those who remain. But hey, what do I know?!

Another skill I see lacking in this who saga is Self-Awareness. Instead of seeing where his own actions and missteps have contributed to the huge losses in revenue, Musk is blaming others (“activists”) for his woes. Rather than looking inward to consider how he had contributed to the predicament, he’s seeing himself as a victim and embracing an external locus of control.

The activists on the other hand say “Elon’s ‘hellscape’ is already here.” They claim that he’s bringing the revenue losses on himself because his actions aren't matching his words and advertisers can see that for themselves. I agree with their assessment. Maybe that makes me an “activist” too! Of course, your actions are unlikely to match your words when you tend to speak and act without thinking through the repercussions - especially if you do so on a public platform with hundreds of millions listening to you.

I can point to a couple more, but it's not my intention to belabor the point. My intention is to show how a deficiency in any emotional intelligence skill can be costly for a leader. Lacking in just a few of the skills can be deadly. It would be interesting to see how this Twitter saga eventually plays out. I think it will be a wild ride for everyone involved.

While you and I can dissect Elon Musk all day because his words and actions are on display for all to see, what’s even more important is how the lack of these same skills is affecting our own life and career successes.

Do you look inwards when things don't go as you expect or is it always someone else’s fault?

Have you taken stock of how not being able to control your impulses could be delaying or derailing your success?

If you haven't, this may be a good time to do so. And reach out for help before it becomes too late.

Tough to Give and Receive

If I ask how you typically respond to critical feedback, you would most likely say that you take it well. That's until reality smack you in the face. We all know that we need to respond favorably to feedback, but the event itself tends to make us feel belittled. We feel less, so we instinctively fight back to restore our dignity.

And it doesn't matter whether or not the feedback is valid.

In fact, I think our reaction is worse when it's valid. It bruises our ego. Our perceived status is lowered and we feel threatened. We realize that the jig is up. What we've been covering up was now visible for others to see.

When this happens, some of us lash out at the source of the feedback. Others recoil and retreat into a mental fetal position, throwing a pity-party as they ruminate on how they've been victimized. Very few take the feedback in stride and allow it to positively affect them.

Whichever of these postures you take when you're at the receiving end, it helps to remember how difficult it is to provide feedback. No one wants be the bearer of bad news. Yes, there may be some who delight in pointing out where others are wrong. But for most people, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up.

So, if you're in a position to help someone shine light on a blind spot, will you do it? Would you shrivel or be courageous under the weight of the responsibility? Some of us avoid it because we feel doing so would hurt the person being given the feedback or bruise their ego.

Wise King Solomon said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." Yes, the sting of a critical feedback can be painful at the moment it's given. But I think it hurts more when the long-term consequences of what they're doing wrong eventually catches up with them, and you could have helped to prevent that outcome with a timely feedback.

 Other times, we desist because when we've given similar feedback in the past, it has been met with stonewalling, defensiveness or serious backlash. To avoid any of these, we stay away and leave the person to continue on a path that could be destructive to their career and life.

On the other hand, if you're the type who have a tendency to react negatively to the slightest criticism (as many of us are inclined to do), you must know that doing so is a quick way to shutting the door to valuable future feedback which could be important to your success in life. You could be digging your own grave without realizing it.

 What approach should you then take to positively handle critical feedback? I recommend a simple three-step framework.

1. Ask yourself the following questions. What's the main reason this person is telling me this? Are they trying to put me down and belittle me? Or is it because they love me and want to see me do better? Yes, there are people who will deliver a stinging rebuke for the singular purpose of cutting you down a peg or two, but these instances are very rare. You need to determine if this is the case each time you receive critical feedback. Or could it be that this person truly care about me? More often than not, it’s most likely because they care for you. Even if the manner they deliver the feedback can be better, you must look past their delivery to the content. To be honest, no critical feedback is sweet to the palate, no matter how much you sugarcoat it. Thinking about, and answering these questions can help you calm those initial instinctive first negative emotions after receiving a feedback.

2. Take an honest look at the content of the feedback. Is there any truth in it? Can you at least see what they're saying from their vantage point of view? Don't be quick to dismiss the feedback as invalid. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes and consider if you can see the situation from their perspective especially if you consider their background, life experiences and the knowledge they have about the specific situation.

3. Resist responding right away. This is where many of us drop the ball. Sometimes, while the delivery of the feedback is still in progress, we tune off and stop listening because of the whirlwind of negative emotions coursing through our mind. Most of us will vehemently defend ourselves. Some would even start attacking the feedback giver. We may blame them for getting the facts wrong or accuse them of doing the same thing they're "accusing" us of.

   No matter what you think in that moment, it's best to not respond the way you're thinking. Even if you know right away that their assessment is incorrect, it's best to simply thank them for the feedback and tell them you'll think about it. Doing this will help you calm your emotions so you can think clearly through the situation.

Each of the above steps require a very honest assessment. Don't be quick to come up with responses to these questions and jump through them. Think deeply and assess the situation accurately.

Your career and life success most likely depend on it.

When Pressure Comes

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! This is your captain speaking. The maintenance crew has done all that they could do, to resolve the issues with the two air-conditioning systems on this aircraft without success. As a result, we're going to have to de-plane for a later departure on a different airplane. Our new departure time will be 4:00 pm. On behalf of Delta Airlines, we sincerely apologize for this situation."

Before this announcement was over, the guy in the seat directly in front of me let out a very loud sigh of exasperation. That expression of his frustration was his fourth since we boarded the flight; and you could say it was probably justified.

The flight from Atlanta to Omaha this past Saturday was originally scheduled to depart at 9:42 am. We had boarded about half an hour before that time and had already been informed thrice that the maintenance team was working on resolving the problem with the air-conditioning systems. Each announcement had been followed by a sigh of irritation by our friend in seat 5C.

From now on, I'll just call him Mike.

That last announcement came around 10:15 am and it contained the unacceptably late new departure time of 4:00 pm. So, it's easy to understand Mike's audible sighs of vexation. Maybe he was in a hurry. Maybe he needed to be in Omaha as early as possible for something very important.

I looked around the cabin at the other roughly 150 passengers on that flight and wondered if none of us had any urgent or important stuff waiting for us at our destination. I didn't hear a peep from anyone else. Only Mike let out sounds of frustration when each of the announcements came on.

That doesn't mean he was the only person disappointed with our situation. He could have been the only one close enough to my seat to expressed his annoyance audibly. So, what could be going on with him? Or with anyone else with a similar tendency to immediately convey their infuriation visibly for all to see?

Whether it's an audible sigh or punching the wall, and everything in-between, they all come from a low level of an emotional intelligence skill called Impulse Control.

Although it didn't happen in the flight example I experienced this past weekend, people with low impulse control can throw tantrums and lash out because they’re frustrated for not getting what you want. In the end, their explosive behaviors still don’t get them what they want!

 So, what exactly is Impulse Control?

 It's the ability to delay an urge, drive, or temptation to act. In other words, it involves avoiding rash behaviors and decision-making, being composed and being able to put the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile, and irresponsible behaviors.

In general, people with effective impulse control have the capacity to think before they act. They have a good control of their emotions, their words, their behaviors, and they use all these to their advantage. You can begin to take back control of those instinctive impulses by following a simple 3-step process I call the 3 Ps.

Pause. Stop and resist your initial automatic urge to act right away. Just do nothing for a moment and allow the rational side of your brain enough time for processing. Research says it takes about six to eight seconds for this to happen. It may be difficult at the beginning especially if you’ve become accustomed to reacting quickly. But with practice, you will get better at it.

Ponder. Take time to think and process what’s going on – consider your options. Ask yourself, “Does this situation call for immediate action?” Even if immediate action is required, it probably doesn’t need to be faster than the eight seconds your brain needs, to come up with more reasonable solutions.

Proceed. Go ahead and pick the best response for the situation. The best response usually doesn’t involve doing something that makes you sound or look out of control, neither does it include insulting another person or doing something that could destroy your relationship with them.

Follow the 3 Ps, and you'll well be on your way to improving you IP - that's Impulse Control in case you're wondering.

Yeah I know. IC doesn't rhyme with 3 Ps, so I took literary license.

Sue me! 😏