Early Arrival

Is someone waiting for you?

Oliver has a habit of arriving late for almost every meeting. His tardiness ranged anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes. Sometimes, he doesn't show up at all. Each time, he would apologize for being late. He also has a very good reason every time.

“My last meeting ran over time.”

“Someone with an urgent need stopped me on the way here.”

"I was busy and lost track of the time."

What Oliver doesn't realize is how this behavior is perceived by those waiting on him for meetings to begin. Regardless of how good his reasons are for being late, many now recognizes it as a habit for him. It has become a part how people see him.

For those who work with the perpetual late comer, this is what his tardiness communicates to them:

He doesn’t care about my time

He doesn’t respect me

He feels he’s more important than the rest of us

I can't rely on him

A few months ago, I was waiting to get into an elevator when a group of friends passed by. I heard one of them say, “I’m always late. It’s the story of my life". Then, they started laughing about it.

But this is no laughing matter. It shows an absolute lack of respect for the people waiting for you.

I used to attend a church where everything starts 5 minutes early. Six o’clock in the evening means 5:55 pm. If you arrive at 5:56 pm, you’re late. In a school that was part of the church ministry, classroom doors are locked at 5 minutes before the time. This was done so that people would cultivate the habit of arriving early for meetings and other appointments.

Not too long ago, I had a meeting with another leader who explained why she strives to be on time at every meeting. She said, “Their time is valuable; my time is valuable”.

Some don't see it that way. There are leaders who see it as badge of honor that people are waiting for them. Maybe this feeds their egos. Maybe they’re just not aware of how the behavior comes across to others. No matter what it is, it may be a good idea for them to rethink the issue.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should never be late. That’s impossible even with the best of intentions. Circumstances can conspire to delay your on-time arrival at times. Where it turns into a problem is when it becomes a habit. When people can predict with some high accuracy that you will be late, that you’re always late, this is not a good sign. They will start to feel that you're not reliable. It begins to affect your integrity.

If you are conscientious about always being on time, what’s your usual response in those few instances when you're late?

Those meticulous about keeping to time will realize that they won’t make the meeting on time, before the agreed time. So, they reach out ahead of time to inform the other party or parties of the situation, and why they won’t make it on time. Because they take psychological ownership for anything they commit to, they also feel emotionally bound to follow them through to completion. They know that their good name and reputation depends on it. They’re not content with just explaining it away. They don't deal with it after the fact. They deal with it before.

But what do you do if you have meetings stacked back-to-back and you find yourself running breathlessly to your next meeting?

Pay attention to how your meetings are scheduled. I know a leader who will not schedule 3 meetings in a row without a break or a “me time” somewhere in between to catch up, reflect on the meetings he has attended and have time to get to the next one.

So, while being late to a meeting might seem of little consequence to me, others could infer my level of integrity from it; especially if the behavior becomes a pattern. I could be seen as unreliable. That’s the reason that, as a leader, I cannot afford to be wishy-washy about delivering on promises, no matter how trivial or casual. And being on time at meetings has an implied promise inherent in it.

My effectiveness as a leader depends on it.

Feel the Pain

Do you feel the need to show others that you’re in charge?

Jack arrived at work one day and on seeing Susan, started yelling at her. It had to do with something that happened a week earlier. He was her boss, and he had put on this show with some of Susan’s colleagues and customers present. She was embarrassed.

Have you ever had a boss who makes you feel you have no value? His goal is to belittle you and put you on the spot; to put you down. He wants you to know who’s in charge. And he wants others to know it too! When he enters the room, your heart skips a beat. His modus operandi is to keep you quaking in your boots.

When you’re a witness to situations such as this, you have to ask:

Why do people behave this way? Why would anyone in their right senses think they would get good engagement from team members that they treat in this manner?

Human psychology experts have pondered these types of questions for a long time. The fact remains that human behavior is one of those things in life that’s very difficult to understand.

“I’m the Boss!”

In some cases, a supervisor will behave in the manner describe above because he just wants to show you and others that he’s your boss, plain and simple. What made my opening story more curious is that a week before, Susan had a discussion with Jack. She told him about her business travel plans and asked him if he was okay with it. He had some hesitation but eventually, he said he was okay with the plan.

Suddenly, a week later, Jack had decided that he was no longer okay with the plan. But instead of calling Susan aside to discuss it, he lashed out in the presence of a group of people. He decided that was the perfect time to appear tough so no one could accuse him of being soft or favoring one person over the others.  At least that’s one of the reasons that he gave her later when she asked him.

This was a discussion Jack could have had with Susan in private, but he needed to show others who was in charge. His ego needed some stroking.

No Apologies Needed

After sleeping over that exchange for a day in order to cool down her emotions, Susan asked to meet with Jack privately. She told him how his comments made her feel, especially when done with many onlookers.

“I felt blindsided by your comments. It looks like you intentionally decided to belittle me for no apparent reason. We had discussed my travel plans last week and you said it was okay. If you now had a different feeling about what we discussed, I thought you would have called me and discussed it in private.  I took the last 24 hours to think about what happened yesterday, and I was not able to come to a good reason why you behaved that way. I had to conclude that you did this just to put me down.”

The curious thing was that during this discussion, Jack did not refute any of Susan’s conclusions. Neither did he apologize for his behavior. He simply explained it away. So, Susan concluded that her assertion was true. Jack behaved that way just to show her and others around that he’s the boss; that he’s tough and an equal opportunity pain-in-the-butt. To Susan, a simple apology would have sufficed. But she didn’t get one.

We all make mistakes from time to time. Good leaders admit it when they make them, apologize and move on. They don’t try to explain them away. As a result of this experience, Susan decided that she couldn’t continue to work with Jack. She changed jobs a few months later. The organization lost a dedicated and valuable employee.

Share the Pain

Another explanation for this type of behavior has to do with how we handle pain and pressure. Some of us make those around us miserable just because we’re miserable. We feel pain, and then dish it out to those we come into contact with.

In the discussion with Susan, Jack admitted that he wanted others to feel the pain he was feeling. He had been stuck on a project that’s fraught with problems; inherited problems. As a result, he’s had to spend long days and weekends away from his family. So if he had to be away from home, others needed to feel it too. He even admitted that this wasn’t fair, but that was as far as he was willing to go. There were no apologies for behaving (or even thinking) this way.

While many of us will be taken aback by Jack’s behavior, we all have a little bit of Jack in us. The issue is whether or not we let him loose; or how far we let him loose. Sometimes, we act on the spur of the moment without giving adequate thought to the impact of our behavior. But knowing how to control our impulses is a behavioral trait that can be learned. It must be learned by anyone who seek to harness the power of their emotions to be a better person. And a better leader.

Heroes and Heroic Acts

One good act doesn't make an impeccable character

Photo courtesy of Tobias van Schneider

Late last year, cancer-survivor Lance Armstrong finally confessed to taking performance-enhancing drugs while winning a record seven Tour de France titles. This happened after many repeated denials. Until the confession, his response to anyone who suggested he cheated and doped was an intense denial. Typically, he would attack his accusers, often calling them all liars.

Similar stories abound in the world of baseball. In the latest episode early this month, Major League Baseball disciplined 13 players for their relationship to Biogenesis of America, a now-closed, Florida anti-aging clinic accused of distributing banned performance-enhancing drugs. Twelve players were suspended for 50 games each. The stiffest penalty was reserved for Alex Rodriguez, who was banned for the remainder of the 2013 season, and the entire 2014 campaign. While some are applauding the ban, others say that the punishment doesn't match the crime.

There have been many outcries against most of these athletes. People are disappointed because they looked up to them, especially because of the good work some of them do in their communities. They wonder how such “good” people could also be cheats.

What most of us forget, is that the fame and riches these people get as rewards from being good athletes does not translate to a change in character. They are who they are. In fact, their visibility as star athletes only magnifies who they already are, and elevates it for all to see. That’s why Michael Vick’s dog-fighting passion came to the fore a few years ago. Their riches helped them to indulge in who they really are.

But that’s not unique to famous people. It's in every one of us. We all have our character flaws. Mine is hidden from the public because I don’t have the fame that will put it on display for all to see.

This is especially true of leaders. The leadership position provides a level of visibility to others. The leader's flaws and shortcomings become easily apparent. Good leaders realize this, and they learn to compensate. They do not wane in their yearning for improvement, knowledge and growth. They acknowledge their areas of weaknesses and surround themselves with people who are strong in those areas. They do not cease to learn and grow.

One Good Act …

An athlete starts a foundation, and does good things in the community. The fire fighter runs into a burning building and rescues 20 people. As a result, we elevate them to the status of heroes. Once elevated, we expect their character to be spotless. There is a human tendency to deduce integrity and character from one (or more) noble acts performed by someone. However, no one’s perfect.

Months later, we discover that the fireman beats his wife and that our star athlete is a fraud. Our hearts are broken, and we get disappointed. But wait! Why do we expect perfection from these people? The good they do in the community does not make them saints. They’re just like us. My one good act does not translate to an impeccable character.

Character and integrity are the glues that tie everything together. No matter how much good you’ve done, one lapse in character could cost you several years to build back the trust that has been lost.

Why is this so?

It's because character speaks! Character communicates louder than anything else. In his book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John Maxwell describes some of the things that character communicates. He writes, “People will tolerate honest mistakes. People will also give leaders a grace period for connecting with others. However, they won’t forgive lapses in character”. 

I used to work with an organization whose CEO was an exceptional leader. He led the business to more than a decade of annual growth and high returns for shareholders. He treated everyone with respect and valued employees’ contributions, no matter how small. When he retired, the next CEO appointed by the Board of Directors was the complete opposite. He was arrogance personified, and did not hesitate to let everyone know how smart and better he was than everyone at everything.

Soon, he got into trouble and was fired. As a result, the goodwill previously enjoyed by the organization suffered. Its solid reputation, built under the leadership of the former CEO took a hit when the new guy showed up. It took many more years of good leadership to build it back. The character of the leader reflects on the team or the organization.

So, is someone a hero because of a few heroics acts? I think not! But just as in the baseball saga, people are lining up on either side of this debate.

The battle rages on.