Power Struggle

How do you handle potentially volatile situations?

It's as old as time itself.

We've seen it throughout all generations - from antiquity, through medieval, to modern. From the reign of the Egyptian Pharaohs to the rule of the Roman Emperors. We see it in homes when children rebel against parents. We see the results of it in half of all marriages ending in divorce. We see it in the workplace between bosses and those who work for them. It’s in every area of life.

It's the reason that the United States have been rocked with protests from coast to coast over the last few weeks.

It’s the classic struggle for power and control.

While most of us are aware of the high profile incidents that resulted in the deaths of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, Eric Garner in New York and 12-year-old Tamir Rice in Cleveland, there are a number of others that are not as popular.

Peter Liang, an NYPD rookie police officer shot and killed Akai Gurley on Nov. 20, 2014 in Brooklyn. This did not make national headlines probably because the family asked Al Sharpton to stay away.

Just 10 days after Brown was killed, a witness captured on video, the shooting death of 25-year-old Kajieme Powell by two St. Louis police officers outside a convenience store. Then, there’s the video footage of a girl being restrained in a choke-hold by a female police officer in Mesa, Arizona.

In many of these cases, those that have power on their side exert their authority by barking out commands or issuing decrees. And they expect nothing short of immediate and unquestioned compliance. I’ll call them the “powerful”. On the other side are those who challenge the authority of the powerful. They don't want to be pushed around. They refuse to comply. They're the “powerless”.

When the two collide, the powerless get the short end of the stick. Lives are lost. Families get devastated. Demonstrations and protests rock a nation.

Which makes me wonder how trivial we treat our most essential possessions. Both the powerful and the powerless treat human lives casually. Sometimes, the powerful demand compliance with whatever order creeps into their heads and threaten punishment for disobedience. The powerless on the other hand play poker with their lives. They challenge the authority of the powerful to dole out punishment.

In a few of the recent police encounters captured on video, you could hear some challenge the officers and dare them to shoot. It’s almost as if they have death wishes. That’s amazing, when you consider the fact that once a life is taken, it cannot be given back. Once destroyed, it cannot be redeemed.

While I’m not advocating blind obedience to every kind of authority, I think it’s important to take a closer look at the situation. The policeman is human. Even though he’s fully trained, you can’t vouch for his state of mind at that specific moment. Or what his experiences have been lately. Did he just have a quarrel with another officer? Or his wife? Is he having some personal issues or struggles? Does he have any prejudices or biases? Maybe. Maybe not.

But what about the experiences and biases on the other side? The perception that you’re a criminal because you’re a black male could be irritating. If not controlled, that irritation could lead to irrational behaviors. Has he been unjustly harassed by a police officer in the past? Did any of his friends or family? Did he keep his cool then, and bottled up his feelings until now? Maybe today is the day he’s chosen to crawl out of his inaction. Today, he will stand his ground.

When neither side considers all the options, and refuses to give the other side some benefit of the doubt, the consequences can be deadly. Some have ended in the most harrowing experiences we've seen recently. Lives pointlessly lost.

You can see the same dynamics at play in the workplace on a daily basis. Yes, it may not be as life-threatening as these police encounters, but it’s equally dangerous. A boss barks out an “order” and demand that things be done his way. Whether or not that furthers the cause of the business is irrelevant. For many of us, we sheepishly comply, probably because we don’t consider the stakes as being high enough for us to take a stand.

Others stand their ground, and go toe-to-toe with the boss for various reasons. Some believe there could be a better way, and they find the best means to convey this. Eventually, they may be able to convince the boss otherwise. Some who also believe in another option go a different route and challenge the boss to a shouting contest. Even though lives may not be lost here, jobs could be. Careers may be ruined. An organization could lose a valuable employee.

What about you? What will you do? Do you have the self-control to restrain yourself and check your impulses even when what you’re experiencing feels unjustified? Can you behave in such a manner that will diffuse a potentially volatile situation? Do you have the skills to influence and change opinions without resorting to violence?

Whether you’re the powerful or the powerless, the boss or the subordinate, it's good to pause. Pause to ponder the situation you’re in. Carefully consider the best way to respond. A lot may be riding on it.

Precious lives may depend on it.

A Piece of Your Mind

Impulsive reactions do more harm than you know

When Mariah arrived at her desk that fateful Wednesday morning, the email was waiting in her Inbox. That was the last thing she wanted to see.

As she continued to read the email that Mike had sent overnight, she got increasingly agitated. With every word, her level of anger climbed a little higher.

Mike should have known better.  How dare he send me such a note?!

By the time she was done reading, the explosions in her head had reached astronomical proportions. She couldn’t contain herself. She was officially pissed.  And she wanted Mike to know how she felt.

I’ll show him who’s the boss!

She hit the Reply button and started pounding away furiously at her keyboard. She kept pouring out all the thoughts flowing through her mind with all the accompanying emotions. She told Mike where to stuff his email and where to jump into. She definitely gave him a piece of her mind. When she was done, she looked at her screen. SHE HAD WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS, in bold, and changed the font color to red. There was a multitude of exclamation points scattered all over the email. She hit Send.

Mariah’s behavior shows what can happen when emotional impulses are not held in check. Such impulses can rage like a wild fire for a brief moment and then dies. But they usually leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Regret is what follows. Ruined lives and careers may result.

People like Mariah have a very low level of Impulse Control. They’re what you would call “hot-headed” or “tempestuous”. Low levels of impulse control manifest themselves as explosive behaviors, impulsiveness, anger control problems and abusiveness, just to name a few.

What is Impulse Control? In their book, The EQ Edge, Steven Stein and Howard Book defined it as “the ability to delay an impulse, drive or temptation to act”. It involves “avoiding rash behaviors and decision-making, being composed and being able to put the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile and irresponsible behaviors”. It is a component of Emotional Intelligence (EI).

People with effective impulse control have the capacity to think first, before acting. They consider all the options, which make them more likely to make better decisions and behave in a more responsible manner.

Others like Mariah don’t seem to act in their own best interests. More importantly, this impulsive tendency shows up in every area of their lives. They make poor decisions when under pressure, spend money unwisely and generally have a very low tolerance for frustration.

A few years ago, my connecting flight at Denver International Airport was cancelled. It was the last flight of the day for the airline into San Francisco. As I was pondering my options, one guy (I’ll call him Joe) walked angrily to the airline agent who just announced the cancellation. He started berating her, telling her how important it was for him to get into San Francisco that night. He was completely out of control, cursing and threatening fire and brimstone.

At the end, Joe stormed off to look for a hotel in which he would spend the night. Those of us who remained calm were eventually re-booked on other airlines. We were able to make it into San Francisco later that night. But not Joe; he spent the night in Denver, probably still cursing under his breath as he slept.

In most instances, lacking effective impulse control is an ill wind that blows no good. You throw tantrums and lash out because you're frustrated. In the end, you still don’t have your way. In fact, you end up losing most of the time.

Because of the unprintable things that Mariah sent to Mike, she lost her job after Mike took her email to Human Resources. The company had zero tolerance policy on such things, especially for those who lead teams.

What about you? How do you respond to frustrating and stressful situations? An old Jewish proverb says that “a fool’s displeasure is known at once, but whoever ignores an insult is sensible”. How effective are you at controlling your impulses?

Like most components of Emotional Intelligence, impulse control can be improved with coaching and guided practice. Reach out for help before it’s too late.

A lot in your future may depend on it.

Resistance is Futile

When they simply refuse to do what they should.

Last month, I wrote about making decisions that others will agree with. Let’s flip it around this month, and take a look at why people resist doing what they should.

Joe* was part of a large project team where multiple contractors were working on different parts of the job. He was responsible for a very small portion and he managed two of the contractors. Each contractor had a group of people working under the directions of a foreman. At the beginning, Joe communicated expectations with the contractors and established a process that everyone agreed will help the work progress smoothly.

After a few days on the job, Mike*, one of the other team leaders came to Joe and told him that one of his foremen was not following the process that had been agreed to. Mike had approached the foreman and had been told bluntly that what he was requesting was more than what was agreed, and that he would not comply. Mike was about to go and report this to the overall leader of the project, but Joe asked him not to do that yet. He asked for time to speak to the foreman.

Interestingly enough, after Joe had a discussion with the foreman, he agreed to do the work that he had earlier told Mike that he would not do.

Why was Joe successful where Mike failed?

In general, why do some people refuse to do what they ought to? Leaders run into this scenario more often than you can imagine. There’s that one employee who just won’t do what is required of him. Parents of teenagers are often in the same situation. Why won’t your son or daughter listen and do something that’s beneficial for them?

On the Spot

In many cases, the approach is the culprit. When someone needs to be set straight, many of us allow our emotions to take over. This is particularly true in cases where we think we had a prior agreement; especially if we are in a position of authority over that person. High on Adrenalin, we often lash out without minding our environment. We do it with coworkers or other people present.

As humans, many of us do not like being put down, especially when others are around. The presence of other people goes a long way to determine how we respond when others talk to us about sensitive issues. We all like to feel important; we want our egos stroked. But when I talk down to you in order to address a situation, the response I get may not be what I had hoped for.

Fight or Flight

One major outcome when we put people on the spot in this manner is that they feel insulted. When we don't allow them to save face, the result is disrespect. Many of us may not think of it this way. We think, if they don’t want to be talked to in a manner they don’t like, they should do what’s expected of them in the first place. While that may be true, it’s always a good idea to imagine the shoe on the other foot.

How would I like it, if someone speaks to me in a disrespectful manner when I do wrong? And I do, do wrong! We all do.

When someone is disrespected, one of two responses is typical: fight or flight. They will either respond in kind or keep quiet. They will return the disrespect or hold it in for fear of the consequences that result from saying something. Neither response is good. Both breed strife; one covertly, the other overtly. Whether this involves a leader with her team members at work, or a parent with her rebellious teenager, relationships could be destroyed.

So what do you do?

The solution is simple. When you have to admonish someone, do it in a private. You don’t want to be seen talking down at somebody, even if you have authority over them; especially if you have authority over them. All you will accomplish is to put more distance between you and them. If you’re angry about the situation, let cooler heads prevail before deciding to discuss the situation.

Even if you’re convinced that they deserve a tongue-lashing, do it in private. That’s one way you can influence them to listen to what you have to say. Give them an opportunity to save face.

Your credibility may depend on it.

*Names have been changed

Feel the Pain

Do you feel the need to show others that you’re in charge?

Jack arrived at work one day and on seeing Susan, started yelling at her. It had to do with something that happened a week earlier. He was her boss, and he had put on this show with some of Susan’s colleagues and customers present. She was embarrassed.

Have you ever had a boss who makes you feel you have no value? His goal is to belittle you and put you on the spot; to put you down. He wants you to know who’s in charge. And he wants others to know it too! When he enters the room, your heart skips a beat. His modus operandi is to keep you quaking in your boots.

When you’re a witness to situations such as this, you have to ask:

Why do people behave this way? Why would anyone in their right senses think they would get good engagement from team members that they treat in this manner?

Human psychology experts have pondered these types of questions for a long time. The fact remains that human behavior is one of those things in life that’s very difficult to understand.

“I’m the Boss!”

In some cases, a supervisor will behave in the manner describe above because he just wants to show you and others that he’s your boss, plain and simple. What made my opening story more curious is that a week before, Susan had a discussion with Jack. She told him about her business travel plans and asked him if he was okay with it. He had some hesitation but eventually, he said he was okay with the plan.

Suddenly, a week later, Jack had decided that he was no longer okay with the plan. But instead of calling Susan aside to discuss it, he lashed out in the presence of a group of people. He decided that was the perfect time to appear tough so no one could accuse him of being soft or favoring one person over the others.  At least that’s one of the reasons that he gave her later when she asked him.

This was a discussion Jack could have had with Susan in private, but he needed to show others who was in charge. His ego needed some stroking.

No Apologies Needed

After sleeping over that exchange for a day in order to cool down her emotions, Susan asked to meet with Jack privately. She told him how his comments made her feel, especially when done with many onlookers.

“I felt blindsided by your comments. It looks like you intentionally decided to belittle me for no apparent reason. We had discussed my travel plans last week and you said it was okay. If you now had a different feeling about what we discussed, I thought you would have called me and discussed it in private.  I took the last 24 hours to think about what happened yesterday, and I was not able to come to a good reason why you behaved that way. I had to conclude that you did this just to put me down.”

The curious thing was that during this discussion, Jack did not refute any of Susan’s conclusions. Neither did he apologize for his behavior. He simply explained it away. So, Susan concluded that her assertion was true. Jack behaved that way just to show her and others around that he’s the boss; that he’s tough and an equal opportunity pain-in-the-butt. To Susan, a simple apology would have sufficed. But she didn’t get one.

We all make mistakes from time to time. Good leaders admit it when they make them, apologize and move on. They don’t try to explain them away. As a result of this experience, Susan decided that she couldn’t continue to work with Jack. She changed jobs a few months later. The organization lost a dedicated and valuable employee.

Share the Pain

Another explanation for this type of behavior has to do with how we handle pain and pressure. Some of us make those around us miserable just because we’re miserable. We feel pain, and then dish it out to those we come into contact with.

In the discussion with Susan, Jack admitted that he wanted others to feel the pain he was feeling. He had been stuck on a project that’s fraught with problems; inherited problems. As a result, he’s had to spend long days and weekends away from his family. So if he had to be away from home, others needed to feel it too. He even admitted that this wasn’t fair, but that was as far as he was willing to go. There were no apologies for behaving (or even thinking) this way.

While many of us will be taken aback by Jack’s behavior, we all have a little bit of Jack in us. The issue is whether or not we let him loose; or how far we let him loose. Sometimes, we act on the spur of the moment without giving adequate thought to the impact of our behavior. But knowing how to control our impulses is a behavioral trait that can be learned. It must be learned by anyone who seek to harness the power of their emotions to be a better person. And a better leader.