Sweating Bullets!

Photo courtesy of Travis Gergen

A few years ago, the following conversation ensued between me and a colleague at work.

Me: Hi Kate! I’ve not seen you in about a month. You must have been traveling.

Kate: Yes, I was at three of our plant locations this past month.

Me: Really! What were you doing?

Kate: I had to deliver customer service training to groups in those places.

Me: How did they go?

Kate: Awful! I was so nervous I was sweating bullets!

Me: That’s interesting! But you’ve been doing those training sessions for a few years now. I thought you’d be used to it by now.

Kate: No! There’s no getting used to this for me. Each time I’ve had to stand in front of a group of people and speak, I get very anxious and nervous. Sometimes, I even start foaming at the mouth as I sweat profusely.

Me: I can relate. In fact, I had the same fear years ago. But after attending a Public Speaking seminar and getting a lot of practice through Toastmasters, I have become much better over the years.

Kate: Much better?! You’re very good! I’ve heard you speak to different groups a few times. It seems so natural for you.

Me: Yes, I’m more comfortable speaking in public now. And the same can be true for you. It’s a skill that can be learned and developed. I’m a living example. I remember how fast my heart used to beat, with just the thought of speaking in front of 5 people. But that’s not the case anymore.

Kate: I don’t think I can overcome this! As you said, I’ve been doing this training for years; I know the material very well. Still, I get very nervous each time I have to deliver it. Do you know that sometimes when I do the training over the phone, I still get as nervous as when I do it in person?

Me: Trust me, Kate. You can overcome this. I think you just need some training and practice to get you started.

Kate: I don’t think so, Sunny!

As you read this exchange between Kate and I, what’s going on in your mind? Do you see yourself in Kate’s shoes? Are you thinking that this fear is not one you can overcome? I assure you — you can!

You can learn the skills needed to speak in front of a group of people without wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole! All you need is the willingness to learn.

So, what do you do to cure your glossophobia tendencies? Here are five simple steps.

1. Optimism is essential. You must first believe that you can do this. If you continue to tell yourself that you can’t, that’s exactly what will happen.
2. Organize your thoughts and your message. Thinking is becoming a lost art. Many of us barely give more than a fleeting thought to anything these days. Think about your message and organize the contents in a logical fashion.
3. Write down the key points. Ensure that one point logically flows into the next. Use stories and examples to illustrate each point. People remember better with stories. You do not want to write out your entire speech and memorize it. That’s a bad idea!
4. Practice, practice, practice! I cannot emphasize this enough. Practice your speech out loud, and time it. You do not want to exceed time limits. Practice until your message flows well and you can deliver it within the given timeframe.
5. Breathe! As you practice, remember to pay attention to your breathing. Most beginning speakers are out of breath after the first few sentences because they forget to breathe.

Remember that when it comes to overcoming the fear of public speaking, constant practice is important. This is a skill that is best learned by doing it. The more you speak in front of people, the more comfortable you will be. As you do, you get better each time. And it will greatly boost your confidence.

Finally, search for local Toastmasters clubs near your home or work, and join one. This will give you myriad of opportunities for ongoing practice and feedback. Use the recommendations as you prepare for your next speech.

Over the last six years, I have seen many people overcome their fears of public speaking.

You can do it too!

Customer Disservice

What’s Your Face Saying?

It was a typical Monday morning beehive of activities at the airport. My flight was on time, and because of frequent flier privileges, I was able to board early with an upgrade to the premium cabin. As I boarded, I was expecting the usual smiling and welcoming face of one of the flight attendants at the door. But it was different this time.

Waiting for me at the door was a tall, stern-looking flight attendant. I’ll call him Joe. At best, his “welcome aboard” was delivered with a frown. In reality, it was scary; delivered with scorn. It was a complete departure from what I was used to. So much so that I had to do a double-take. I quickly walked past him to my seat lest I get a slap just for boarding! Yes, I’m exaggerating a little here. But his expression definitely made me not want to slow down around him as I walked by.

For many people with customer-facing job responsibilities, it could be tough to present and maintain a cheerful attitude at all times. It may even be more difficult for those whose roles demand that they keep a smile on their faces most of the time. But when you’re the customer on the other side of that face, you usually don’t take the time to think of the reasons why the person doesn’t seem to be cheerful. After all, you have a lot on your mind too. Your first thought could be, “what’s wrong with him?” But the reasons for the expression  on his face could be as myriad as the number of seats on a jumbo jetliner.

Joe could be having a bad morning. It could be a carry-over from something that happened to him over the weekend. It could have stemmed from an unpleasant discussion he just had with one of the pilots or another flight attendant. Maybe he’s just worried about how he’s going to pay the huge credit card bill he just received in the mail. Or the IRS is after him for a backlog of unpaid taxes!

On second thought, it could also be that that is what his face normally looks like. That may be his resting face. I’ve heard “resting face” defined as the expression on your face when your thoughts are neutral; when they’re neither sad nor happy.

Now, I’m not one to comment on another person’s resting face. I’ve been told a few times that my resting face is a frowny one. As a result, I’ve tried over the last few years to smile when I’m meeting new people. Yes, sometimes I forget and I get pre-occupied with my own thoughts. But I’m trying to get better at it. The fact remains that a smile usually brightens someone’s outlook and communicates that you’re welcoming and approachable.

As a leader, I know I have to maintain a positive and cheerful attitude for my teams, despite my frowny resting face. Just as Joe’s facial expression made me not want to engage him in any way, no team is motivated or engaged when the leader appears unfriendly, even if he’s bubbling inside. I’m almost certain that what Joe’s face reflected, is probably not what he meant to communicate to me. Or maybe it was! I watched him throughout the hour-long flight, and he had the same stern expression all the time.

So, what’s your resting face like? What does it communicate?

If it’s a frowny one like mine, what will you do about it?

Resistance is Futile

When they simply refuse to do what they should.

Last month, I wrote about making decisions that others will agree with. Let’s flip it around this month, and take a look at why people resist doing what they should.

Joe* was part of a large project team where multiple contractors were working on different parts of the job. He was responsible for a very small portion and he managed two of the contractors. Each contractor had a group of people working under the directions of a foreman. At the beginning, Joe communicated expectations with the contractors and established a process that everyone agreed will help the work progress smoothly.

After a few days on the job, Mike*, one of the other team leaders came to Joe and told him that one of his foremen was not following the process that had been agreed to. Mike had approached the foreman and had been told bluntly that what he was requesting was more than what was agreed, and that he would not comply. Mike was about to go and report this to the overall leader of the project, but Joe asked him not to do that yet. He asked for time to speak to the foreman.

Interestingly enough, after Joe had a discussion with the foreman, he agreed to do the work that he had earlier told Mike that he would not do.

Why was Joe successful where Mike failed?

In general, why do some people refuse to do what they ought to? Leaders run into this scenario more often than you can imagine. There’s that one employee who just won’t do what is required of him. Parents of teenagers are often in the same situation. Why won’t your son or daughter listen and do something that’s beneficial for them?

On the Spot

In many cases, the approach is the culprit. When someone needs to be set straight, many of us allow our emotions to take over. This is particularly true in cases where we think we had a prior agreement; especially if we are in a position of authority over that person. High on Adrenalin, we often lash out without minding our environment. We do it with coworkers or other people present.

As humans, many of us do not like being put down, especially when others are around. The presence of other people goes a long way to determine how we respond when others talk to us about sensitive issues. We all like to feel important; we want our egos stroked. But when I talk down to you in order to address a situation, the response I get may not be what I had hoped for.

Fight or Flight

One major outcome when we put people on the spot in this manner is that they feel insulted. When we don't allow them to save face, the result is disrespect. Many of us may not think of it this way. We think, if they don’t want to be talked to in a manner they don’t like, they should do what’s expected of them in the first place. While that may be true, it’s always a good idea to imagine the shoe on the other foot.

How would I like it, if someone speaks to me in a disrespectful manner when I do wrong? And I do, do wrong! We all do.

When someone is disrespected, one of two responses is typical: fight or flight. They will either respond in kind or keep quiet. They will return the disrespect or hold it in for fear of the consequences that result from saying something. Neither response is good. Both breed strife; one covertly, the other overtly. Whether this involves a leader with her team members at work, or a parent with her rebellious teenager, relationships could be destroyed.

So what do you do?

The solution is simple. When you have to admonish someone, do it in a private. You don’t want to be seen talking down at somebody, even if you have authority over them; especially if you have authority over them. All you will accomplish is to put more distance between you and them. If you’re angry about the situation, let cooler heads prevail before deciding to discuss the situation.

Even if you’re convinced that they deserve a tongue-lashing, do it in private. That’s one way you can influence them to listen to what you have to say. Give them an opportunity to save face.

Your credibility may depend on it.

*Names have been changed

Getting them to Agree

Make the changes that many will buy into.

Times are changing at Yamuka Corporation. Once the beacon of internet search engines, recent start-ups have eaten deep into its sources of revenue. As income has dried up, deep cuts are desperately needed.

One bright Monday morning, Erika arrived at work to find an email from the company’s CFO in her inbox. Extra hands are needed on deck, so 12-hour work days are now mandatory for everyone, including weekends. To ensure that people are available when needed, every employee will now be required to carry a pager. Once paged, they need to be in the office or log onto the company network within a half hour.

Erika was mad. She fumed as she silently contemplated the situation.

This isn’t what I signed up for! I have a life. I have a husband and two little children who need me. How can they just increase my workload by 50% overnight? And a pager? Why don’t they just put a leash around my neck? I’ll have to look for another job.

During the few minutes that followed, she thought about her strategy for job-hunting. She would spend some time to search for opening while at work, and apply to the ones that fit once she gets home.

Let’s face it. It’s a fact that most organizations go through cycles of good and bad fortunes. But only the ones that are nimble and able to respond fast to changing economic environments are able to weather the storm.

Many organizations lose valuable employees because of the way much needed changes are implemented. Here’s a few tips on what works.

Wisdom in Numbers

When changes are necessary in most organizations, the top executives would usually put together a team of top leaders to figure out what needs to be done. Typically, this team spans the functions on the organization for a balanced representation. Despite this approach, the ideas gathered by the team may not be representative of the entire organization. This is because not many of these leaders reach deep within their functional areas to poll for ideas. As a result, many good ideas are left uncovered.

In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, James Surowiecki told the story of a country fair in which those in attendance were asked to guess the weight of a slaughtered ox. After the roughly 800 responses were averaged, it came to 1,197 lbs. When the ox was actually weighed, it came in at 1,198 lbs. This is just one of the many case studies and anecdotes that the author used to show that the aggregation of information in groups frequently results in decisions that are often better than could have been made by any single member of the group.

When organizations poll many, instead of a privileged (or top) few to effect changes, there’s the likelihood that a much better decision will result.

Change is Coming

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating requesting inputs from everyone ad infinitum in order to please everybody. That doesn’t add value and it may end up paralyzing the decision-making process. You simply cannot please everyone.

However, when inputs are requested from the entire organization, it serves as an informal notice to people that changes are on the way. It helps to prepare them for the final decision so it doesn’t come as a shock.

With today’s technology, this is very easy to do. Many organizations now use workplace social networking platforms such as Yammer. With such tools, it’s easy to poll for ideas from the entire organization by asking a simple question. Employees can use such a platform to present ideas while others would see them and post questions and/or add inputs to further refine those ideas.

Choice is Key

Another benefit of asking for ideas is that you’re telling everyone that several choices are being considered. It tells them that they potentially have a say in the final decision. Having the choice to decide something that affects us means a lot.

Think about it. How do you typically respond when people try to compel you to do something? Your natural reaction is to resist. As humans, we have this deep desire to retain our will. In fact, the history of civilization shows that we’d rather lose our lives than surrender our freedom. We’ve been known to go to war over even a small infringement on our freedom. The story of the American Revolution drives that point home for us.

Peter Block said, “Your ‘yes’ means nothing if you can’t say ‘no’. There can be no commitment if there’s no choice.”

When you ask people for their inputs into a decision-making process, you’re giving them the chance to say “no” to other ideas. But when you legislate what must be done, you may end up the way of Yamuka Corporation and lose your most valuable people.

Difficult Discussions

When conversations turn ugly, you don’t have to.

Have you ever disagreed with someone on a topic that you cared about? The conversation may have started innocently enough, but before you know it, tempers flare up and the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention. As adrenalin pumps into your bloodstream, what started as a harmless discussion is about to take an ugly turn into a full-blown war!

This was the scenario in which Sam and Jack found themselves. It was time for the annual end-of-year performance review. Sam was discussing how he had performed over the past year with Jack, his boss. Jack knew that Sam was an exceptional employee and a valuable member of his team. He had been consistent in delivering results over the years. This time however, the discussion went south very quickly. Sam felt under-appreciated by Jack’s comments. There were disagreements on how the results Sam delivered during the past year had helped the business. At the end, Sam stormed out of the meeting room. Two months later, he sent in his resignation. Jack had lost a valuable resource.

When conversations get to the stage described above, many of us are no longer listening to the other person. We are thinking about how to respond and refute whatever we’re hearing. Or not hearing. Acclaimed author and leadership expert, Stephen R. Covey said,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

This is truer when conversations become difficult. When we are in this mode, we miss important details that could have steered the exchange away from troubled waters.

Assumptions, Motives & Intent

More often than not, our frames of mind do a lot to influence how we respond during these difficult discussions. If we believe that the other person is not acting with our best interest, the natural reaction is to defend our turf. Unconsciously, we attribute unholy motives to whatever our senses pick up.

An innocent comment such as “you sure do look good today” could generate responses ranging from, “Thank you; that’s so nice of you!” to “What do you mean I look good today?! Are you saying I don’t look good on other days?” and everything in-between. In today’s culture, this may even result in sexual harassment accusations if it involves people of opposite sexes, especially if the relationship is not one of mutual trust.

Instead of attributing the worst of motives, it’s always good to assume positive intent. Until proven otherwise, why don’t you assume that what you’re seeing and hearing are done with the best of intentions? This could really help, particularly in situations where those assumptions eventually turn out to be wrong.

The Past Comes to Play

In other situations, prior interactions with the other person could affect how a new discussion turns out. This is because we have a natural tendency to attribute and impute the content and perceptions of past exchanges with a person into a present situation.

A few months ago, I gave a ride to someone after church. Afterwards, my wife asked me if I had any discussion with the person during the trip. My response?

“What do you think? You thought both of us just sat there mute for 15 minutes?”

Think about that. Her question did not warrant the kind of response I gave. At the root of it was a quick story I must have unconsciously told myself between her question and my response.

“Why is she asking me this question? Why does she care about whether or not we spoke? She assumed I didn’t speak to him and was trying to say I should have. That’s another way she’s trying to control what I do. She always wants to be in control!”

While I didn’t actually go through this “story” in my head before responding, experts tell us that’s exactly what we do. In their best-selling book, Crucial Conversations, the authors assert that we tell ourselves stories such as these, sometimes in the twinkle of an eye. To help in these situations, they recommend that you calm down and get back to the actual facts, instead of these made-up stories.

Avoid the Fool’s Choice

In the same book, a Crucial Conversation is defined as one in which the stakes are high, there are differences of opinion and emotions are strong. Researches done by the authors revealed that many of us believe that we only have two choices on how to approach these conversations: speak up and ruin the relationship or be quiet and suffer in silence. They call these the Fool’s Choice. Their recommendation is to avoid it.

It is possible to be both honest and respectful when confronted with these challenging situations. When we learn to find a way to get all relevant information in the open from both sides of an argument, we get better at handing these difficult discussions. When we learn to get away from wanting to be right, to focusing on what the relationship means to us, we can turn an adversary into a friend. These are skills that can be learned, and it will do us a whole world of good to work hard at acquiring them.

As we saw with Jack, leaders are often usually tasked with having these difficult discussions. How we approach them could go a long way to determine the outcome of such discussions. It could be the difference between keeping a valuable team member and scurrying to find a replacement.