Sweating Bullets!

Photo courtesy of Travis Gergen

A few years ago, the following conversation ensued between me and a colleague at work.

Me: Hi Kate! I’ve not seen you in about a month. You must have been traveling.

Kate: Yes, I was at three of our plant locations this past month.

Me: Really! What were you doing?

Kate: I had to deliver customer service training to groups in those places.

Me: How did they go?

Kate: Awful! I was so nervous I was sweating bullets!

Me: That’s interesting! But you’ve been doing those training sessions for a few years now. I thought you’d be used to it by now.

Kate: No! There’s no getting used to this for me. Each time I’ve had to stand in front of a group of people and speak, I get very anxious and nervous. Sometimes, I even start foaming at the mouth as I sweat profusely.

Me: I can relate. In fact, I had the same fear years ago. But after attending a Public Speaking seminar and getting a lot of practice through Toastmasters, I have become much better over the years.

Kate: Much better?! You’re very good! I’ve heard you speak to different groups a few times. It seems so natural for you.

Me: Yes, I’m more comfortable speaking in public now. And the same can be true for you. It’s a skill that can be learned and developed. I’m a living example. I remember how fast my heart used to beat, with just the thought of speaking in front of 5 people. But that’s not the case anymore.

Kate: I don’t think I can overcome this! As you said, I’ve been doing this training for years; I know the material very well. Still, I get very nervous each time I have to deliver it. Do you know that sometimes when I do the training over the phone, I still get as nervous as when I do it in person?

Me: Trust me, Kate. You can overcome this. I think you just need some training and practice to get you started.

Kate: I don’t think so, Sunny!

As you read this exchange between Kate and I, what’s going on in your mind? Do you see yourself in Kate’s shoes? Are you thinking that this fear is not one you can overcome? I assure you — you can!

You can learn the skills needed to speak in front of a group of people without wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole! All you need is the willingness to learn.

So, what do you do to cure your glossophobia tendencies? Here are five simple steps.

1. Optimism is essential. You must first believe that you can do this. If you continue to tell yourself that you can’t, that’s exactly what will happen.
2. Organize your thoughts and your message. Thinking is becoming a lost art. Many of us barely give more than a fleeting thought to anything these days. Think about your message and organize the contents in a logical fashion.
3. Write down the key points. Ensure that one point logically flows into the next. Use stories and examples to illustrate each point. People remember better with stories. You do not want to write out your entire speech and memorize it. That’s a bad idea!
4. Practice, practice, practice! I cannot emphasize this enough. Practice your speech out loud, and time it. You do not want to exceed time limits. Practice until your message flows well and you can deliver it within the given timeframe.
5. Breathe! As you practice, remember to pay attention to your breathing. Most beginning speakers are out of breath after the first few sentences because they forget to breathe.

Remember that when it comes to overcoming the fear of public speaking, constant practice is important. This is a skill that is best learned by doing it. The more you speak in front of people, the more comfortable you will be. As you do, you get better each time. And it will greatly boost your confidence.

Finally, search for local Toastmasters clubs near your home or work, and join one. This will give you myriad of opportunities for ongoing practice and feedback. Use the recommendations as you prepare for your next speech.

Over the last six years, I have seen many people overcome their fears of public speaking.

You can do it too!

Why Leaders Need Short Memory

When it’s difficult to forget

As a web designer, Matt was passionate about his job. He loved what he did. He’s willing to give his best every time. And he delivered too! He was one of the better performers on the team. If you want top notch work, you need him on your team.

But suddenly, things seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. This once very productive and engaged employee has turned into a shadow of his old self. His morale is shattered. He now dreads getting up to go to work each day. The love for what he does has gone cold. He could no longer give his best. His productivity is suffering.

Hold on a second! How did we get here? To understand this, let’s back up a little.

Although Matt delivered on the job, he also came with some baggage. He was a little rough around the edges. He would do a good job, but the way he did it rubbed many on the teams the wrong way. His approach could be seen as abrasive at times. Matt didn’t see it that way. He thought people should be able to hear the truth told to them even if it hurts. He didn't see eye to eye on this issue with Jenny, his manager.

But that was a long time ago. After years of feedback and coaching, Matt has come around and you can now see definite signs of improvement. He’s not completely there yet, but you could see the effort and the progress he’s making.

However, that’s not good enough for Jenny. How could she just forget the past? She knew what this guy was like! And no matter what change she may be seeing now, her already-formed opinion remains.

Jenny believes that a leopard never changes its spots. So she knows that whatever improvements she's seen in Matt are not real. Even when others who used to complain about Matt told her about the positive changes they’ve seen, she simply explained them away. After all, people don’t change!

This attitude irks Matt.

What more do I need to do? I listened to what they told me! I’ve tried to change because of all the feedback and coaching I’ve received. Still, it’s not enough! I’m tired!

As a result, they continue to butt heads. With the prolonged, ongoing confrontation with Jenny, Matt’s motivation took a nose dive. His performance started to falter. He simply hated the environment in which he now has to work. He now had to drag himself out of bed each morning.

As Jenny began to notice the change in Matt’s performance, it only reinforced the negative perception she already had about him.

Now he’s gone from being difficult to work with to downright incompetent!

What happened? This was someone who was very good at what he does. How did he suddenly become inept at doing the same job? His job responsibilities haven’t changed, so what changed? What happened to this once engaged, high performer?

Jenny started thinking of how to get rid of Matt. But before she could make a move, Matt resigned. He took another job where his zeal and enthusiasm returned. And he returned to being a good performer.

Team leaders and supervisors need very short memory when it comes to areas where their people need to improve. That’s especially true when you see them making the effort towards positive change. We need to nurture and encourage them. We should reward and recognize them for the change, even if it’s baby steps.

I understand that this is not natural for many of us. But as leaders, we need to work at it. We need a change from this natural tendency. If we don’t, and we allow past experiences to discolor present reality, we may end up losing valuable people.

If we don’t, our organizations and teams will be the worse for it.

Getting them to Agree

Make the changes that many will buy into.

Times are changing at Yamuka Corporation. Once the beacon of internet search engines, recent start-ups have eaten deep into its sources of revenue. As income has dried up, deep cuts are desperately needed.

One bright Monday morning, Erika arrived at work to find an email from the company’s CFO in her inbox. Extra hands are needed on deck, so 12-hour work days are now mandatory for everyone, including weekends. To ensure that people are available when needed, every employee will now be required to carry a pager. Once paged, they need to be in the office or log onto the company network within a half hour.

Erika was mad. She fumed as she silently contemplated the situation.

This isn’t what I signed up for! I have a life. I have a husband and two little children who need me. How can they just increase my workload by 50% overnight? And a pager? Why don’t they just put a leash around my neck? I’ll have to look for another job.

During the few minutes that followed, she thought about her strategy for job-hunting. She would spend some time to search for opening while at work, and apply to the ones that fit once she gets home.

Let’s face it. It’s a fact that most organizations go through cycles of good and bad fortunes. But only the ones that are nimble and able to respond fast to changing economic environments are able to weather the storm.

Many organizations lose valuable employees because of the way much needed changes are implemented. Here’s a few tips on what works.

Wisdom in Numbers

When changes are necessary in most organizations, the top executives would usually put together a team of top leaders to figure out what needs to be done. Typically, this team spans the functions on the organization for a balanced representation. Despite this approach, the ideas gathered by the team may not be representative of the entire organization. This is because not many of these leaders reach deep within their functional areas to poll for ideas. As a result, many good ideas are left uncovered.

In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, James Surowiecki told the story of a country fair in which those in attendance were asked to guess the weight of a slaughtered ox. After the roughly 800 responses were averaged, it came to 1,197 lbs. When the ox was actually weighed, it came in at 1,198 lbs. This is just one of the many case studies and anecdotes that the author used to show that the aggregation of information in groups frequently results in decisions that are often better than could have been made by any single member of the group.

When organizations poll many, instead of a privileged (or top) few to effect changes, there’s the likelihood that a much better decision will result.

Change is Coming

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating requesting inputs from everyone ad infinitum in order to please everybody. That doesn’t add value and it may end up paralyzing the decision-making process. You simply cannot please everyone.

However, when inputs are requested from the entire organization, it serves as an informal notice to people that changes are on the way. It helps to prepare them for the final decision so it doesn’t come as a shock.

With today’s technology, this is very easy to do. Many organizations now use workplace social networking platforms such as Yammer. With such tools, it’s easy to poll for ideas from the entire organization by asking a simple question. Employees can use such a platform to present ideas while others would see them and post questions and/or add inputs to further refine those ideas.

Choice is Key

Another benefit of asking for ideas is that you’re telling everyone that several choices are being considered. It tells them that they potentially have a say in the final decision. Having the choice to decide something that affects us means a lot.

Think about it. How do you typically respond when people try to compel you to do something? Your natural reaction is to resist. As humans, we have this deep desire to retain our will. In fact, the history of civilization shows that we’d rather lose our lives than surrender our freedom. We’ve been known to go to war over even a small infringement on our freedom. The story of the American Revolution drives that point home for us.

Peter Block said, “Your ‘yes’ means nothing if you can’t say ‘no’. There can be no commitment if there’s no choice.”

When you ask people for their inputs into a decision-making process, you’re giving them the chance to say “no” to other ideas. But when you legislate what must be done, you may end up the way of Yamuka Corporation and lose your most valuable people.

Difficult Discussions

When conversations turn ugly, you don’t have to.

Have you ever disagreed with someone on a topic that you cared about? The conversation may have started innocently enough, but before you know it, tempers flare up and the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention. As adrenalin pumps into your bloodstream, what started as a harmless discussion is about to take an ugly turn into a full-blown war!

This was the scenario in which Sam and Jack found themselves. It was time for the annual end-of-year performance review. Sam was discussing how he had performed over the past year with Jack, his boss. Jack knew that Sam was an exceptional employee and a valuable member of his team. He had been consistent in delivering results over the years. This time however, the discussion went south very quickly. Sam felt under-appreciated by Jack’s comments. There were disagreements on how the results Sam delivered during the past year had helped the business. At the end, Sam stormed out of the meeting room. Two months later, he sent in his resignation. Jack had lost a valuable resource.

When conversations get to the stage described above, many of us are no longer listening to the other person. We are thinking about how to respond and refute whatever we’re hearing. Or not hearing. Acclaimed author and leadership expert, Stephen R. Covey said,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

This is truer when conversations become difficult. When we are in this mode, we miss important details that could have steered the exchange away from troubled waters.

Assumptions, Motives & Intent

More often than not, our frames of mind do a lot to influence how we respond during these difficult discussions. If we believe that the other person is not acting with our best interest, the natural reaction is to defend our turf. Unconsciously, we attribute unholy motives to whatever our senses pick up.

An innocent comment such as “you sure do look good today” could generate responses ranging from, “Thank you; that’s so nice of you!” to “What do you mean I look good today?! Are you saying I don’t look good on other days?” and everything in-between. In today’s culture, this may even result in sexual harassment accusations if it involves people of opposite sexes, especially if the relationship is not one of mutual trust.

Instead of attributing the worst of motives, it’s always good to assume positive intent. Until proven otherwise, why don’t you assume that what you’re seeing and hearing are done with the best of intentions? This could really help, particularly in situations where those assumptions eventually turn out to be wrong.

The Past Comes to Play

In other situations, prior interactions with the other person could affect how a new discussion turns out. This is because we have a natural tendency to attribute and impute the content and perceptions of past exchanges with a person into a present situation.

A few months ago, I gave a ride to someone after church. Afterwards, my wife asked me if I had any discussion with the person during the trip. My response?

“What do you think? You thought both of us just sat there mute for 15 minutes?”

Think about that. Her question did not warrant the kind of response I gave. At the root of it was a quick story I must have unconsciously told myself between her question and my response.

“Why is she asking me this question? Why does she care about whether or not we spoke? She assumed I didn’t speak to him and was trying to say I should have. That’s another way she’s trying to control what I do. She always wants to be in control!”

While I didn’t actually go through this “story” in my head before responding, experts tell us that’s exactly what we do. In their best-selling book, Crucial Conversations, the authors assert that we tell ourselves stories such as these, sometimes in the twinkle of an eye. To help in these situations, they recommend that you calm down and get back to the actual facts, instead of these made-up stories.

Avoid the Fool’s Choice

In the same book, a Crucial Conversation is defined as one in which the stakes are high, there are differences of opinion and emotions are strong. Researches done by the authors revealed that many of us believe that we only have two choices on how to approach these conversations: speak up and ruin the relationship or be quiet and suffer in silence. They call these the Fool’s Choice. Their recommendation is to avoid it.

It is possible to be both honest and respectful when confronted with these challenging situations. When we learn to find a way to get all relevant information in the open from both sides of an argument, we get better at handing these difficult discussions. When we learn to get away from wanting to be right, to focusing on what the relationship means to us, we can turn an adversary into a friend. These are skills that can be learned, and it will do us a whole world of good to work hard at acquiring them.

As we saw with Jack, leaders are often usually tasked with having these difficult discussions. How we approach them could go a long way to determine the outcome of such discussions. It could be the difference between keeping a valuable team member and scurrying to find a replacement.

Difficult but Necessary

Providing honest and constructive feedback is no easy task, but it must be done.

In the January 2013 blog post, I wrote about my colleague who didn't react well to my telling him about how some of his actions may be affecting his credibility. Because of the way he responded, I was left wondering if I would ever approach him to provide any kind of feedback in the future. It's difficult, especially when I have an idea of what his potential reaction would be. However, if I truly care about him, I shouldn't allow the way he responded the first time to dictate whether or not I would approach him to provide another feedback that is deemed necessary.

Giving feedback about areas of improvement can be difficult because the act is usually met with resistance and defensiveness. While the possible response of the receiver of the feedback shouldn't be a factor, more often than not, it is. There’s a level of apprehension involved because most of us do not like to hurt other people’s feelings. But looking at the benefits of the act could be beneficial, and may help to dull the impact of  whatever potential backlash may result.

In his blog post, Don't Be Nice; Be Helpful, Peter Bregman wrote about how providing feedback to one another helps us be aware of our blind spots. We all have these blind spots, and it takes others to help us see them. That’s why they’re called blind spots. Bregman wrote:

“Giving people feedback is an act of trust and confidence. It shows that you believe in their ability to change. That you believe they will use the information to become better. And that you have faith in their potential.”

We should not be concerned about how the feedback will be received. We should focus on the fact that giving feedback is providing the needed help to the recipient, whether they realize it or not.

One of the key leadership skills that Toastmasters International helps to develop is that of providing feedback. Everything that is done in the course of a Toastmasters meeting is evaluated on the spot. Members provide evaluations in what is called a "sandwich approach". You start with something positive to encourage the member to continue doing. This is followed by a suggestion for improvement. You end the evaluation with another positive thing that you observe. This communicates the fact that feedback doesn't have to be all bad news. No matter how bad someone is, there are some good attributes and traits that could be praised and encouraged.

As we seek to give feedback, when we do it is as important as how it’s done. The recipient’s mood and frame of mind at the time is critical. It’s true that some people are never in a good mood to receive feedback. They will automatically go on the defensive when what they perceive as an attack comes. However, this should not deter us.

Sometimes, dealing with personal issues or struggles would make a person have a short fuse. You become impatient and unwilling to listen to any words of wisdom that could be beneficial. Rationality goes out the windows, and you don’t think straight. Not too long ago, I was about to give a friend feedback on the importance of keeping promises and delivering on commitments. But I stopped when I found out that he was going through a very rough time. Instead, we talked about the issues he was experiencing and I was able to offer some encouragement.

In one of the comments posted on the January blog post I mentioned earlier, Esther stated that “it is important to first build a relationship with someone ... Such relationship sets the ground for mutual trust and increases the chances of the criticism being received in good faith.”

I agree. Without a relationship built on trust, it’s difficult for feedback to be received. The same is true for giving feedback. No rational person gives feedback to someone they don’t know just out of the blue. It’s even odd to give it to someone that’s just an acquaintance. Providing feedback suggests a level of knowledge of the behavior that’s more than just casual. The behavior must have been observed repeatedly.

Finally, feedback is incomplete when it only points out what someone needs to do better. It’s helpful to also offer specific, actionable steps that could be valuable. This is another way in which you show that the motivation for giving the feedback is to be helpful. When you point out areas of improvement, and offer concrete steps for getting it done, you may not just be helping someone.

You could be gaining a friend for a lifetime.

A Gift Worth Receiving

Do you respond or react to feedback?

Years ago, I had a colleague who was always quick to volunteer for tasks and quicker to commit to deadlines for the completion of those tasks. But most of the time, he didn't deliver on his promises. Over a period of about 15 months, some of the commitments he made (and didn't deliver on) affected me, mostly because I had to pick up the slack. So I decided to speak to him about it.

I called him into a private meeting and told him how much I loved his enthusiasm for getting things done, but wondered if he was taking on too many things at the same time. I gave him three instances over the previous year that he was not able to deliver by the deadlines that he committed to, without even trying to re-negotiate those deadlines. I explained how this could affect his credibility as a person and that people could easily misjudge his intention as a result of his actions.

Bruised Egos

Let me pause here to say that it can be difficult to receive negative feedback without being defensive. As humans, we don’t like someone telling us what we’re not doing well. It bruises our egos. And that’s true even if we already know that we have opportunities to improve in those areas.

Let's get back to my colleague. While he thanked me for taking the time to discuss this with him, I could tell that he didn't like what just happened. During the half-hour discussion, he used the phrase, “I take an exception to that” at least twice. He also asked me what right I had to come to him with “accusations” that had no basis. I wasn't his boss, and had no other motive for telling him what I observed, than the concern for the damage to his reputation. He didn't seem to see it that way, however. I left the room wondering if I would ever approach him to discuss anything like that again.

Ask For It

Receiving negative feedback stings, especially when it’s coming from someone that we think has no business giving us such feedback. Our defenses come up against this unwelcomed interference that’s dealing blows to our egos. Early in my career, I was one of those who responded very poorly to receiving such feedback. Much later, I saw that the feedback I was receiving were to my benefit. I realized that those giving me the feedback were not doing it just to frustrate me or make me mad. They were doing it in my best interests! So to take the sting out, I decided to go on the offensive.

When I was a project manager, I started the practice of asking for specific feedback from my project teams, customers, vendors and all others that I had contact with, in the course of executing a project. At the end of each project, I would send each of these people a questionnaire to provide me feedback on how I performed as I led the project. I called it "Stakeholder Feedback". The last question is the only one for which they needed to actually formulate a response, and not just check a box. I ask them, “In your opinion, in what specific ways could I have done a better job while managing this project?” By doing this, I was giving them permission to provide me the kind of feedback that could help me get better. This helped, especially in situations where they had something to say, but were reluctant to do so. It also removed the sting that would have otherwise come from the feedback if it was unsolicited. Over the years, this practice has helped me to be more gracious in receiving constructive feedback, even when I didn't ask for it.

Be Humble in Receiving

Whether solicited or not, receiving negative feedback is not easy. Lashing out or becoming defensive is the natural response of the human nature. First of all, it’s good to make a prior decision not to respond in this manner. Next, you need to continually remind yourself of this decision because you can easily forget in the heat of battle. Finally, carry it through. Whether or not the “attack” is justified, hear the person out.

Leaders especially need to be careful when they ask for feedback. Ensure that you truly mean it, and not paying lip service to your request for true constructive feedback. Those you lead will know if you’re a phony right away. I used to be part of a team where the leadership talked about having an open door policy, and admonished the team to have the courage speak up. But any voice of dissent was quickly silenced. They didn't listen and internalize what they heard before responding. The result was that many who had real, helpful feedback kept quiet, and said nothing.

Give Thanks

Irrespective of how ridiculous the feedback seems, or how angry you are at the time of receiving it, thank the person for having the courage to speak up. This is especially true if they're not in a position of authority over you. Let them know how much you appreciate the fact that they have your best interests at heart. Take a few days to think about it, and if necessary, approach them later to ask clarifying questions. As you do this, you are demonstrating that you are coach-able, and will listen. In many cases however, feedback tells you more about the person giving it than about you.