Better Than Gold

I’m certain that you’ve heard of the golden rule. You have, haven’t you? Yes, I’m sure you have.

Do to others what you would have them do to you.

What may be less known is that the golden rule was supposed to be an upgrade of another rule called the Silver Rule. Some refer to it as the Silver Rule of Confucianism, most likely to specify its source.

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician who lived around 500 BC. His silver rule - “Don’t do to others, what you don’t want done to you” - was meant to prevent people from doing bad things to others. In the March 14, 2022 edition of this newsletter, I wrote that the silver rule is a passive and lazy rule because it doesn’t require action.

About 500 years after Confucius, Jesus Christ appeared on the scene and gave us the golden rule which requires action and proactive behavior. It prompts you to act positively and demands that you’re socially responsible. It encourages you to do for people, the same good and positive things you would like to receive from others.

This is a good thing, right?

Yes, it is, but it still poses an important dilemma.

How do you know if others would want or appreciate the good and positive things you want for yourself? You may be wondering why someone would not want something good, but good to whom? Whose definition of good should we go with?

Yours or theirs?

What is desirable to you may not be something another person wants. It reminds me of an experience I had almost 20 years ago after I was promoted to lead a team of engineers as a project manager. I thought I was doing something good for the lead engineer on one of my projects when I began to share with him what he needed for him to get a similar promotion.

His response surprised me.

He told me he didn’t want a position that would require him to lead teams. He said he was content with where he was. I was trying to get him something that I thought was good, but he didn’t see it the same way.

This is where I think the Platinum Rule enhances the golden rule.

In their book appropriately titled, The Platinum Rule, Michael O'Connor and Tony Alessandra make a strong case for us to “Do unto others as they would like done unto them.” This is about doing for others what they want done for them and not what I think they would want done for them. It’s about helping them to become who they want to be and not about helping them to become who I want them to be.

So, what does this mean for us?

It means we don’t make assumptions that what’s good for us is good for others. It means asking them what good we can do for them and then helping them to accomplish it, if we have the means to do so. In doing so, we become true partners in their progress.

In whose progress will you be a partner this week?

Humankindness

Luke and Jessie owned a beautiful home in Fort Myers, Florida. When Hurricane Ian hit more than a month ago, their entire neighborhood was flooded. For several days, more than two feet of standing water was in their home. Very few of the houses in southwestern Florida were spared in the devastation.

After the water receded, it left behind much destruction in its wake -damaged home appliances, soaked walls, and furniture busted beyond repair. The couple’s lives have been turned upside down but they had no time to mourn. A cleanup of the mess left behind must be done quickly to ensure that whatever can be redeemed in the structure of the house is preserved.

That's when Seth (not his real name) offered his services. He is the boyfriend of Jessie's niece, so he's well-known to the family. He offered to help Luke and Jessie move their damaged furniture and appliances from inside the house to the curb in front of their home.

For a fee of US$5,000.

Yes, you read that right! And I'm not making this up. I heard this from the horse's mouth. Well, from Luke's mouth.

He simply couldn't believe it. Someone he considered a close friend tried to take advantage of their predicament in order to make a quick buck.

In addition, Luke told me that Seth had offered to bring three of his friends and the four of them would work together would tear out and remove all the damaged walls in the house. This applies to the portion of every wall in the house up to four feet high from the floor. He proposed to do the work at the rate of US$100 per hour per person. For the four of them, that comes to US$400 per hour.

I did some math to estimate how much this would have cost.

I was there when everything damaged in the house was torn down and hauled out and it was a lot of work. My estimate is that it took 19 people about 7 hours over a period of two days to get the work done. That's a total of about 133 man-hours. At the rate Seth was asking for, this would have cost US$13,300.

Jessie also told me that an insurance adjuster had earlier approached them and told them that it would cost about US$80,000 to fix everything that had been damaged. The guy also wanted an immediate down payment of US$20,000 before any work would start.

As I listened to what this couple and their three little kids had endured within the span of three weeks, beginning with the devastation by the hurricane, it occurred to me that there are many others like them. And in situations like this, you would always find vultures who are circling overhead to pick apart the vulnerable.

I couldn't help but marvel at how the mind of a depraved human being works. It never ceases to amaze me.

Still, what I find comforting is that in the same space where you come across selfish and self-serving folks such as Seth, you also find people who are completely selfless and willing to do all that they can. There are those eager to serve and lend a helping hand to people in need without demanding any compensation.

Over a nine-day period, I spent time with a team of people who spent their own money, and time, in addition to sacrificing more than a week of their lives to help complete strangers like Luke and Jessie, among others. I'll be writing about the sacrifices some of these made people soon.

For now, it would be good for you and me to do some serious soul-searching. I think it’s easy for us to condemn Seth as a fortune-seeking scoundrel who is trying to take advantage of people in desperate situations.

But I wonder - do we engage in similar practices?

Do I try to exploit others who are in dire straits and who need urgent help? Do you?

Do you raise your prices when there's a high demand for your products and services, especially when those in need of those products and services had been hit with unforeseen calamities they couldn't have prepared for? Some of us choose to hide behind the law of supply and demand, but we know what this truly is - exploitation.

But I think we can be better. I believe there's a reason why we cannot spell humankind without the "kind" at the end of it. It’s time we put kind back into humankind.

It's time for more humankindness.

Silver or Gold

Have you heard of the Silver Rule?

You probably know about the Golden Rule. It's more popular than its "Silver" cousin.

The Golden Rule says to do to others what you would have them do to you.

The Silver Rule on the other hands says "what you do not want done to you, do not do to others."

Some equate these two. They think the silver rule and the golden rule are essentially the same.

I beg to differ.

The Silver Rule is a negative opposite of the Golden Rule. It's the idea that if you know something would cause someone pain, you shouldn't do that thing to them. That sounds reasonable, isn't it?

Well, if you take a close look, the Silver Rule doesn't require you to do anything. It’s lazy. It's passive. Yes, it asks you to withhold negative action. But it requires no positive action.

The fact is that most people would not intentionally cause someone pain. Apart from the psychopath or the criminally-minded, it's rare to find someone who would seek to deliberately do terrible things to other people.

We would readily, even if unconsciously, acquiesce to the dictates of the silver rule. What doesn't come natural for us is to actively seek to do good for others. In contrast, that's what the golden rule prescribes.

The golden rule requires proactive behavior. It prompts you to act positively. It demands that you're socially responsible, which is not natural for many of us.

Our natural inclination is to be selfish and self-serving. It's ingrained in us to choose our own best interests rather than seeking those of others. It's all about us and our needs; everyone else be damned. The current war in Ukraine is an example of what happens when this idea is taken to its illogical and irrational extents.

It just doesn't make sense.

Yet, we're called to something higher; something better. To live a thriving life is to seek a thriving life for others. To live a flourishing life is to have a self-giving existence.

Being socially responsible doesn't mean you have to do something significant. It just needs to be meaningful. It doesn't need to cost you a ton. It only requires you to be self-giving; to be intentional.

So, in what self-giving act will you engage this week?

To whom will you intentionally add value today?

My good neighbor

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

After being out of town for a few weekends in a row, I finally found myself back home to engage in one of my Saturday rituals. Well, I guess it's not really a ritual. It's really a have-to-do kind of thing.

Mowing the lawn.

Since all my boys are no longer at home (my wife and I had just shipped my last "lawn mower" away to NYU for grad school), I donned my face mask to get to work. By the way, I've been wearing those face coverings long before COVID-19 turned them into a popular fashion item (due to having grass allergies - whoever heard of such a thing?!)

Once again, I digress! 😀

Just as I fired up the lawn mower and began chewing up the grass, I noticed that my neighbor across the street was outside doing something similar. His son was mowing the lawn while he was trimming the edges. As I saw him trimmed, I thought of how meticulously straight and clean he had always kept the edges of his lawn.

I also remembered that I need to do a better job of trimming mine.

Before you could say grass muncher, I saw him cross the street and without saying a word (not that I could hear him over the roar of the lawn mower anyway), he started trimming the edge of my lawn. I stopped the noisy machine, walked over, smiled and said thank you. Then I returned to mowing the grass.

I thought he was just going to trim the edge of my lawn which is directly across the street from his home. He obviously got tired of looking at the crooked edge of that side of my lawn from his front yard - that's what I thought.

Well, I was shocked when he went around every edge of my lawn to trim them - even those edges on the other side of the house that he could never see from his house.

And when he was done, I found out he wasn't really done. He grabbed his leaf blower and started blowing away the debris left from my lawn trimmings until the blower battery ran out.

I was beyond grateful. He had done abundantly above what I could have asked. And I didn't even ask! He knew what I needed, and he came to deliver.

Before he came to help, I was already contemplating doing the trimming the next day or maybe wait another day to take advantage of Monday's holiday to get it done. But my good neighbor took that load off me.

It was a big indescribable relief.

When he was done, I walked over to tell him he had no idea how much load he had taken off me. He simply smiled. His actions not only helped me in the short-term, it was also so well done that it will take minimal effort from me to maintain them that way.

My neighbor delivered help that I sorely needed, but did not ask. He saw that I needed the help, and just offered it.

When was the last time you offered a much needed help to your neighbor? Or a friend. Or an acquaintance. Or a member of your team.

Did you wait for them to ask? Or do you pay attention to what's going on and then offer the help because you saw the need?

I'm ashamed to admit it, but there are times when I've been so self-absorbed and pre-occupied that I don't see the opportunity to offer help even when it's staring me down. Maybe that's happened to you also.

Most of us live such fast-paced lives that we don't slow down enough to see where our skills, passions and resources can help another person. In so doing, we miss countless opportunities to make a difference and add value to others.

Would you slow down this weekend? Would you lift up your head, look around you and see where you could offer help to your neighbor?

As a leader, this neighbor could be a member of your team. It may also be someone on another team. It could be someone nearby. It might be another not in close proximity.

Since we now live in a global village, your neighbor is not limited to someone who's just a few feet away. Someone could be thousands of miles away and be your neighbor because they have a need that you can do something about.

Kindness is not limited by distance. No matter far away the intended recipient is, your gesture of goodwill can reach them.

Let your goodwill traverse great interspaces.

Encouragement, not hatred

I saw something on the newsreel yesterday which caused my heart to ache. And it's not okay. It's simply not okay.

Sloane Stephens is a 28-year old American tennis player. Last Friday, she lost her third round match at the US open. A day later, she shared on Instagram that she had received more than 2,000 abusive messages and comments on her Instagram profile from people who are upset about the loss.

Photo by Nicole Wilcox on Unsplash

I saw a few of those hate-filled messages, and they made my blood boil. Some of them are so disgusting I won't dignify them by reprinting them here.

While I can understand the feelings of perplexity and helplessness accompanying the defeat of one's favorite sports team or player, I still don't get the reasons some people go to the extent of directing abusive messages to the players. These people need to get a life!

Do they think Stephens intentionally threw the game and lost it just to play with their emotions? This sport is her life. She has dedicated her life to tennis and has been playing the game since she was nine years old.

And when you think about it, she lost the game to another player that's currently ranked higher. A win for her in that match would have been considered an upset. But these bozos did not think about that. In fact, they do not think!

That's why I know that the people sending hate at her for the loss are simply inconsequential people who are looking for significance in their lives. Unfortunately, they're looking for it in the wrong places. They will never find it.

Their lives are full of hatred, so they spew hate with impunity at the slightest opportunity. I'm so glad with how Sloane Stephens responded - with so much class. Here's a portion of her response:

This type of hate is so exhausting and never-ending. This isn’t talked about enough, but it really freaking sucks. I’m happy to have people in my corner who support me. I’m choosing positive vibes over negative ones. I choose to show you guys happiness on here, but it’s not always smiles and roses.

I hope we can learn to respond with such grace and class when we're attacked for no reason, instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to offenses. Granted that you and I may not have the popularity of Sloane Stephens, so our attacks may not be that public. Still, we can learn a thing or two from her gracious response.

More importantly, we need to extend grace to people who disappoint us. For many of us sports fanatics, we must remember that the games come with win-loss propositions.

Players and teams usually engage in sporting activities to win. I think this is their intention most of the time. If they lose, they're most likely already beating themselves up for it. We shouldn't pile on the misery with hatred retorts. If anything, we should shower them with encouragement.

Still, the reasons we stoop low to behaviors which denigrates and disparages those we should be encouraging continues to baffle me.

Why do you think we do this? Drop your comments below.