Early Arrival

Is someone waiting for you?

Oliver has a habit of arriving late for almost every meeting. His tardiness ranged anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes. Sometimes, he doesn't show up at all. Each time, he would apologize for being late. He also has a very good reason every time.

“My last meeting ran over time.”

“Someone with an urgent need stopped me on the way here.”

"I was busy and lost track of the time."

What Oliver doesn't realize is how this behavior is perceived by those waiting on him for meetings to begin. Regardless of how good his reasons are for being late, many now recognizes it as a habit for him. It has become a part how people see him.

For those who work with the perpetual late comer, this is what his tardiness communicates to them:

He doesn’t care about my time

He doesn’t respect me

He feels he’s more important than the rest of us

I can't rely on him

A few months ago, I was waiting to get into an elevator when a group of friends passed by. I heard one of them say, “I’m always late. It’s the story of my life". Then, they started laughing about it.

But this is no laughing matter. It shows an absolute lack of respect for the people waiting for you.

I used to attend a church where everything starts 5 minutes early. Six o’clock in the evening means 5:55 pm. If you arrive at 5:56 pm, you’re late. In a school that was part of the church ministry, classroom doors are locked at 5 minutes before the time. This was done so that people would cultivate the habit of arriving early for meetings and other appointments.

Not too long ago, I had a meeting with another leader who explained why she strives to be on time at every meeting. She said, “Their time is valuable; my time is valuable”.

Some don't see it that way. There are leaders who see it as badge of honor that people are waiting for them. Maybe this feeds their egos. Maybe they’re just not aware of how the behavior comes across to others. No matter what it is, it may be a good idea for them to rethink the issue.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should never be late. That’s impossible even with the best of intentions. Circumstances can conspire to delay your on-time arrival at times. Where it turns into a problem is when it becomes a habit. When people can predict with some high accuracy that you will be late, that you’re always late, this is not a good sign. They will start to feel that you're not reliable. It begins to affect your integrity.

If you are conscientious about always being on time, what’s your usual response in those few instances when you're late?

Those meticulous about keeping to time will realize that they won’t make the meeting on time, before the agreed time. So, they reach out ahead of time to inform the other party or parties of the situation, and why they won’t make it on time. Because they take psychological ownership for anything they commit to, they also feel emotionally bound to follow them through to completion. They know that their good name and reputation depends on it. They’re not content with just explaining it away. They don't deal with it after the fact. They deal with it before.

But what do you do if you have meetings stacked back-to-back and you find yourself running breathlessly to your next meeting?

Pay attention to how your meetings are scheduled. I know a leader who will not schedule 3 meetings in a row without a break or a “me time” somewhere in between to catch up, reflect on the meetings he has attended and have time to get to the next one.

So, while being late to a meeting might seem of little consequence to me, others could infer my level of integrity from it; especially if the behavior becomes a pattern. I could be seen as unreliable. That’s the reason that, as a leader, I cannot afford to be wishy-washy about delivering on promises, no matter how trivial or casual. And being on time at meetings has an implied promise inherent in it.

My effectiveness as a leader depends on it.

Power Struggle

How do you handle potentially volatile situations?

It's as old as time itself.

We've seen it throughout all generations - from antiquity, through medieval, to modern. From the reign of the Egyptian Pharaohs to the rule of the Roman Emperors. We see it in homes when children rebel against parents. We see the results of it in half of all marriages ending in divorce. We see it in the workplace between bosses and those who work for them. It’s in every area of life.

It's the reason that the United States have been rocked with protests from coast to coast over the last few weeks.

It’s the classic struggle for power and control.

While most of us are aware of the high profile incidents that resulted in the deaths of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, Eric Garner in New York and 12-year-old Tamir Rice in Cleveland, there are a number of others that are not as popular.

Peter Liang, an NYPD rookie police officer shot and killed Akai Gurley on Nov. 20, 2014 in Brooklyn. This did not make national headlines probably because the family asked Al Sharpton to stay away.

Just 10 days after Brown was killed, a witness captured on video, the shooting death of 25-year-old Kajieme Powell by two St. Louis police officers outside a convenience store. Then, there’s the video footage of a girl being restrained in a choke-hold by a female police officer in Mesa, Arizona.

In many of these cases, those that have power on their side exert their authority by barking out commands or issuing decrees. And they expect nothing short of immediate and unquestioned compliance. I’ll call them the “powerful”. On the other side are those who challenge the authority of the powerful. They don't want to be pushed around. They refuse to comply. They're the “powerless”.

When the two collide, the powerless get the short end of the stick. Lives are lost. Families get devastated. Demonstrations and protests rock a nation.

Which makes me wonder how trivial we treat our most essential possessions. Both the powerful and the powerless treat human lives casually. Sometimes, the powerful demand compliance with whatever order creeps into their heads and threaten punishment for disobedience. The powerless on the other hand play poker with their lives. They challenge the authority of the powerful to dole out punishment.

In a few of the recent police encounters captured on video, you could hear some challenge the officers and dare them to shoot. It’s almost as if they have death wishes. That’s amazing, when you consider the fact that once a life is taken, it cannot be given back. Once destroyed, it cannot be redeemed.

While I’m not advocating blind obedience to every kind of authority, I think it’s important to take a closer look at the situation. The policeman is human. Even though he’s fully trained, you can’t vouch for his state of mind at that specific moment. Or what his experiences have been lately. Did he just have a quarrel with another officer? Or his wife? Is he having some personal issues or struggles? Does he have any prejudices or biases? Maybe. Maybe not.

But what about the experiences and biases on the other side? The perception that you’re a criminal because you’re a black male could be irritating. If not controlled, that irritation could lead to irrational behaviors. Has he been unjustly harassed by a police officer in the past? Did any of his friends or family? Did he keep his cool then, and bottled up his feelings until now? Maybe today is the day he’s chosen to crawl out of his inaction. Today, he will stand his ground.

When neither side considers all the options, and refuses to give the other side some benefit of the doubt, the consequences can be deadly. Some have ended in the most harrowing experiences we've seen recently. Lives pointlessly lost.

You can see the same dynamics at play in the workplace on a daily basis. Yes, it may not be as life-threatening as these police encounters, but it’s equally dangerous. A boss barks out an “order” and demand that things be done his way. Whether or not that furthers the cause of the business is irrelevant. For many of us, we sheepishly comply, probably because we don’t consider the stakes as being high enough for us to take a stand.

Others stand their ground, and go toe-to-toe with the boss for various reasons. Some believe there could be a better way, and they find the best means to convey this. Eventually, they may be able to convince the boss otherwise. Some who also believe in another option go a different route and challenge the boss to a shouting contest. Even though lives may not be lost here, jobs could be. Careers may be ruined. An organization could lose a valuable employee.

What about you? What will you do? Do you have the self-control to restrain yourself and check your impulses even when what you’re experiencing feels unjustified? Can you behave in such a manner that will diffuse a potentially volatile situation? Do you have the skills to influence and change opinions without resorting to violence?

Whether you’re the powerful or the powerless, the boss or the subordinate, it's good to pause. Pause to ponder the situation you’re in. Carefully consider the best way to respond. A lot may be riding on it.

Precious lives may depend on it.

A Piece of Your Mind

Impulsive reactions do more harm than you know

When Mariah arrived at her desk that fateful Wednesday morning, the email was waiting in her Inbox. That was the last thing she wanted to see.

As she continued to read the email that Mike had sent overnight, she got increasingly agitated. With every word, her level of anger climbed a little higher.

Mike should have known better.  How dare he send me such a note?!

By the time she was done reading, the explosions in her head had reached astronomical proportions. She couldn’t contain herself. She was officially pissed.  And she wanted Mike to know how she felt.

I’ll show him who’s the boss!

She hit the Reply button and started pounding away furiously at her keyboard. She kept pouring out all the thoughts flowing through her mind with all the accompanying emotions. She told Mike where to stuff his email and where to jump into. She definitely gave him a piece of her mind. When she was done, she looked at her screen. SHE HAD WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS, in bold, and changed the font color to red. There was a multitude of exclamation points scattered all over the email. She hit Send.

Mariah’s behavior shows what can happen when emotional impulses are not held in check. Such impulses can rage like a wild fire for a brief moment and then dies. But they usually leave a trail of destruction in their wake. Regret is what follows. Ruined lives and careers may result.

People like Mariah have a very low level of Impulse Control. They’re what you would call “hot-headed” or “tempestuous”. Low levels of impulse control manifest themselves as explosive behaviors, impulsiveness, anger control problems and abusiveness, just to name a few.

What is Impulse Control? In their book, The EQ Edge, Steven Stein and Howard Book defined it as “the ability to delay an impulse, drive or temptation to act”. It involves “avoiding rash behaviors and decision-making, being composed and being able to put the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile and irresponsible behaviors”. It is a component of Emotional Intelligence (EI).

People with effective impulse control have the capacity to think first, before acting. They consider all the options, which make them more likely to make better decisions and behave in a more responsible manner.

Others like Mariah don’t seem to act in their own best interests. More importantly, this impulsive tendency shows up in every area of their lives. They make poor decisions when under pressure, spend money unwisely and generally have a very low tolerance for frustration.

A few years ago, my connecting flight at Denver International Airport was cancelled. It was the last flight of the day for the airline into San Francisco. As I was pondering my options, one guy (I’ll call him Joe) walked angrily to the airline agent who just announced the cancellation. He started berating her, telling her how important it was for him to get into San Francisco that night. He was completely out of control, cursing and threatening fire and brimstone.

At the end, Joe stormed off to look for a hotel in which he would spend the night. Those of us who remained calm were eventually re-booked on other airlines. We were able to make it into San Francisco later that night. But not Joe; he spent the night in Denver, probably still cursing under his breath as he slept.

In most instances, lacking effective impulse control is an ill wind that blows no good. You throw tantrums and lash out because you're frustrated. In the end, you still don’t have your way. In fact, you end up losing most of the time.

Because of the unprintable things that Mariah sent to Mike, she lost her job after Mike took her email to Human Resources. The company had zero tolerance policy on such things, especially for those who lead teams.

What about you? How do you respond to frustrating and stressful situations? An old Jewish proverb says that “a fool’s displeasure is known at once, but whoever ignores an insult is sensible”. How effective are you at controlling your impulses?

Like most components of Emotional Intelligence, impulse control can be improved with coaching and guided practice. Reach out for help before it’s too late.

A lot in your future may depend on it.

Mr. Know-It-All

When you’re never wrong.

Photo courtesy of Treza Trisnandhy

No one person knows everything, right?

Not even Watson, the IBM cognitive technology computer that, in 2011, was the hands-down winner on the TV show, Jeopardy!

Well, Watson doesn't even qualify to be in the discussion since it’s not a person.

So, if very few will dispute the fact that no one person on earth knows everything, why then do we sometimes behave as if we do? Let's listen in on this dialogue that took place at a family dinner table.

Dad: What was that you were watching just before coming to dinner?

Son: “Ruthless Violations”

Dad: Isn’t that a bad TV show? Why are you watching it?

Son: I don’t think it’s bad. Have you seen it?

Dad: No, I haven’t. But I’m sure it’s bad. With a name like “Ruthless Violations”, how good can it be?

Son: It’s not really that bad. It was a show originally created by the CVS Network.

Dad: No, it’s not from CVS! It’s a bad show!

Mom: Are you sure it’s not from CVS? You’ve not even checked it yet.

Dad: Yes, I checked it! I know it’s not from CVS.

Mom: How did you know that it’s not from CVS?

Dad: I checked it last week!

Mom: Really?! So you knew that this discussion, about this particular show was going to happen, and you checked it then and could still accurately remember that it’s not from CVS?

Dad: Yes, I remember!

Mom: Are you sure about that? So, there’s not even a remote possibility that you could be wrong?

Dad: No, I’m not wrong! I’m very sure of it!

Finally, mom kept quiet and said nothing more. Later that day, she checked and found that truly, the show was created by CVS. But she said nothing to her husband. She knew him. Saying something will only lead to more arguments, and she didn’t want any more of that.

This slightly modified dialogue from a true-story is not meant to show how bad the make-believe show, “Ruthless Violations” is; nor is it to portray the fictional CVS television network as a good one. The purpose is to highlight this dad's behavior.

Are you like this dad? If you are, allow me to point out three things.

1. You may think you know, but you probably don’t

When you argue in favor of a point without entertaining the fact that you may be wrong, it’s a little disturbing. What you’re saying is that you know all there is to know about that situation or subject. This is highly improbable, even if you are an expert on the subject. Ask yourself the following: could there have been new developments that I’m not aware of? Do I really know all there is about the situation?

What’s more ridiculous is that you don’t just argue this way in areas you consider yourself an expert. You also do it even when you know that the other person you’re arguing with probably knows more than you.

Maybe you don’t realize it, but it seems your goal is just to win the argument. And it doesn't matter that you claim to know what you may not. You take the little you know about the subject, and argue it to its illogical conclusions.

2. You won’t learn

Because you think you’re right, you probably won’t take the time to check out the facts after the argument is over. To you, it’s done with. You’ve won. And that’s what really matters. As a result, you remain in your ignorant state on that subject. You don’t learn.

Someone who wants learn and grow from the experience will try to check the facts once the argument is over. But that’s not you. You don’t need to learn. You know everything!

3. People avoid you

No one would want to talk to you about anything of importance. That’s because they know all they will get from you is more argument. In fact, when they unknowingly say anything that triggers this behavior from you, they quickly recognize the symptom and throw in the towel. They let you win, even if they have facts that dispute your point. They just won’t go there. They avoid you.

So, what can you do?

Resolve to hear the other person out and consider their point of view. Admit you don’t know everything. Even if you do know a lot about the subject, you may still learn something.

Resist the temptation to argue. You already know that you have that tendency. Make a conscious effort not to, even when you’re a hundred percent certain that you’re right.

So, stop it already! If not, you won’t learn a thing about what you don’t know! And you only make people avoid you.

Trust me. I know.

A Losing Team of One

Do you need someone to take the blame?

baseball

Early last month, I made good on a belated birthday gift to my son - a trip to St. Louis for two Cardinals baseball games at Busch Stadium. It was Independence Day weekend, so the stadium was packed beyond capacity for the first game.

Entering the 9th inning, our beloved St. Louis Cardinals were up 3 - 0. The whole place was rocking as the anticipation of another win reached its climax. Then it happened.

The Closer came in to save the game and promptly gave up two runs. With the tying run on base, he finally managed to get the last out. You could hear the collective sigh of relief from the more than 46,000 in attendance. The home team was able to eke out the win, 3 – 2.

As my heart recovered from the emotional roller coaster of the game's final 10 minutes, I suddenly got angry as I heard myself saying,

“This Closer should not get the save for this game! They should consider the manner in which the game is saved before awarding a pitcher the save. But they don’t! Now, he gets credit for a save that he almost blew!”

I was ready to blow a gasket when Paul said,

“Dad, you know it doesn't work that way. It's a team game, and the team awards the ‘Save’ to the pitcher who gets the last out in a close game”.

Yes, I knew that, but I was still mad anyway! Mad that he was awarded the save. Mad that he got the credit for doing a sloppy job.

But that’s the beauty of teamwork, isn't it? It includes everyone. All share in the team’s success and failure. While the performance of just one member may prevent the team from accomplishing its goals, a good team won’t sacrifice the guilty party. It will try to pick up the team member and encourage them to do better next time. That’s what the Cardinals team did after that game.

But that doesn’t happen quite often in other areas of life, especially in business. Typically, the size of the failure determines the consequences. And it could range from a minor reprimand to being fired. The team leader would want to be able to explain to the powers that be, that the culprit has been dealt with. In business, we have a long memory and we need someone to pay. That’s what Wall Street expects when things go wrong.

But can you imagine how this affects the morale of the other team members? The results can be devastating, especially for a team that depends on innovative ideas for its success.

If Jill knows that she will be the sacrificial lamb when she comes up with an idea that backfires and loses money, how willing will she be to take the risk? But that’s what you see in many organizations. No wonder most of these just thread water; they're barely surviving.

Organizations that flourish encourage their people to take risks within the bounds of decency. And they don't punish the risk-takers when things go south. That’s how a business thrives.

Baseball may be about business to the players and team owners, but to the typical fan like me, it’s all about the emotions. The die-hard fan in me still thinks that those who (almost) cost my team a win should not get an undeserved credit. And I was proven right during the next game the following day.

The same closer came into a 5-4 game in the 9th inning, gave up two runs and lost the game for the Cardinals. This time, I blamed the Manager for putting him in the game.

I have to blame someone, don’t I?

Even Paul agreed with me on that.

Resistance is Futile

When they simply refuse to do what they should.

Last month, I wrote about making decisions that others will agree with. Let’s flip it around this month, and take a look at why people resist doing what they should.

Joe* was part of a large project team where multiple contractors were working on different parts of the job. He was responsible for a very small portion and he managed two of the contractors. Each contractor had a group of people working under the directions of a foreman. At the beginning, Joe communicated expectations with the contractors and established a process that everyone agreed will help the work progress smoothly.

After a few days on the job, Mike*, one of the other team leaders came to Joe and told him that one of his foremen was not following the process that had been agreed to. Mike had approached the foreman and had been told bluntly that what he was requesting was more than what was agreed, and that he would not comply. Mike was about to go and report this to the overall leader of the project, but Joe asked him not to do that yet. He asked for time to speak to the foreman.

Interestingly enough, after Joe had a discussion with the foreman, he agreed to do the work that he had earlier told Mike that he would not do.

Why was Joe successful where Mike failed?

In general, why do some people refuse to do what they ought to? Leaders run into this scenario more often than you can imagine. There’s that one employee who just won’t do what is required of him. Parents of teenagers are often in the same situation. Why won’t your son or daughter listen and do something that’s beneficial for them?

On the Spot

In many cases, the approach is the culprit. When someone needs to be set straight, many of us allow our emotions to take over. This is particularly true in cases where we think we had a prior agreement; especially if we are in a position of authority over that person. High on Adrenalin, we often lash out without minding our environment. We do it with coworkers or other people present.

As humans, many of us do not like being put down, especially when others are around. The presence of other people goes a long way to determine how we respond when others talk to us about sensitive issues. We all like to feel important; we want our egos stroked. But when I talk down to you in order to address a situation, the response I get may not be what I had hoped for.

Fight or Flight

One major outcome when we put people on the spot in this manner is that they feel insulted. When we don't allow them to save face, the result is disrespect. Many of us may not think of it this way. We think, if they don’t want to be talked to in a manner they don’t like, they should do what’s expected of them in the first place. While that may be true, it’s always a good idea to imagine the shoe on the other foot.

How would I like it, if someone speaks to me in a disrespectful manner when I do wrong? And I do, do wrong! We all do.

When someone is disrespected, one of two responses is typical: fight or flight. They will either respond in kind or keep quiet. They will return the disrespect or hold it in for fear of the consequences that result from saying something. Neither response is good. Both breed strife; one covertly, the other overtly. Whether this involves a leader with her team members at work, or a parent with her rebellious teenager, relationships could be destroyed.

So what do you do?

The solution is simple. When you have to admonish someone, do it in a private. You don’t want to be seen talking down at somebody, even if you have authority over them; especially if you have authority over them. All you will accomplish is to put more distance between you and them. If you’re angry about the situation, let cooler heads prevail before deciding to discuss the situation.

Even if you’re convinced that they deserve a tongue-lashing, do it in private. That’s one way you can influence them to listen to what you have to say. Give them an opportunity to save face.

Your credibility may depend on it.

*Names have been changed

Getting them to Agree

Make the changes that many will buy into.

Times are changing at Yamuka Corporation. Once the beacon of internet search engines, recent start-ups have eaten deep into its sources of revenue. As income has dried up, deep cuts are desperately needed.

One bright Monday morning, Erika arrived at work to find an email from the company’s CFO in her inbox. Extra hands are needed on deck, so 12-hour work days are now mandatory for everyone, including weekends. To ensure that people are available when needed, every employee will now be required to carry a pager. Once paged, they need to be in the office or log onto the company network within a half hour.

Erika was mad. She fumed as she silently contemplated the situation.

This isn’t what I signed up for! I have a life. I have a husband and two little children who need me. How can they just increase my workload by 50% overnight? And a pager? Why don’t they just put a leash around my neck? I’ll have to look for another job.

During the few minutes that followed, she thought about her strategy for job-hunting. She would spend some time to search for opening while at work, and apply to the ones that fit once she gets home.

Let’s face it. It’s a fact that most organizations go through cycles of good and bad fortunes. But only the ones that are nimble and able to respond fast to changing economic environments are able to weather the storm.

Many organizations lose valuable employees because of the way much needed changes are implemented. Here’s a few tips on what works.

Wisdom in Numbers

When changes are necessary in most organizations, the top executives would usually put together a team of top leaders to figure out what needs to be done. Typically, this team spans the functions on the organization for a balanced representation. Despite this approach, the ideas gathered by the team may not be representative of the entire organization. This is because not many of these leaders reach deep within their functional areas to poll for ideas. As a result, many good ideas are left uncovered.

In his book, The Wisdom of Crowds, James Surowiecki told the story of a country fair in which those in attendance were asked to guess the weight of a slaughtered ox. After the roughly 800 responses were averaged, it came to 1,197 lbs. When the ox was actually weighed, it came in at 1,198 lbs. This is just one of the many case studies and anecdotes that the author used to show that the aggregation of information in groups frequently results in decisions that are often better than could have been made by any single member of the group.

When organizations poll many, instead of a privileged (or top) few to effect changes, there’s the likelihood that a much better decision will result.

Change is Coming

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advocating requesting inputs from everyone ad infinitum in order to please everybody. That doesn’t add value and it may end up paralyzing the decision-making process. You simply cannot please everyone.

However, when inputs are requested from the entire organization, it serves as an informal notice to people that changes are on the way. It helps to prepare them for the final decision so it doesn’t come as a shock.

With today’s technology, this is very easy to do. Many organizations now use workplace social networking platforms such as Yammer. With such tools, it’s easy to poll for ideas from the entire organization by asking a simple question. Employees can use such a platform to present ideas while others would see them and post questions and/or add inputs to further refine those ideas.

Choice is Key

Another benefit of asking for ideas is that you’re telling everyone that several choices are being considered. It tells them that they potentially have a say in the final decision. Having the choice to decide something that affects us means a lot.

Think about it. How do you typically respond when people try to compel you to do something? Your natural reaction is to resist. As humans, we have this deep desire to retain our will. In fact, the history of civilization shows that we’d rather lose our lives than surrender our freedom. We’ve been known to go to war over even a small infringement on our freedom. The story of the American Revolution drives that point home for us.

Peter Block said, “Your ‘yes’ means nothing if you can’t say ‘no’. There can be no commitment if there’s no choice.”

When you ask people for their inputs into a decision-making process, you’re giving them the chance to say “no” to other ideas. But when you legislate what must be done, you may end up the way of Yamuka Corporation and lose your most valuable people.

Feel the Pain

Do you feel the need to show others that you’re in charge?

Jack arrived at work one day and on seeing Susan, started yelling at her. It had to do with something that happened a week earlier. He was her boss, and he had put on this show with some of Susan’s colleagues and customers present. She was embarrassed.

Have you ever had a boss who makes you feel you have no value? His goal is to belittle you and put you on the spot; to put you down. He wants you to know who’s in charge. And he wants others to know it too! When he enters the room, your heart skips a beat. His modus operandi is to keep you quaking in your boots.

When you’re a witness to situations such as this, you have to ask:

Why do people behave this way? Why would anyone in their right senses think they would get good engagement from team members that they treat in this manner?

Human psychology experts have pondered these types of questions for a long time. The fact remains that human behavior is one of those things in life that’s very difficult to understand.

“I’m the Boss!”

In some cases, a supervisor will behave in the manner describe above because he just wants to show you and others that he’s your boss, plain and simple. What made my opening story more curious is that a week before, Susan had a discussion with Jack. She told him about her business travel plans and asked him if he was okay with it. He had some hesitation but eventually, he said he was okay with the plan.

Suddenly, a week later, Jack had decided that he was no longer okay with the plan. But instead of calling Susan aside to discuss it, he lashed out in the presence of a group of people. He decided that was the perfect time to appear tough so no one could accuse him of being soft or favoring one person over the others.  At least that’s one of the reasons that he gave her later when she asked him.

This was a discussion Jack could have had with Susan in private, but he needed to show others who was in charge. His ego needed some stroking.

No Apologies Needed

After sleeping over that exchange for a day in order to cool down her emotions, Susan asked to meet with Jack privately. She told him how his comments made her feel, especially when done with many onlookers.

“I felt blindsided by your comments. It looks like you intentionally decided to belittle me for no apparent reason. We had discussed my travel plans last week and you said it was okay. If you now had a different feeling about what we discussed, I thought you would have called me and discussed it in private.  I took the last 24 hours to think about what happened yesterday, and I was not able to come to a good reason why you behaved that way. I had to conclude that you did this just to put me down.”

The curious thing was that during this discussion, Jack did not refute any of Susan’s conclusions. Neither did he apologize for his behavior. He simply explained it away. So, Susan concluded that her assertion was true. Jack behaved that way just to show her and others around that he’s the boss; that he’s tough and an equal opportunity pain-in-the-butt. To Susan, a simple apology would have sufficed. But she didn’t get one.

We all make mistakes from time to time. Good leaders admit it when they make them, apologize and move on. They don’t try to explain them away. As a result of this experience, Susan decided that she couldn’t continue to work with Jack. She changed jobs a few months later. The organization lost a dedicated and valuable employee.

Share the Pain

Another explanation for this type of behavior has to do with how we handle pain and pressure. Some of us make those around us miserable just because we’re miserable. We feel pain, and then dish it out to those we come into contact with.

In the discussion with Susan, Jack admitted that he wanted others to feel the pain he was feeling. He had been stuck on a project that’s fraught with problems; inherited problems. As a result, he’s had to spend long days and weekends away from his family. So if he had to be away from home, others needed to feel it too. He even admitted that this wasn’t fair, but that was as far as he was willing to go. There were no apologies for behaving (or even thinking) this way.

While many of us will be taken aback by Jack’s behavior, we all have a little bit of Jack in us. The issue is whether or not we let him loose; or how far we let him loose. Sometimes, we act on the spur of the moment without giving adequate thought to the impact of our behavior. But knowing how to control our impulses is a behavioral trait that can be learned. It must be learned by anyone who seek to harness the power of their emotions to be a better person. And a better leader.

Difficult Discussions

When conversations turn ugly, you don’t have to.

Have you ever disagreed with someone on a topic that you cared about? The conversation may have started innocently enough, but before you know it, tempers flare up and the hairs on the back of your neck stand at attention. As adrenalin pumps into your bloodstream, what started as a harmless discussion is about to take an ugly turn into a full-blown war!

This was the scenario in which Sam and Jack found themselves. It was time for the annual end-of-year performance review. Sam was discussing how he had performed over the past year with Jack, his boss. Jack knew that Sam was an exceptional employee and a valuable member of his team. He had been consistent in delivering results over the years. This time however, the discussion went south very quickly. Sam felt under-appreciated by Jack’s comments. There were disagreements on how the results Sam delivered during the past year had helped the business. At the end, Sam stormed out of the meeting room. Two months later, he sent in his resignation. Jack had lost a valuable resource.

When conversations get to the stage described above, many of us are no longer listening to the other person. We are thinking about how to respond and refute whatever we’re hearing. Or not hearing. Acclaimed author and leadership expert, Stephen R. Covey said,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

This is truer when conversations become difficult. When we are in this mode, we miss important details that could have steered the exchange away from troubled waters.

Assumptions, Motives & Intent

More often than not, our frames of mind do a lot to influence how we respond during these difficult discussions. If we believe that the other person is not acting with our best interest, the natural reaction is to defend our turf. Unconsciously, we attribute unholy motives to whatever our senses pick up.

An innocent comment such as “you sure do look good today” could generate responses ranging from, “Thank you; that’s so nice of you!” to “What do you mean I look good today?! Are you saying I don’t look good on other days?” and everything in-between. In today’s culture, this may even result in sexual harassment accusations if it involves people of opposite sexes, especially if the relationship is not one of mutual trust.

Instead of attributing the worst of motives, it’s always good to assume positive intent. Until proven otherwise, why don’t you assume that what you’re seeing and hearing are done with the best of intentions? This could really help, particularly in situations where those assumptions eventually turn out to be wrong.

The Past Comes to Play

In other situations, prior interactions with the other person could affect how a new discussion turns out. This is because we have a natural tendency to attribute and impute the content and perceptions of past exchanges with a person into a present situation.

A few months ago, I gave a ride to someone after church. Afterwards, my wife asked me if I had any discussion with the person during the trip. My response?

“What do you think? You thought both of us just sat there mute for 15 minutes?”

Think about that. Her question did not warrant the kind of response I gave. At the root of it was a quick story I must have unconsciously told myself between her question and my response.

“Why is she asking me this question? Why does she care about whether or not we spoke? She assumed I didn’t speak to him and was trying to say I should have. That’s another way she’s trying to control what I do. She always wants to be in control!”

While I didn’t actually go through this “story” in my head before responding, experts tell us that’s exactly what we do. In their best-selling book, Crucial Conversations, the authors assert that we tell ourselves stories such as these, sometimes in the twinkle of an eye. To help in these situations, they recommend that you calm down and get back to the actual facts, instead of these made-up stories.

Avoid the Fool’s Choice

In the same book, a Crucial Conversation is defined as one in which the stakes are high, there are differences of opinion and emotions are strong. Researches done by the authors revealed that many of us believe that we only have two choices on how to approach these conversations: speak up and ruin the relationship or be quiet and suffer in silence. They call these the Fool’s Choice. Their recommendation is to avoid it.

It is possible to be both honest and respectful when confronted with these challenging situations. When we learn to find a way to get all relevant information in the open from both sides of an argument, we get better at handing these difficult discussions. When we learn to get away from wanting to be right, to focusing on what the relationship means to us, we can turn an adversary into a friend. These are skills that can be learned, and it will do us a whole world of good to work hard at acquiring them.

As we saw with Jack, leaders are often usually tasked with having these difficult discussions. How we approach them could go a long way to determine the outcome of such discussions. It could be the difference between keeping a valuable team member and scurrying to find a replacement.

Leading by Following

You don’t have to run the show to be an effective leader

Photo courtesy of Dominik Lange

I was once in a leadership meeting where the team leader said nothing. If you didn't know who he was, you wouldn't have guessed that he was the boss; that the buck stopped with him. He wasn't running the meeting, so he didn't say much. He simply asked some clarifying questions and made a few comments. He didn't challenge anyone’s assertions nor did he force his ideas on the team.

While, there’s great value in having a take-charge kind of leader, being a leader doesn't mean you have to run the show at all times. Unfortunately, there are those who think you don’t have leadership abilities or potentials if you don’t always and visibly show what they consider leadership behaviors. To them, you have to say something at every meeting. They believe that you must always have something to contribute, or you don’t belong in leadership circles. Some expect every leader to exhibit a Type A personality even if that's not who they are.

When James Sinegal co-founded COSTCO in 1983, it was a small organization trying to grow. With his leadership, the company grew to be one of the most profitable in the world with an enviably low employee turnover. Against very stiff competition from bigger companies like Wal-Mart, Sinegal kept COSTCO strong with collaboration and solid operational tactics.

Most organizational cultures develop from the personality of the founder. At inception, the founder has to take charge to chart a course for the organization. After all, it’s her vision and she knows exactly what she wants accomplished. However, with success comes expansion and possible changes in direction. The vision could suddenly become bigger than that of one person. A smart founder will find ways to tap into the strategic skills of other leaders in the organization. To do this, she must have been able to surround herself with leaders that are equally capable.

In a piece about Sinegal, Karlee Weinmann wrote that “At a young company, it's important that the few members of your operation can collaborate, share ideas and develop strategies to grow. As the business gets more established, it's important to have open communication with your direct reports.” Open communication and collaboration help to birth new ideas and strategies. These are the keys to sustainable business success.

You Can’t Be a Know-It-All

Even after you have surrounded yourself with leaders who have like-minded passion for the organization, situations will occasionally arise, when you don’t agree on issues. What you do in those instances may make or break your reputation as a leader.

In their book, The EQ Edge, Steven Stein and Howard Book noted that “… excellent leaders can compromise and put their preferred decision aside when the team or department’s decision is appropriate. Doing so solidifies team spirit, is evidence of your (the leader’s) flexibility, and demonstrates that good leaders are also good followers.”

As long as the team decision does not seem to put the organization in jeopardy or potentially result in unimaginable losses, putting your preferred decision aside will do a lot to build trust within a team. Rather than taking the lead all the time, allow others to lead; let them flex those leadership muscles and grow into the leaders they’re meant to be.

My Way or the Highway

I used to work in a place where one head of department ruled with an iron fist. He had to have the last say on everything. There was no doubt about who was in charge. He got his way through intimidation, fear and coercion. This went on for a while because he delivered results. However, such results are not sustainable; not with the methods that he employed. Eventually, he was let go.

The results we get and the manner in which they are achieved are equally important. There are leaders who focus on "what" needs to get done. They need to get immediate results. While getting quick results are important and crucial indicators of success, the "how" determines whether or not those results are sustainable.

Are you the type of leader that achieves outstanding results, but your team members do not feel valued? If that's is the case, they will jump ship at the slightest opportunity?

Do you lead in such a way that makes your team members loyal even when what looks like good opportunities get dangled in front of them? Only one of these types of leaders delivers the kind of results that endures.

What will it be? The choice is yours.

Prodigal Effort

Persistent determination is the surefire way to succeed

Last month I wrote about my experience at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Four months before that event, I had a very similar encounter at the same airport.

It was early August and my flight had just landed. As I came out of the arrival gate, I looked around for the nearest row of display monitors to find the departure gate of my connecting flight to Madison. After all, my flight had landed early this time, so I had about 2½ hours to kill before my connection’s scheduled departure.

Oh, Wait! There’s another flight to Madison before mine. And its leaving in,  . . .  26 minutes? It’s also in Terminal C, and once again, I was in Terminal F. That’s about half an hour away with some brisk walking! I sprinted down to the nearest Customer Service Center, and told the agent I’d like to get on the earlier flight. After about four minutes of looking up the reservation system, she told me there are seats on the flight but she couldn't get me on it. It would have to be done at the gate. Then she added, “it’s at gate C30; you can’t make it there on time!”

Suddenly, I remembered there’s a shuttle service between terminals C and F, so I ran to where the shuttle picks up passengers. After a 2-minute wait that felt like an eternity, the bus arrived. Five minutes later, I was in Terminal C - at the other end of it, away from where gate C30 was located. Quickly, I started towards the other end of the terminal. After a few minutes, I arrived at the gate, huffing and puffing.

When the gate agent saw me, she asked, “Are you trying to get on this flight?”

“Yes, but I’m supposed to be on the one that leaves in about 2 hours”

“I was about to close the gate. What’s your last name?”

As I spelled my last name, she started pounding on the keyboard.  When I finished, she kept stabbing on the keys as if her life depended on it.

“Give me your last name again,” she said.

Success Comes

It was Sophocles who said, “Success is dependent on effort”.

What a simple but profound statement! Success is dependent on effort. What that also means is that without effort, there cannot be success. We need effort to make things happen. When we make things happen, there’s a likelihood that we can have success in that endeavor. There’s one thing however: effort in itself does not guarantee success. Putting an effort into something does not mean it will be successful. But you can’t have success fall into your laps without any effort. A student can’t pass a test without putting the effort in, by studying. A musician won’t have that award-winning song without the effort in composing it. The salesman won’t get that award of the year without putting in the effort to sell.

Winston Churchill, another smart man, agrees. He said:

“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.”

Back to my airport experience: after a few more moments of persistent attack on the keyboard, the gate agent asked for my last name for the third time. Finally, my boarding pass came out of the printer. She scanned it and off I went to board the flight. Success at last!

A Cascade of Efforts

Being relentless in efforts usually leads to success. In some instances, you need the efforts of others in conjunction with yours to achieve success. Other times, you have to exert efforts at different levels and at different times in a continuous flow to achieve eventual success.

If I had accepted what I was told at customer service - that I couldn’t make it, I wouldn’t have put in the effort. But I tried anyway. And because of my effort, I arrived just as the gate agent was about to close the door. After I got to the gate, if the gate agent had not put in the effort - and I could see that it was a lot of effort on her part by the manner in which she attacked her keyboard - there’s no way I would have been able to get on that flight. Her efforts, combined with mine came together to give success.

Min for Max

When most of us hear the word “prodigal”, we immediately think of being wasteful or careless. That’s probably because we make an immediate mental association of the word with the story of the Prodigal Son. But the word also means extravagant, lavish or generous. And this is the sense in which I’m using it here.

Many of us would prefer to have maximum gain from minimal effort. We live in a society of least work for most profit. But there’s something that could be said for putting in all that you’ve got in whatever you do. Putting in a prodigal effort means going all out and laying it all on the line. It means giving it all that you have. Someone once said, “Whatever your hands find to do, do it with your might.” This is very good advice, especially when you consider its source: wise King Solomon.

What’s the bottom line? Do whatever you do as well as you can. Working hard is a learned skill, and it requires practice. By showing up every day, both physically and mentally, you're preparing yourself to make things happen once you get the opportunity you've been waiting for. A reasonable effort will help you accomplish your goals. A prodigal effort has the potential to give you much more than you had planned. What will it be?

Resolute Effort

Want to be successful? Then don’t quit when trouble comes.

Photo courtesy of Clem Oonojeghuo

Last month, on a trip to Indianapolis, the first flight on my trip was delayed. As a result, a 44-minute connection time at Chicago's O’Hare International Airport shrunk to about 20 minutes. As I came out of the arrival gate, I looked around for the bank of monitors to check the departure gate for my connection. I found out it’s at gate C6 and the status said, Boarding. Then I realized where I was.

I just came out of gate F9. And my next flight was departing from another terminal. That’s a very long walk! Quickly, I checked the departure time for the next flight to Indy. It’s in two hours. As I walked towards Terminal C, I started to ponder the possibilities.

“It won’t be that bad if I miss the flight,” I thought. “After all there’s another one in 2 hours. Actually, it would be a good thing. I've not had lunch and I can already feel the hunger pangs coming. Missing this flight will allow me time to get lunch before continuing on my trip. So, it’ won’t be that bad.”

As I thought of possible places to eat at the airport, I continued to walk briskly with long, measured strides. I wasn’t in a hurry, but I wasn’t slacking either. Still hopeful that I may just be able to make it to my departure gate on time, I secretly wished that I would miss the flight so that I could relax and get something to eat.

But I made it! I got there just before the gate closed.

Perseverance Pays

For years, I’ve learned that putting the required effort in and not quitting when I face obstacles would usually get me to where I want to be; most of the time. When we endure and stick to it against all odds, there’s a good chance of a great reward at the end. Those who quit do not get the rewards.

Vince Lombardi was the one, who said: “Winners never quit and quitters never win.”

It may the difficult, but when the going gets tough, the tough really needs to get going. You definitely don’t want to give up. Success never comes to those who give up. One of Thomas Edison’s quotes says:

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is to try just one more time.”

Determination or willpower is one of those attributes that we humans have that work to help propel us towards success. When there is a will, success is not far behind. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Willing to be Imperfect

Even after putting in a reasonable effort, there’s the possibility that you may not get what you want, through the path you had imagined. That doesn’t mean that the path is a complete dead-end. As we persevere when we face difficulties in our goals, we may discover better ways of accomplishing our objectives. Enduring snags and hitches could provide a much-needed focus to reveal better methods. The difficulties we encounter could be pointers to detours that lead to another path; a path which may eventually lead you to the Promised Land. Thomas Edison was also famously quoted to have said,

“Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.”

After many unsuccessful trials by him and many others before him, Edison finally came up with the first commercially practical incandescent lamp. Just imagine if he had quit after all the previous versions he came up with, turned out to be fraught with problems.

Peter Sims wrote an excellent piece in The New York Times that chronicles some of the more recent examples of people who succeeded through imperfection. He said, “most successful entrepreneurs don’t begin with perfected ideas or plans - they discover them.”

So, why don’t you look at those stumbling blocks as stepping stones onto something better? If you approach setbacks with such a mindset, you’re more likely to learn something new and useful.

Learn As You Go

When things do not pan out as expected, you may be provided with many opportunities to learn. History is replete with stories of people who learned something new just because they persevered in an endeavor. They stumbled onto new discoveries because they refused to give up.

Sims further wrote in the same article: “…  leaders, managers and collaborators … must to be willing to learn from mistakes. Affordable risks should be encouraged and small failures celebrated - these are the marks of learning organizations”.

As you begin this New Year, what’s your challenge? In what areas have life thrown you a curve ball? What have you been working on that you’ve found yourself in one detour after another? I encourage you to continue to apply reasonable efforts.

See those setbacks as opportunities to learn from imperfections. Grow from them.

Don’t quit. And success will be yours.

A Culture that Wins

Priceless principles that translate to success

Photo courtesy of Rula Sibai

When the St. Louis Cardinals made it to the World Series last month, so much was written about how successful the organization has been as a sports franchise. Many sportswriters drooled over the seemingly unending pool of Cardinals talents. Several praised the scouting and player development strategy of the club. The result is the success that the Cardinals have enjoyed over the last decade. This year’s was their fourth trip to the fall classic over the last 10 baseball seasons.

In all that was written about the Cardinals, one can see several parallels with how a winning organization attracts and develops talent. Allow me to share just a few of the top ones with you.

It Starts with Culture

Having the right culture attracts the right candidates. In fact, a good culture will attract all kinds of people. But an organization that knows what it stands for, will find ways to select only those it believes will fit well into its culture and help sustain it. In St. Louis, it’s called The Cardinal Way. It’s the culture of an organization that has sustained its success for more than a decade. Bernie Miklasz of the St. Louis Post Dispatch describes it well as he wrote about what it means to be a Cardinal.

Also, The Gallup Organization is well known that for its Strengths Finder publications. What may not be known by many is that Gallup uses the themes described in those publications to identify how prospective employees will fit into its culture and the specific job roles that are being filled. By doing this, the organization builds and maintains its strong culture.

All About the People

A winning organization cares about its people. Many organizations claim that their people are their best assets, but very few live up to that mantra. Most pay lip service to it. One that seems to blaze the trail in this area is Costco Wholesale. Costco has grown while its competitors groan. In an excellent piece, in which he called Costco the cheapest, happiest company in the world, Brad Stone looked at how the organization has successfully weathered the stormy American economy over the last few years. And it comes down to how it treats its people.

Furthermore, every year since the rankings began until 2007, Synovus Financial Corporation made the list of Fortune magazine’s 100 Best Companies to Work for in America. It was number one in 1999. James Blanchard, former Chairman and CEO of the company shared what he believed was the main reason why the company was so successful:

“The secret, the clue, the common thread is simply how you treat your folks. It’s how you treat your fellow man, and how you treat your team members… How you value the worth of an individual, how you bring the human factor into real importance and not just a statement you make in your annual report.”

Likewise, Founder and Chairman of the Virgin Group of companies, Richard Branson said, “I try to treat people as human beings… If they know you care, it brings out the best in them.”

Do you want to bring out the best in your people? Treat them with dignity, show them genuine respect and value them for what they truly are: your greatest assets.

Motivating Achievement

In some organizations, there’s a lot of in-fighting for recognition; people want to be recognized for contributing the most. However, the ones with a winning culture are filled with people who celebrate one another’s achievements. Someone’s success does not threaten another. Instead of resentment, there’s rejoicing when others do well.

There’s no backbiting. Nor is there badmouthing. People are loyal to the absent. They speak about others as if they’re present. One CEO was given the following feedback from her 360-degree trust audit by an employee:

When someone leaves the company, don’t bad-mouth them in front of your current employees. It makes me feel that no matter what I contribute to this company, it will be forgotten the moment I leave, no matter the circumstances.

Showing loyalty is a sign of a strong culture that wins. It communicates allegiance and the extension of trust to the individual.

At the end of the day, successful organizations are those who know what they are truly about. They’re unwavering in their commitment to living their values. They care about their people and foster an environment where everyone can flourish. With dogged determination, they forge ahead against all the obstacles that may come their way. Just like The Cardinal Way, they have a culture that wins today, and one that ensures continued success for many years to come.

Who’s Pulling You?

It's easy to believe a lie without knowing it.

Photo courtesy of Alvin Mahmudov

Renowned author and speaker, John C. Maxwell defines leadership as influence. A story I heard from my pastor a few months ago illustrates the power of influence.

A man walking down a street noticed that a little boy was trying to reach the front doorbell of one of the homes on the street. The boy jumped repeatedly, as he attempted to reach the bell. He was unsuccessful each time. The man, thinking he could help the boy, crossed the street, walked towards the front porch of the house and pushed the doorbell. He then turned to the boy and asked, “What’s next, little man?” The boy turned to the man and said, “now we run!” and started sprinting down the street.

Whether we realize it or not, we are influenced everyday by what our senses pick up.  We usually don’t think that we’re being influenced at the moment it’s happening, so we give little or no thought to it. But countless examples abound that show that many of us are easily influenced, either by what goes on around us or by the company we keep. Often, we give in to the urge that comes with that influence. We naturally react to the stimuli all around us. And this can be found in all areas of life: from road rage, to eating what you had not planned on eating.

I was driving home one evening when the sweet aroma of chicken floated into my nostrils. Almost immediately, I felt the pangs of hunger. Then I remembered that my wife had warned that dinner may be a little late. In less than a minute, I was in one of the drive through lanes of the Chick-fil-A restaurant around the corner. I never planned on this stop-over, but the smell was too much for me to resist.

Oftentimes a group exerts a level of influence that’s difficult to shake. Studies have shown that many of us will do something as part of a group, which we won’t do when alone. Mob mentality could come into play.

In The Abilene Paradox, Robert Whipple wrote that “the mentality to go along to get along is alive and well in any group of people today”. Someone suggests an idea and everyone goes along with it because each one thinks that’s what everybody wants. No one wants to be the odd man out. No one wants to rock the boat. When this happens, valuable resources are spent to go down the road no one really wanted to go before everyone realizes it. Just imagine how much would have been saved if someone had said something!

We normally do not realize this, but each of us can choose our response once we are aware of what’s going on. So, the first step is to always be on high alert about the fact that we can easily be influenced and sometimes deceived by what our senses pick up.

This is not as easy as it sounds, but with a little practice, we can become better at it. When I hear something not so complimentary about someone I don’t know quite well, my natural response will be to add my two cents in agreement. Whether or not it’s true is not the issue here. The problem is that I've just been pulled in, to believe something about another person that I really don’t know. More often than not, the information is presented from the perspective of the person giving it, who may be seeing the subject through lenses that’s not very clear.

Leaders are especially susceptible to this because they receive unsolicited comments and feedback from people that surround them. As we continue to grow in our leadership journey, it behooves us to weigh every influence that comes our way so we don’t end up believing a lie.

Instead of allowing myself to be pulled in, I can do a double take, think about what I've just experienced as a potential influence on me and push back. I can push back by giving the person the benefit of the doubt. This also is not easy.

I was in a meeting recently where the other participants started talking about another person in a derogatory manner, making fun of his peculiar preferences. I knew this wasn't right, so what did I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

I was outnumbered, and didn't have the courage to speak up for the absent. I simply walked out. While I wasn't influenced by what was going on, I could have taken the next right step. I could have said something that expressed a diversity of opinion, instead of keeping quiet.

Just as I gave in to the urge to grab a quick meal at Chick-fil-A, what stimulus are you responding to?

Are you even aware that you’re being pulled in? The smell of fried chicken did me in; what's pulling you? Who are you allowing to influence you? And the keyword here is allow, because you can choose to not give in to the urge.

You can choose to push back.

Are You Present?

You’re sitting at a meeting; but are you really there?

Photo courtesy of Tim Marshall

I was in a meeting a few years ago, and my boss, who called the meeting, was speaking. My colleague, Jesse was sitting across the table. He had his laptop, and kept tapping away on the keyboard. A few minutes later, he took out his smart phone and tapped and swiped some more. Suddenly he heard his name.

“What do you think, Jesse?” My boss was asking.

Not knowing what had been said, Jesse looked flustered and asked, “Could you repeat that?”

Multi-tasking is everywhere. We try to be more efficient by juggling tasks at the same time, but what’s the value of it? Maybe the right question is, “How much are we losing by multi-tasking?” In these days of smart, mobile devices, people seem to be engaged more in what’s on the screen in the palms of their hands than what they could learn from engaging others in a normal conversation.

Multi-tasking was a computer term coined many years ago to show that a computer’s microprocessor could do multiple things at the same time. Even at that time, engineers knew that a microprocessor could only execute one instruction (task) at a time. But they do it so fast and could jump between multiple tasks that it gives the illusion of doing many things at the same time. Those are before the days of dual and quad processors that are now so commonplace.

Because we can really do only one thing at a time, every other activity that we “pretend” to be engaged in fades into the background. So much is lost when we occupy ourselves with activities in a half-hearted manner. The result is that we become less productive. Because Jesse wasn’t paying attention during a discussion in which he was supposed to be a contributor, the question and the reasoning behind it had to be repeated. As a result, valuable time was lost and the team was not as productive as it could have been.

Sometimes, the person not paying attention may not be have been asked a direct question. But they leave the meeting without any awareness of the decisions that were made. Focus is lost on what is needful, and the organization pays the price in lost productivity.

Have you ever talked to someone that didn‘t seem to be paying attention to you? How did it feel? It felt as if you were not being listened to; as if you had nothing of value to say. You felt disrespected. That’s exactly what happens when someone is in a meeting and does not pay attention to what’s going on. Here's what they're communicating:

“There’s no worth in what you’re saying.”

“You can’t add any value to me.”

“I don’t really care.”

I know these conclusions seem a bit extreme, but that’s what is being said without any words. That’s what happens when we allow ourselves to be controlled by devices that are meant to be tools in our hands. That’s what we get when a buzz, chime or vibration from these devices make us jump to be at their every beck and call.

A few weeks ago, I was driving home from work one evening when my phone chimed, alerting me that I’ve just received a text. It was from my wife. I picked it up from the cup holder, swapped glances between the screen and the road in front of me.

I need to respond to this immediately, I thought.

As I pressed the Reply button and started fidgeting to find the first letter of the first word in my reply, it hit me. This is dangerous! It would take only a split second of not keeping my eyes on the road for an event with catastrophic consequences to happen.

My mind immediately went to my wife and children. What happens if I don’t make it home while trying to answer this text? Suddenly, I realized that responding to that text message while driving is not worth the huge risks to my life. I dropped the phone and concentrated on the traffic around me.

Sometimes, we need just a few seconds to ponder the potential consequences of an action, for us to realize whether or not it’s worth it. Peter Bregman used a hilarious experience to outline a two-step plan for changing bad habits. Not being present when you need to be is a bad habit that definitely needs broken.

Your life may depend on it.

Heroes and Heroic Acts

One good act doesn't make an impeccable character

Photo courtesy of Tobias van Schneider

Late last year, cancer-survivor Lance Armstrong finally confessed to taking performance-enhancing drugs while winning a record seven Tour de France titles. This happened after many repeated denials. Until the confession, his response to anyone who suggested he cheated and doped was an intense denial. Typically, he would attack his accusers, often calling them all liars.

Similar stories abound in the world of baseball. In the latest episode early this month, Major League Baseball disciplined 13 players for their relationship to Biogenesis of America, a now-closed, Florida anti-aging clinic accused of distributing banned performance-enhancing drugs. Twelve players were suspended for 50 games each. The stiffest penalty was reserved for Alex Rodriguez, who was banned for the remainder of the 2013 season, and the entire 2014 campaign. While some are applauding the ban, others say that the punishment doesn't match the crime.

There have been many outcries against most of these athletes. People are disappointed because they looked up to them, especially because of the good work some of them do in their communities. They wonder how such “good” people could also be cheats.

What most of us forget, is that the fame and riches these people get as rewards from being good athletes does not translate to a change in character. They are who they are. In fact, their visibility as star athletes only magnifies who they already are, and elevates it for all to see. That’s why Michael Vick’s dog-fighting passion came to the fore a few years ago. Their riches helped them to indulge in who they really are.

But that’s not unique to famous people. It's in every one of us. We all have our character flaws. Mine is hidden from the public because I don’t have the fame that will put it on display for all to see.

This is especially true of leaders. The leadership position provides a level of visibility to others. The leader's flaws and shortcomings become easily apparent. Good leaders realize this, and they learn to compensate. They do not wane in their yearning for improvement, knowledge and growth. They acknowledge their areas of weaknesses and surround themselves with people who are strong in those areas. They do not cease to learn and grow.

One Good Act …

An athlete starts a foundation, and does good things in the community. The fire fighter runs into a burning building and rescues 20 people. As a result, we elevate them to the status of heroes. Once elevated, we expect their character to be spotless. There is a human tendency to deduce integrity and character from one (or more) noble acts performed by someone. However, no one’s perfect.

Months later, we discover that the fireman beats his wife and that our star athlete is a fraud. Our hearts are broken, and we get disappointed. But wait! Why do we expect perfection from these people? The good they do in the community does not make them saints. They’re just like us. My one good act does not translate to an impeccable character.

Character and integrity are the glues that tie everything together. No matter how much good you’ve done, one lapse in character could cost you several years to build back the trust that has been lost.

Why is this so?

It's because character speaks! Character communicates louder than anything else. In his book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John Maxwell describes some of the things that character communicates. He writes, “People will tolerate honest mistakes. People will also give leaders a grace period for connecting with others. However, they won’t forgive lapses in character”. 

I used to work with an organization whose CEO was an exceptional leader. He led the business to more than a decade of annual growth and high returns for shareholders. He treated everyone with respect and valued employees’ contributions, no matter how small. When he retired, the next CEO appointed by the Board of Directors was the complete opposite. He was arrogance personified, and did not hesitate to let everyone know how smart and better he was than everyone at everything.

Soon, he got into trouble and was fired. As a result, the goodwill previously enjoyed by the organization suffered. Its solid reputation, built under the leadership of the former CEO took a hit when the new guy showed up. It took many more years of good leadership to build it back. The character of the leader reflects on the team or the organization.

So, is someone a hero because of a few heroics acts? I think not! But just as in the baseball saga, people are lining up on either side of this debate.

The battle rages on.

Empty Words

Speaking when you have nothing to say is a waste of everyone’s time

So much has been said and written about the value inherent in speaking up, and most of them are valid. The fear of speaking in public has been ranked the number one fear of all time, and there are numerous reasons why people don't speak up, especially in a workplace environment.

Some may think that it's pointless because of their peculiar situation, whatever that may be. In his blog, Ron Ashkenas noted that others may simply lack the confidence, candor and courage. Then, there are those instances when an ethical dilemma may make someone suddenly go mute.

But how about those situations when people should keep quiet and they don’t?

Because most people have been sold on the merits of speaking, especially in a workplace meeting environment, can we ever have a situation where people speak when they shouldn't? Yes, we can! And I've seen it happen a few times.

When the culture of a place is dependent on how much people speak, things can quickly degenerate into chaos. Meetings could be filled with those who feel the need to say something even when they have nothing to contribute to the discussion. At the end, there’s so much talk with nothing concrete coming out of it.

This type of scenario is typical in places where the leadership rewards people who speak more and punish those who speak less. While the rewards and punishments could be subtle, those involved can easily pick up on the cues. In order to be seen as possessing leadership skills, they do what they have to, in order to get ahead. They realize what the game is, and they play it brilliantly.

One of the major symptoms of a place with this culture is that people who have something valuable to say have two options. They either keep quiet because they don’t get a chance, or they try to get their two cents in, by resorting to being rude. They interrupt others while they’re still speaking.

When people have nothing concrete to say, they tend to ramble on, so others would think they’re contributing. As a result of trying to make sense even to themselves, they just keep on talking. The result is that those who have real contributions have to find a way to say something. They have to interject. And that starts a vicious cycle of people not listening to another. There’s jockeying back and forth as one tries to get the floor over the other.

The sad part is that sometimes, those with valuable contributions do not really get a chance. Someone with a very good idea may choose to keep quiet instead of engaging in this battle to speak. While this shouldn't be a deterrent for any one, a good meeting facilitator should ensure that everyone in a meeting is given an opportunity to speak if they so desire.

A meeting where what I've described above happens, will be deemed unproductive or inefficient. What’s the impact of this to organizations? In his article, The Expense of Ineffective Meetings, Jeffrey Klubeck noted that “inefficient meetings cost organizations billions of dollars each year”. According to him, research indicates that over 50 percent of meeting time is wasted.

Patrick Lencioni, the author of Death by Meeting, stated matter-of-factly that bad meetings are a reflection of bad leaders. A good leader will quickly recognize when a meeting is becoming unproductive and speedily bring it back on the right course.

An ineffective leader will engender ineffective meetings. A good one will foster an environment of trust where all the parties in a meeting can freely speak up or be silent if they choose, without any fear of negative consequences.

What Are You Up To?

Declare your intentions or let it be imputed to you.

Last year, I was elected as the President of my Toastmasters club along with six other people on the leadership team. During the first month, I scheduled a one-on-one meeting with each of the other members of the executive committee to share my vision for the next 12 months and discuss my expectations with each one of them.

Since we had only one year to work together, I wanted to establish trust as early as possible. As part of this, I asked each one of them to let me know if there are ways that serving together with them on the volunteer organization could help either their professional careers or personal lives. I wanted to let them know that I care about them and that I’m willing to help in the achievement of whatever goals they have in life.

Each of the meetings went well. For some of them however, I could detect differing levels of hesitation when I got to where I spoke about caring about them personally. I must have sounded suspicious, especially since they were all women! I was the leader of this executive team and the only guy in the group. They didn't understand where I was coming from. I didn't tell them that what I was trying to do was lay the foundation for trust in our working relationship over the next year. I failed to use the opportunity to explain to them the basic principles involved in building personal trust. I didn’t give them the reason I did what I was doing. I didn’t tell them what I was up to, and it spooked most of them!

In failing to declare my intentions, I left a big gap for them to guess at what I was trying to accomplish. This is especially true because they didn’t know me that well at the time. We had all just been elected to serve together in the volunteer organization.

When we fail to declare our intent, others attribute some to us. Unfortunately, what is attributed will usually come from the other person’s values and experiences. We tend to judge the intent of others based on our paradigms and experiences. If you had been taken advantage of in the past by someone in authority, you will be suspicious of any kind of care shown to you by someone in leadership. In my situation, any kind of suspicion could have been avoided if I had simply declared my intent; if I had told them that my goal was to build trust.

Declaring your intent not only builds trust, it also makes you accountable. It signals your behavior. It tells others what to look for in their interactions with you. For a person of integrity, this becomes another facet of accountability that helps you be true to your word. Trust is built as they see you do what you said you will do.

When we say what we’re about, an obligation to follow through is implied. It was Joseph Fort Newton who said, “A duty dodged is like a debt unpaid; it is only deferred, and we must come back and settle the account at last."  It becomes a duty once you signal your intention. If you’re a person of integrity, you see that as a debt that must be paid.

Finally, as you declare your intentions, ensure that you’re being honest about it. Nothing depletes trust faster than someone who doesn’t keep their word.

You don’t want to be the hypocrite who says one thing and does another.

Difficult but Necessary

Providing honest and constructive feedback is no easy task, but it must be done.

In the January 2013 blog post, I wrote about my colleague who didn't react well to my telling him about how some of his actions may be affecting his credibility. Because of the way he responded, I was left wondering if I would ever approach him to provide any kind of feedback in the future. It's difficult, especially when I have an idea of what his potential reaction would be. However, if I truly care about him, I shouldn't allow the way he responded the first time to dictate whether or not I would approach him to provide another feedback that is deemed necessary.

Giving feedback about areas of improvement can be difficult because the act is usually met with resistance and defensiveness. While the possible response of the receiver of the feedback shouldn't be a factor, more often than not, it is. There’s a level of apprehension involved because most of us do not like to hurt other people’s feelings. But looking at the benefits of the act could be beneficial, and may help to dull the impact of  whatever potential backlash may result.

In his blog post, Don't Be Nice; Be Helpful, Peter Bregman wrote about how providing feedback to one another helps us be aware of our blind spots. We all have these blind spots, and it takes others to help us see them. That’s why they’re called blind spots. Bregman wrote:

“Giving people feedback is an act of trust and confidence. It shows that you believe in their ability to change. That you believe they will use the information to become better. And that you have faith in their potential.”

We should not be concerned about how the feedback will be received. We should focus on the fact that giving feedback is providing the needed help to the recipient, whether they realize it or not.

One of the key leadership skills that Toastmasters International helps to develop is that of providing feedback. Everything that is done in the course of a Toastmasters meeting is evaluated on the spot. Members provide evaluations in what is called a "sandwich approach". You start with something positive to encourage the member to continue doing. This is followed by a suggestion for improvement. You end the evaluation with another positive thing that you observe. This communicates the fact that feedback doesn't have to be all bad news. No matter how bad someone is, there are some good attributes and traits that could be praised and encouraged.

As we seek to give feedback, when we do it is as important as how it’s done. The recipient’s mood and frame of mind at the time is critical. It’s true that some people are never in a good mood to receive feedback. They will automatically go on the defensive when what they perceive as an attack comes. However, this should not deter us.

Sometimes, dealing with personal issues or struggles would make a person have a short fuse. You become impatient and unwilling to listen to any words of wisdom that could be beneficial. Rationality goes out the windows, and you don’t think straight. Not too long ago, I was about to give a friend feedback on the importance of keeping promises and delivering on commitments. But I stopped when I found out that he was going through a very rough time. Instead, we talked about the issues he was experiencing and I was able to offer some encouragement.

In one of the comments posted on the January blog post I mentioned earlier, Esther stated that “it is important to first build a relationship with someone ... Such relationship sets the ground for mutual trust and increases the chances of the criticism being received in good faith.”

I agree. Without a relationship built on trust, it’s difficult for feedback to be received. The same is true for giving feedback. No rational person gives feedback to someone they don’t know just out of the blue. It’s even odd to give it to someone that’s just an acquaintance. Providing feedback suggests a level of knowledge of the behavior that’s more than just casual. The behavior must have been observed repeatedly.

Finally, feedback is incomplete when it only points out what someone needs to do better. It’s helpful to also offer specific, actionable steps that could be valuable. This is another way in which you show that the motivation for giving the feedback is to be helpful. When you point out areas of improvement, and offer concrete steps for getting it done, you may not just be helping someone.

You could be gaining a friend for a lifetime.

Benefit of the Doubt

Take another look at what you see. It may not be the real thing.

Photo courtesy of Tobias-Zils

During a recent strategy definition session with a leadership group of about 25 people, most of us were tasked with coming up with specific action steps for a goal that was randomly assigned. I didn't like the one assigned to me. I thought I could do better with another goal, which was assigned to someone else on the leadership team. I made this known to Susan*, the facilitator and she asked me to do the best I could with what I have.

About an hour later, I had to present the specific action steps I came up with, to the rest of the group. As I began to speak, Susan suddenly started laughing. I was taken aback and wondered what was going on. Without any clue as to what just happened, I proceeded with my presentation. At the conclusion of it, I just had to ask the question because I was still intrigued at the sudden outburst of laughter earlier.

Susan explained that as I started to speak, I gave her the finger; and that it’s probably because I had wanted another goal to work on. I was shocked! I have never given anyone any kind of finger, neither do I intend to. I need every one of my fingers!

While I couldn't tell what my fingers were doing with the hand gestures I had during my presentation, I knew that I didn't intentionally give her “the finger”. After the meeting, Susan continued to make fun of me and insisted that I gave her a finger. A few weeks later, she finally admitted that she knew I wouldn't do that.

In the February 2013 blog titled, Oblivious, I wrote about how we may not realize the effect of our behaviors on others. This situation got me thinking about how we see the behavior of others, and how that in turn, affects the way we behave as leaders.

In his book, The Speed of Trust, Stephen M. R. Covey stated that “while we tend to judge ourselves by our intent, we tend to judge others by their behavior”. When we see a particular behavior in other people, we quickly jump to conclusions about what their intentions are. The focus on, and the attribution of motive or intent is almost immediate.

While behavior is usually the manifestation of motive, that’s not necessarily the case all the time. This is the case with my “finger-giving” example. That’s where knowing people well enough comes into play. Because Susan knew me fairly well, she knew that I couldn't have been giving her the finger, even though my behavior appeared that way. But what about people we don’t know quite well? That’s where it gets dicey, and where our own values, background and experience come into play.

Have you ever been around someone who immediately ascribes negative motives to the behavior of others?

He’s doing that because he’s just a mean person!

I've seen a few like that and my response is usually, “why don’t you give the person the benefit of the doubt?” Since you may not know what’s going on with an individual at a particular time, it’s always difficult to ascribe the right intent to their behavior.

We must be careful how they judge other people. We must be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when we observe behaviors that may be a little off. We would do well to recognize the possibility of good intent or motive in others, despite their observable behavior.

There are times when we actually project our own intent on others’ behaviors. When we observe a behavior, we unconsciously latch on to the motives that could make us behave in a similar manner; and project this on others. As fallible humans, we have to realize our tendency to do this, and work on ensuring that we don’t.

By deciding to look beyond the behavior of others, we can encourage and motivate them. This is possible when we project a positive intent on those behaviors and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Assume their intentions are pure, until proven otherwise.

*Names have been changed